Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
Trigger / Content Warning: BDSM, adult sexual themes. Please read at your own discretion.
When I reached out to Mistress Ava, I was pleasantly surprised when she agreed to an interview – albeit on her terms. She was idly stirring her black coffee on a cool rainy morning in Petaling Jaya, an area that she has known for much of her adult life. Given the global situation, it’s silent and really quite peaceful.
At first glance, you could be forgiven for assuming she’s a socialite or a model. She moves with a graceful energy that is calm and collected. She commands your attention with her cat-got-the-cream smile and will have you hypnotized into handcuffs before you know it.
Dressed in a knee-length skirt, white blouse with a leather jacket that she tells me was a lovely birthday tribute from one of her boys, Mistress Ava looks every inch the consummate professional — and she is all that for her day job, which she keeps private for obvious reasons.
So let’s start at the beginning. How did you get into the kink/BDSM scene? Was it a case of “take a walk on the wild side”?
I got into this about 10 years ago after developing an interest in power exchange in the bedroom from an ex-boyfriend. I did my research and I found that I enjoyed both being a Submissive and Dominant. But being a Dominant feels more natural, like a second skin. I have a very dominant personality, so becoming a Domme felt very natural albeit a cerebral process.
If you find it to be a “cerebral process,” what does it mean to be a Dominatrix?
Focusing on what I feel is the most important aspect of being a Dominatrix or “Domme” as it were, it is all about the Power Exchange. It is a lot of responsibility, trust, and I suppose honor to be chosen as a Domme by a Submissive. For the duration of the session, I am in complete control of the Submissive’s pleasure and catharsis. And if they are into it, their pain as well.
As a Domme, I ultimately get to choose my Submissives, but they chose the activities and the intensity of those activities. Hence where responsibility comes into play. I have to always be aware of their safety and comfort, and call a halt to things as necessary. This can lead to me having pissed off customers because I was concerned about their safety. These are the ones that deserve a genuine spanking.
Are you afraid of people finding out about what you do?
Today it is sort of an open secret. It’s not like people can openly talk about what they get up to in the bedroom without condemnation and judgment.
I don’t hide the fact, but neither is it something that I shout and promote. After the way things went down within my own family, that had knock-on effects that cost me nearly everything and everyone I loved and cherished.
So your family knows? And based on your previous remarks, it did not go well?
My family does know, but only because someone decided to “out” me. I was disowned for “deviant” behavior and of course, that did a lot of mental and psychological damage.
Being a Domme, once upon a time, it might have been a “choice.” Today, it is a part of who I am, a part of my identity and personality. It is a job but is also a part of my life.
It was not something I ever flaunted in public – it’s not like Malaysia has been welcoming to the LGBTQ community, let alone those of kinkier persuasions. It’s not like Malaysia could ever host its own Folsom Street Fair or even a Pride Parade.
Photos from Folsom Street Fair, an annual BDSM themed event. Photos credits (left to right): Silicone, thirstycactus, Daluke, foxgrrl on Visualhunt.com
While I’ve managed to regain control of myself and my life, I lost a lot of the “vanilla” things and that has been a very long, and slow process of rebuilding. It’s still a work in progress. But at least now, I’ve made peace with what has happened, and I’m getting on with my life and I will not change myself for those who don’t respect me.
The conversation shifted gears, more towards the “work” side of being a professional Domme. Of course, that took some very fast talking on our part to avoid getting tongue-tied, tied up, and evading the handcuffs. She became slightly more serious, a little less playful in her demeanor. Work is work after all.
Let’s talk shop. What kind of clients do you get? And what exactly do you do during your sessions?
Male or Female, all races, and a variety of ages. Married. Single. Divorced. Their marital status is none of my business. My clients come from all walks of life, from the humble office worker looking to “take a walk on the wild side” to the high-powered elite executives who make million-dollar business deals every day and come to me as a form of stress relief.
Chuck Rhoades from Billions® on ShowTime.
