How Being an INFJ Affects My Love Life

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Have you ever done the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Test? It indicates if you’re INFJ, or ENTP, or any of the fourteen other personality types.

I’m an INFJ – Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging.

Generally, INFJs are energized by alone-time (introverted), focus on ideas rather than facts (iNtuitive), make decisions based on feelings and values (Feelings), and are organized rather than spontaneous (Judging).

You Like Spending Time Alone

INFJS are introverts but amazing with people. Often, we’re mistaken as extroverts, for good reason – we’re incredibly fascinated by people and the human psyche.

After an endless study of human behaviour, we’ve developed excellent social skills. However, despite these social skills, we appreciate time alone – meaning we don’t like meeting new people.

We don’t do this on purpose. We just need a long time to recharge after every outing or social meet. Social events drain us!

But if we don’t meet people, then how can we find ‘the one’ lah? It’s a Catch-22!

For instance, if I were to go to a major event intended for socialising, I will run on an empty tank by the end of it – like a car running on ‘E’ for its fuel tank.

What’s worse is, I’ll need the next one to two days of alone time to recover my energy to socialise again.

We sometimes do hate the fact that we need so much time alone but, at the same time, also loving it. It’s an internal conflict with no resolution.

You Won’t Settle

Physical attraction, sense of humour, shared goals, and interests are all nice, but these things are not what attracts INFJs the most.

INFJs crave deep connections. Meaning we look for soulmates – someone who shares our inner thoughts and complex mind.

For people like us, one strong connection is all it takes to make us feel content. Therefore, until we find that one person who brightens up our world, we’ll stay single. INFJs just won’t settle for anything less.

In fact, when INFJs find ‘the one’, their relationship will achieve a state that most people can only dream of.

I had a few relationships in the past, but I’m currently single. Whenever asked, I always mention two of the past relationships I had – one was close to seven years and the other, almost two.

The first one didn’t work out because being young and immature, the long-distance relationship bothered me too much. She was far away (in East Malaysia) and we only got to meet once every month. Sometimes two.

Now, INFJs are emotional people. We need our loved ones close – being far away for too long puts us under stress.

Although in hindsight, I think it wouldn’t have bothered me as much today as it did then.

The next relationship didn’t last because of the flaws I saw in my partner.

You know how people say when you love someone, you love their flaws too? This isn’t that story.

I’m consistently reminded of those flaws. It came to a breaking point at which, almost anything that my partner did could tip me off. I was a ticking time-bomb.

Yes, INFJs have difficulty settling. Not because we cheat, or we fall in love with other people easily. But rather because we know what kind of people we want to be with. It’s just that sometimes, that person is not the one you’re with now.

Always Waiting For Someone To Make A Move

You might assume that INFJs have high standards, right? You’re not wrong!

That’s not the only reason we’re still single though – we can sometimes be socially awkward as well.

Didn’t I just say earlier that we have good social skills?

Yes, I know – another contradiction.

For example, we’re constantly waiting for someone to make the first move – whether it’s first hellos, first texts, first invitation out – the list goes on.

INFJs are overwhelmingly conscientious and sensitive. We love to be pursued, which also means that we ourselves won’t make a move (even when we sometimes should).

Consequently, we miss a lot of the chances that would’ve worked out only if we took the shot. Oof!

If you’re a man, this becomes excruciating. Men are the ones who’re supposed to make the first move after all.

I had my fair share of experiences when it comes to missed opportunities, most of it dating-related. I missed many chances of asking women out, only for them to end up with someone else.

What a bummer, right?

Now, I’d like to think that I’m better now, that I take chances and make the first move. I asked a woman I never thought I had a chance with. Well, it didn’t work out after a few months.

But the me that never asked, might never had known, would he?

One thing for sure is this. Despite being an INFJ, I realised that I’m bolder in asking women out as I grow older. I think, “What can I lose anyway?”

INFJs Dive Deep

Let’s face it. Most people we date these days don’t dive deep. You hear common phrases like “Let’s take it slow”, or “I’m not ready for a serious relationship/commitment yet”.

Trust me when I say, these things break our heart. Especially when we so often plunge headfirst into love.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with seeking for someone who connects with your psyche as much as your heart. Intelligence is in fact, what makes you most attractive.

I believe I can say I’ve seen it all. The beautiful one, the hot one, the smart one, the rich one, the average Jane, the otaku girl.

Honestly, any of those women could’ve ended up as my soulmate. But the usual deal breakers were there – “I just wanna stay friends,” or “I think it’s too soon,” or the pure lack of interest in dating (but secretly hoping that they’d miraculously have a boyfriend overnight).  

And then there are those who just find you weird off the bat or those that are too flirty. You wouldn’t even consider spending 5 minutes with those people.

Sometimes, you just want to go, “Kthxbye” to dating because of all the misconceptions about you.

So, here’s my advice to all you hopeless romantics out there – if you find a person who accepts you for who you are, cling to them! Hold tight and don’t let go because deep down, you know you may never find someone like that again – figuratively speaking.

To all my dear INFJs out there, I know dating can be hard (and finding love can be even harder). I know that you feel like a walking contradiction – we’re emotional, sensitive and very introverted.

Nevertheless, never give up because as a fellow INFJ, I’ve come to understand that we’re not train wrecks. It’s not the end of the world, and we are the truest people to the ones we love.

For more articles on INFJs, read 10 Things INFJs Can Relate To, and 6 Ways INFJs Can Improve Themselves.

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