This is a story of how a young girl ended up getting her mom caught and prosecuted, ending up in jail for the past 20 years.
This happened many years ago, when I was around 11 years old. I lived with my mom and my siblings, my dad nowhere to be found. I was the oldest of the four siblings. My mother was always very negligent, and as far back as I could remember, she was always drunk. The times she wasn’t drunk, she was mean, angry and borderline abusive. I knew she loved us, but it’s hard to appreciate it having grown up in that household.
It was a normal occurrence at our house for my mom to be locked in her room, drinking and watching TV while I fended for my siblings. I would often be the ones making sure my siblings had something to eat after I came back from school. The meals were always something simple like sandwiches and cereal and maggi.
It was normal in my house for my mom to just ask me to help “settlekan” my adik-adik while she disappeared for hours.
The Day It All Changed
Then one day, after coming home from school and making some quick sandwiches for my siblings, I went to find my mom. I knocked on her room door many times, no answer. I went in and I saw her on the floor. Her head was right next to the door, eyes rolled back. I screamed. 11 year old me had no idea what was going on. I thought she had died.
I rushed to her, screaming and asking her to wake up. I could hear her slurring some words but I couldn’t understand anything. I was crying, panicking and screaming all at once. I ran to the house phone and dialed 999. I don’t remember much from then, but it seems that the operator that I was connected to sensed something was wrong and sent a police patrol unit to the house.
I remember the policemen arriving and I showed them to my mom’s room. I thought they would call the ambulance, she would get better and that would be the end. Instead, my siblings and I were taken to the police station, then one of our relatives came and picked us up much later that night. Turns out, my mom was high on drugs and was having an overdose reaction when I found her. The police also found a huge amount of syabu (meth) in the house, leading to the arrest and prosecution of my mom.
She was charged with distribution and trafficking as they also found large amounts of cash in the house.
A Nightmare That Followed
What followed was a huge nightmare, both for my siblings and I and my mother. We weren’t in contact with many family members, but we went to live with my grandma’s sisters daughter – she was a good woman, treated us well. We didn’t see my mom often, but there were some moments we were allowed to – and I hated those moments. She would blame me for everything that happened to her. She told me that I was the reason she started taking drugs – because apparently being my mother was the hardest thing she had to deal with – so it was my fault she was in prison now. My siblings also blamed me for many years. I mean they were so young when it all happened. The youngest was 4, then 6, 8 and me at 11. For a long time, they would throw it in my face that the reason they didn’t have a mother was because I put her in jail.
It took a long time to release all the pain I was holding on, especially the guilt. For a really long time, I was holding onto the guilt of being the reason my mother is still in prison.
Recently, I became a mother myself. I have a child now, just two years of age. It made me think a lot about my mother and how she approached motherhood. I totally get that she was left alone by my dad.
but even then I couldn’t believe she would leave me to take care of the young kids at such a young age.
Motherhood Made Me Forgive Myself
I know that no matter how sick or tired I am, I would never let my kid go hungry, or just stay locked in my room. I can’t understand why she had kids, as it really seemed she did not want them. I don’t understand how she could keep drugs in the house with all of us children around, knowing how dangerous it could be if one of us kids accidently found it.
Ever since I became a mother myself, I started to forgive myself for what I did to my mom and my siblings. For a long time I was carrying the guilt, but as a mother myself, I came to realize what she did was truly unforgivable.
I don’t regret the fact that my mom is sitting in jail right now, not being able to see her children grow up, not being able to be a part of her grandkids life. Every time in the past I had tried to visit her and keep a relationship, she blamed me and made me feel terrible for what I did as a child. Now, I’m done trying and I will do my best for my kids.
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