It is not my problem to fix whatever problems they have in real life. What my clients all do have in common is that they come to me, seeking to absolve themselves of the need to make decisions, to remove themselves from the burdens of everyday life. Their ultimate escapist fantasy for a few hours or a weekend. I make those things come true.
As long as what my client wants is within the boundaries of what I’m comfortable doing, within my personal limits, and with safe words, then I am quite happy to oblige.
What they actually want can range from a little light relief to being spanked and filmed to shibari (Japanese rope bondage, like the pictured Mr. Rhoades) and restraints. Some want a slice of pain to go with their pleasure. Use your imagination a little bit.
“Safewords.” There is a lot of talk about them. You’ve mentioned them. Give us the rundown on what and how it works.
A safeword is a word you can use to stop a scene in its tracks. if you’re uncomfortable or a scene gets too intense for you to handle, you use the word. there are also non-verbal safe words like gestures or hand signals if you are unable to speak.
An effective safe word is something that you will never, ever say during sex. My personal favorites are “Kerfluffle,” “pineapple” and “Buscemi” – as in the Actor. I have never heard that particular word during sex. Have you?
No doubt safety is an issue in this line of work. It’s your job to gauge the situation and the participants and call it quits if necessary? Safewords are a part of this right?
As a Domme, it’s also my job to make sure that things are safe. Safe Words are there for the Submissive to be able to control the pacing and tension of the scene.
It’s my responsibility to make sure everything else is safe before and during the scene. This covers everything from being aware of any medical conditions (e.g. Asthma), having the right medication, to the aircon not being too cold, to ensuring restraints don’t cut off blood flow, and that marks left (by flogger, whip, or riding crop) are not permanent.
Aftercare is what happens after a session is over. It’s about making sure that your submissive – after I’ve done my job – can come back to reality from subspace. Subspace is a partly physical, mostly mental state of intense, dizzy joyful feelings.
Aftercare is about bringing them back down to earth, safely and slowly. Leaving a submissive in that state, unsupervised is functionally irresponsible because, in their altered mental state, accidents and injuries are common.
Ligature marks like these come from Hemp rope. When tied correctly, it is normal for such marks to appear, and 100% safe. The marks normally fade within the hour.
If Safe Words are what keep the Submissive safe for me during a scene, it is my responsibility as a Domme to keep them safe before, during, and after.
Walk us through a typical session from start to finish. Let us live vicariously through your experience. How long is a session on average?
Normally my sessions run for between 2-3 hours. And it always starts with a consultation. We establish your kinds, the limits, safewords, and preferred aftercare methods. Then comes figuring out the sultry details – be it cotton rope versus handcuffs to whether it’s a willow cane or a spanking paddle.
Once we’ve ironed out all the details, and of course, payment clears, then the scene itself can unfold. A typical scene involves some level of restraint, edged and denied the opportunity to orgasm. Then it becomes rinse and repeat. Occasionally, there will be impact play: either with their chosen implements or bare hands, sometimes with verbal degradation and humiliation.
The scene plays out over the course of an hour to an hour and a half and then comes aftercare. What works will vary from person to person. Sometimes it’s just quiet conversation, others need some cuddling. Once everything is over, there’s normally a little bit of clean up and we go our separate ways, until the next session.
Having lived somewhat vicariously through your experiences, we’re wondering about the tools of the trade. Where do you get those from?
Sometimes, you can get things you need from local hardware and pet stores, and these are great for those who want to take the chance to try something or spice things up in the bedroom. They are safe substitutions for more expensive and high-quality items.
Photo credit Makenshi Fox on VisualHunt.com
But, as is the case with all products of this nature, you are paying what you get for. An RM15.00 riding crop from a Times Square Sex Shop will not give you the same mileage as a USD75.00 professionally made one. Maybe one day I’ll give you a tour of the toy box.
Speaking of costs, dollars, and sense, do you make enough money as a Domme to do so full-time?
I offer a very exclusive service, and the rates for my services reflect that accordingly. My Submissives would pay and pay well during past years, which made it easy to make a reasonable living because there is limited competition.
