Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
Recently, Malacca’s state government posted on Facebook about mental health awareness. Unfortunately, they took the worst example possible: that of a husband experiencing stress over his wife earning more than him.
Source: Hannah Yeoh Twitter
As inflation has risen sharply over the years, it is impossible to maintain the working husband and housewife dynamic that was popularised in the times of our parents. Nowadays, both parties in a marriage must work in order to maximise the household income.
The Facebook post was taken down, presumably due to the barrage of people rightfully ridiculing it. However, it is a reflection of Malaysian society and what is wrong with it.
1. The post validates misogyny
The post linked to a study which found that husbands were less stressed when wives earn about 40% of the household income. Once it exceeds that threshold, husbands are likely to feel more stress.
Feelings are feelings, that’s true – but we are all adults here, and we are responsible for our emotions and how we respond to them. Men need to sit down and work with their feelings instead of suppressing them. It’s unfair to feel resentful towards your wife just because her work is bringing in more income, and it’s not like the husband won’t reap any benefits from it.
Source: Hannah Yeoh Twitter
Unfortunately, many men still feel this way: I have girl friends whose husbands resent them because they earn more. And even more unfortunately, the post made it seem okay to feel that way. I keep imagining their husbands seeing a post like that and then feeling like it’s actually right to feel that resentment.
The post validated mental health, sure, but in a way that puts down women.
2. They really could have used a better issue
The post also centered men in a laughably clownish scenario: why not talk about the high rates of suicide amongst men? Or toxic masculinity and its effects on male psychological distress?
Instead, the post reinforced traditional gender roles that don’t even apply in today’s economy – I mean, can any household that isn’t obscenely wealthy afford to have one partner stay home to housekeep? Not today, at least. Maybe 20 years ago, but definitely not in the Malaysia where earning RM2,208 is a sign of poverty.
Source: Fly Malaysia
I’m not saying that the mental health of men isn’t important, because it really is. I’m saying that they could have picked a way better issue if they really wanted to raise awareness of mental health – an issue that doesn’t look down on women.
Here are examples of better issues they could have highlighted:
- Addiction to legal drugs (alcohol or nicotine)
- Men being less likely to seek help when they are facing psychological distress
- Men tend to have more shallow social relationships, making their female partner (or a close female friend) their sole emotional support
- Literally anything that isn’t misogynistic
3. They did not fully investigate why men feel that way
Men may feel stressed about their wife earning more, but why is that? Is it due to lack of self esteem? Could it be because of the burden of society thinking men should still (in the year 2022) be the main breadwinner?
Psychological distress in men is definitely very important, but it’s also important to determine the cause of it. So a husband may feel some anxiety and depression from not being the breadwinner, but it’s not enough to just leave it at that.
Men could feel that way from any factor! It could be due to his own career not taking off as well as he thinks it should. It could also be because his mother and his mother-in-law think he’s incompetent for financially taking the backseat compared to his wife.
It’s important to discover the root cause – and then go for treatment, whether it’s seeing a psychologist/counselor or even honest communication with his wife (although he’d better be careful to phrase this as a him problem if he still wants a wife).
The main issue is that Malaysian women have constantly had to take a backseat to Malaysian men.
Not just from the perspective of society either, but also legally. It was only recently that Malaysian women have been given the right to pass citizenship to overseas born children, and even then the government had filed an appeal against the High Court ruling. The gender pay gap also exists here.
The mental health of men is an important issue that deserves its own discussion – but it must not come at the cost of women’s rights.
For more stories like this, read: I’m A Malaysian Woman Who Loves Sex – Here’s Why It Should Be Destigmatised, I’m A Malaysian Woman In My Mid-30s Who Does NOT Want To Get Married – Here’s Why, and I’m A Stay-At-Home Dad And It Was The Best Decision I Ever Made.
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