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I am a Psychology student from a university here in Subang Jaya, and I am currently in my second semester. Two nights ago, I had a realization — I don’t actually like Psychology.
I had a whole breakdown about it at 5 in the morning, because this realization means that I am pursuing it without a purpose whatsoever.
I know it is a privilege to be able to study in a university, and I am extremely grateful that my parents are paying for my education. However, this is not what I want.
Since the beginning, I have always known that film-making is the one for me.
Sadly, none of my family members supported my decision.
That’s the thing about studying an art degree – It’s hard to make a living in Malaysia because the film industry here is not prominent enough.
I know my family have my best interest in mind when they oppose it, but I know what I’m getting into making that choice.
I struggled to convince them to let me study film but to no avail. Every time I had a talk with my parents about this, I would retreat my room after and proceed to bawl my eyes out.
I cried and I cried, at least four times a week.
Feeling hopeless, I have come to terms with the fact that I won’t ever be able to study film, but I have not fully given up on it.
I still have plans to pursue film-making as a career, but this means I will have to wait longer than I intended to.
Through it all, I couldn’t help but think… what if I had just stood my ground and fought for my dream?
For the past 9 months, my mind has been stuck in a loop and this is all I have been thinking about for all the time that I have spent studying Psychology.
Is it even possible for me to spend another two years studying something I have just a tiny bit of interest in?
Truthfully, picking Psychology was an impulsive decision.
I had just graduated from college back in March, and I was seriously in need of a break because I have had a tough time in my last semester of college.
I was not mentally prepared to go into university so quickly, but I was practically forced to go back to studying full time three weeks after I graduated from college.
Seeing as I am not allowed to study film, that means I have to decide on another course within those three weeks.
Three weeks was definitely not enough for me to decide what other degree I should pursue, but I managed to narrow it down to two options: Mass Communication or Psychology.
On the open day itself, I was still contemplating. I have not made up my mind, but I was put on the spot. I had to decide right there and then which course I will devote the next three years of my life to.
I picked Psychology in the end, even though deep down I was still unsure.
I still remember that day vividly. You know how people generally feel happy and proud when they finally enroll in a university? It’s the opposite for me.
When I got home, I started crying again.
It wasn’t the fact that I went for Psychology; it was the fact that I gave up so easily without a second thought.
Keen on rebelling against my parents, I skipped a lot of classes in semester 1. In fact, I skipped the first day of class too.
A few weeks in, I started taking it more seriously and decided to give it a chance. I fully committed myself to it and sure enough, that thought subsided for a while.
I managed to get a decent grade in my first semester, and I thought to myself that perhaps I could really make this work.
I was wrong.
I couldn’t make it work, and I feel like I’m the dumbest person in the whole course. Everyone around me seems to be really enthusiastic about being there.
They’re all seemingly coping well… but then there’s me.
I am not doing too well in my current semester. I started to regret being there, and this led up to the whole ordeal from two nights ago.
I have an interest in discussing mental health-related issues personally, but I certainly don’t like it enough to devote three years of my life studying it.
I know all these “what-ifs” won’t be enough to provide me the answer I’m searching for, but they’re all I have left.
For more stories about choosing your degree, read Why I’m Not Using My Degree in My Current Job and I Dropped Out Of My Law Degree – Here’s Why I’m The Happiest I’ve Ever Been.