We’ve all been the ‘nice guy’ at some point – it’s the go-to move when we’re first attracted to women.
As the years went by, however, I grew out of that approach. I realised it was the reason why I was unlucky with women.
I Agreed with Them on Everything
Back then, I used to like whatever my crush liked. And what they hated became what I hated (even if I wasn’t being sincere about it).
When I was 15, my crush, Nia, was into Korean dramas. I was desperate to get with her, even though I had zero interest in Korean pop culture.
I forced myself to change. I immersed myself in the world of Korean dramas – and hated it.
Instead of giving my honest opinion about why I didn’t like her series’, I pretended to enjoy them. All so I could become her boyfriend.
Spoiler alert – that didn’t happen. Guess what happened instead?
“I think we’re better off as friends.”
A more recent experience was when I listened to the work “problems” of one of my co-workers, Felicity.
See, Felicity would go on and on about her problems at work, which to me weren’t that big of a deal. For instance, her boss asked her to rush her assignment if she could.
Once her boss had left her desk, Felicity instantly texted me. She ranted about it as if her boss were breathing down her neck.
She also complained about how “low” her salary was (RM1600 as a starting salary for a basic admin job, are you kidding me!?) on a constant basis.
But instead of calling her out for being a narcissist, I agreed with everything she said. I gave her my full support.
It was all for nothing. Felicity moved away after she quit, even before I could ask her out.
Looking back at it though, I’m glad I was too spineless to ask her out. Imagine how she’d laugh her ass off at me!
Honestly, I realised that having the same opinions as my ex-crushes made me boring. I was better as a best friend than a lover.
Looking back, if I had taken a risk and been honest with them instead, I might have made a better connection with them.
I Played the ‘Good Listener’ Role
I bet this is something most guys have done.
We have this assumption that if we listen to a girl’s problems, we’ll have a better chance of getting together with them. But that’s not the case.
In fact, it’s ruined my chances with many women in the past.
I would always be Alissa’s shoulder to cry on. Whether it was over her family issues, or her ex still calling her – I was there for her in hopes that it would get her to develop an interest in me.
When the time came and I asked her out though, she politely rejected. At the time I had no clue why she would reject me.
I mean, I was a great listener.
But see, that was the problem. I was just listening, and not communicating or establishing chemistry with her.
I’m not telling you to be cold-hearted and not care for someone else’s problems. But if you like a girl, don’t keep talking about her ex-boyfriend.
Instead of listening to them, why not talk about yourself?
And I don’t mean boast about your accomplishments, but something interesting.
Maybe you’ve encountered ghosts, or you like to cook Italian food, or you’ve travelled a lot. Or you could talk about how charismatically sadistic Ted Bundy is in the new Netflix documentary.
Whatever you do, don’t just listen to the girl the whole time. Make sure you inject yourself into the conversation as well.
But, don’t dwell on your problems, nobody likes a whinger.
Here’s another thing I did which turned them off…
I Tried Too Hard to Please Them
Another failed strategy of mine was that I was by bending my back for girls. Financially.
I always gave them whatever they wanted.
Back then I constantly showered Suzan with gifts – flowers, chocolates, and even taken her out for dinner (just as friends) in the hopes of winning her affection.
But you can’t buy love.
I used to assume that by giving my crush what they wanted (or didn’t even ask for) they would return that favour by being my girlfriend.
But an empty wallet and my (still) single status taught me my lesson – attaining a girl’s affection isn’t from the material.
Avoid making this mistake – even if you attract them with money, it just means you’re attracting gold diggers.
Either that or you create this false impression of being able to give them a luxurious life even though you can’t afford to.
I Thought I was Entitled to a Girlfriend for Being a Nice Guy
This was my Achilles heel with women – being nice, rewarding them with gifts, listening to their problems – I did it all because I felt that these things would get me a girlfriend.
I wasn’t asking Nia about her interests because I was interested. I didn’t listen to Alissa’s problems because I was concerned. And I certainly wasn’t paying for Suzan’s meals because I was trying to be nice.
I did all these because I thought these gestures would get me together with them.
I wasn’t being genuine or honest with them. Nor was I being honest or genuine with myself.
And when they said “no”, I instantly blamed them for not seeing what a nice guy I was.
Most girls aren’t going to fall head over heels for a good listener or a walking ATM. Nor should guys expect them to.
Try being genuinely charming and interesting. If the chemistry’s not there, don’t fake it.
Creating a facade is a short-term solution. It might get you a girlfriend but for how long? Chances are you’ll probably break up because you were lying to her about yourself.
So guys, don’t make these mistakes and don’t blame anyone but yourself if you do make them. If a girl friendzones you, it was because you put yourself there in the first place.
For more articles like these, read 3 Ways for Guys to Avoid the Friendzone, and Tired of Being Friend-Zoned? Here’s What You Need to Do to Stay out of It.