Unfortunately, there is also an overabundance of clients that don’t understand what I do and are not prepared to pay to play who also have a mentality of entitlement. It is bitterly disappointing when people make demands that are not only unreasonable but in a few cases downright unsafe.
It’s kind of the main reason why I still have a day job and don’t work as a Domme full-time.
Ultimately, I offer a service, and while you are submitting to me, you are expected to pay for a service, not try to undermine me.
Today, the pandemic, its economic effects, and the MCO’s impact has been and continues to be significant. A lot of people have lost their jobs, and for a number of my Submissives, my services have become a luxury that they can no longer afford. I do keep in touch with them, for when things improve.
The minority that does, does pay well.
Maybe one day. So switching gears, what is your take on seeing BDSM accessories and outfits in pop culture and even making the catwalk and runways?
BDSM influences in pop culture and fashion is something that I absolutely love and adore seeing. It actually normalizes half my current wardrobe.
Malaysia is still, however, neither forgiving nor understanding of those who have passions and interests that go beyond the traditional or normal especially in matters of sex and sexuality. I think that we are still a long way from the kind of quiet acceptance that is common in Europe and America.
What I cannot stand are shows like “Bonding” and the entire franchise of “50 Shades” movies. They popularized BDSM and certainly made it more mainstream, but have failed to accurately portray everything we’ve talked about in terms of safe words, and safety.
50 Shades of Gray. We get to that at last. Is anything it portrays even remotely accurate? What do you think of its representation of BDSM?
“50 shades” began as twilight fanfiction – and not necessarily good fanfiction – and while I have no qualms against it, I have issues with the way BDSM is portrayed. There is absolutely zero respect towards BDSM in any way shape or form. There is no discussion regarding limits or consent or safewords.
I believe in three cardinal rules when it comes to BDSM: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. You have to be in a safe frame of mind to ensure that decisions made will be sane so that everyone and everything will be consensual.
“50 Shades” takes those three things and basically chucks it out the window. I totally agree with the sentiment that taking away the riches of Christian Gray would transform “50 Shades of Gray” into an episode of Criminal Minds.
Does the presence of BDSM culture in the mainstream make it more acceptable or just trivializes it?
I hope that it will make people more accepting of alternative expressions of sexuality that go beyond the traditional norms. It gives an opportunity for more discussion and direct open conversation, hopefully leading to understanding, and respect.
And while I am thrilled to see the subtle influences of BDSM in everything from clothing to jewelry and even makeup, I don’t think the majority of Malaysia is ready to have discourse on such a topic, and even trying to bring it up is only going to lead to further dissent and division inside and outside of the community.
Why do you think people are drawn to BDSM?
A curiosity that killed the cat? Genuine curiosity is definitely a part of what attracts people initially. After all, the taboo, the censored, the poorly regulated “thing” always attracts the attention of people.
But what makes them stay? It’s the freedom of expression, the catharsis, and satisfaction. BDSM lets its participants connect on an emotional level with another person, whether Dominant or Submissive. That bond, closeness, and trust can make BDSM more intoxicating and addictive than any drug out there for the right person.
The right person is anyone who was curious. Whether it’s a one time trip into the wild, or something more long term and permanent, depends on what, or perhaps who draws them in.
Any advice for those individuals looking to find their Dominatrix or Dominant?
Research. Research. Research.
Not just into the type of BDSM you are curious about, but also check online. There are communities, chat rooms, and even forums that will welcome you, and your curiosity as long as you remain courteous and keep things Safe, Sane, and Consensual.
Understand your kinks, understand yourself, and most importantly accept these parts of yourself. This will help you find the right Dominant or Submissive if, and when the time is right for you.
Thanks for your time, Mistress Ava.
Oh, the pleasure is all mine.
For more stories like this, read: Losing Your Virginity: Real Stories from Real Malaysians and I Was Once a Transgender Sex Worker in Malaysia
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