This story is about what happens when a decade-long relationship is dismissed as “just dating,” and how one woman chooses dignity—and a better weekend—over attending a wedding that refused to acknowledge her partner.
My cousin is getting married and I’m genuinely happy for her. The invitation arrived by courier mail and it was beautiful: Gold and Black, tied with silk ribbon. The calligraphy looked written, not printed. But there was one problem with the invitation. The line that read, “We have reserved ONE seat in your honor.”
I blinked. There must be a misunderstanding. My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years. We’ve been together since our second year of university. He has come to every Hari Raya, Chinese New Year, even our Christmas parties. He’s celebrated birthdays – including the brides – and attended funerals. The extended family in the kampung know him too.
My sister, Priya, who had been engaged for six months, had a plus one. So why didn’t I get that plus one?
A Phone Call to Fix This
I called my cousin, assuming this would be a quick fix, “Hey “Anusha,” is there a mistake on my wedding invite? It says one seat? My boyfriend…”
My cousin’s cut off so smoothly it feels rehearsed, “Oh! Shankari! Your invite is correct. We’re keeping this intimate. Family only you know? Only those engaged or married get a plus one.” My cold silence radiated through the phone, “Priya got the plus one because she’s engaged. You and Krishnan are still just dating.”
Just. Dating?!
My boyfriend and I had gone through university together, then weathered COVID together. We’ve shared an apartment for seven years. He supported me when I pursued my Masters. We have built a life together. We agreed to postpone engagement and marriage to focus on our careers.
But Priya’s eighteen month relationship and three months of engagement earns her boyfriend a seat at the family table?!
Go. Don’t Go. Do Our Own Thing
I explained the situation to my boyfriend later, and he just shrugged, indifferent, “You have choices: Go, or don’t go.” Then he grinned, “Or do our own thing.” He explained his thinking, and I agreed.
I called my cousin back and explained that I was RSVPing, as not attending so “there won’t be problems with the seating chart or the catering.” I whatsapped back to confirm that “Unmarried couples don’t get a +1, so out of respect for my relationship, my boyfriend and myself, WE will not be attending.”
Wedding Declined. Destination: Vacation.
Of course, being family, we had known about the wedding before the invites went out, and details had leaked through the family gossip network of aunties that it was a “destination” wedding in Langkawi. We had already taken time off work, booked flights and a hotel on the island.
So my boyfriend and I are still going to Langkawi. But instead of attending a rehearsal dinner and watching my cousin get married, we’ll have our own dinner date, and I’ll be wearing the dress I was going to wear to the wedding. And I’m going to make sure that there are enough photos and videos to flood all my socials with captions like, “Celebrating romance, and love this weekend,” and “This is what a decade of love looks like!”
A Wedding Gift with a Twist
My boyfriend has suggested that we send a wedding gift from their registry, and he has already written the card: “Wishing you and your husband the love and happiness that Krishnan and I have enjoyed the last decade will be yours and last a lifetime!” And only he will sign it, so she has to address the thank you card to the very person she is excluding.
It’s sad that my cousin thinks that my decade long relationship doesn’t deserve a seat at her wedding, but that also means her wedding does not deserve a weekend of my time, especially when I am going to be spending it romantically honeymooning with my boyfriend.
The best part of this is that she has to explain to the rest of the family the reason Krishnan and I are not attending her wedding, despite the fact we knew it long before the official invitations went out. I have done nothing wrong: I have respected the bride’s wishes, RSVP’ed courteously, and even sent a generous wedding gift with an appropriate card.
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Read also: ‘I gave up my family to pursue my dreams’ Shares 34 YO M’sian woman – In Real Life
‘I gave up my family to pursue my dreams’ Shares 34 YO M’sian woman
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