Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
Restrictions are easing and people are meeting their friends and family again. But not without some dread unrelated to the pandemic. There are some people who just say things without thinking, or maybe they’re that person that blurts out things, and we all hate having to put up with what they say out of courtesy.
These people excuse their behaviour by saying that it’s because they care, but it’s not like they’re saying things that we’re not aware of. It always ends up feeling like these people are trying to put us down regardless of how much they claim to care.
Sometimes we think… if this person really cared, why are they making themselves so hard to be around?
If you’re that person, here are some things that you should probably stop saying whenever you meet someone you know:
1. Weight related comments
I’ve actually stopped talking to people who love making observations about my pendulum weight.
“Wah, you so fat now” and “oh, you put on so much weight” are always unwelcome comments. Always. They serve no purpose either. It’s not like the person doesn’t know whether they put on weight or not. So what’s the point of these comments?
Even comments of weight loss aren’t completely welcome either. You don’t know if the person has an eating disorder, or a dysphoric body image, and sometimes what feels like a genuine compliment on weight loss can feed into some really problematic thoughts.
It’s honestly better to stay away from any weight related comments. That is, if you genuinely care about the person.
2. While we’re at it, just… don’t comment negatively on someone’s appearance
The general rule is that if it’s something that can’t be fixed in under a minute, it might be best not to mention it.
It doesn’t matter if the person is wearing clothes you’d never be caught dead in or if you disagree with their fashion choices. Neither is it that big of a concern if someone changed up their style and you think their new style is not as great as their old one.
Acceptable things to mention (but discreetly, because after all, you don’t actually want to embarrass the person, do you?) include: food stuck in their teeth, period blood overflows, smudged makeup, toilet paper stuck to the other person’s shoe… things like that.
It’s better to compliment someone on something you do genuinely admire about their appearance. Like for example, “I love those earrings” or “wow, I really admire your sense of colours”.
Let’s try to say some nice things about people, shall we?
3. “What are you doing now?”
Even if you mean well, this can be a very personal question to ask someone. Some people find the question intrusive, and would rather not talk about what they’re up to job wise because they don’t see their job as something that is part of their identity – just something that pays the bills. It doesn’t help that the question is usually borne out of competitiveness and a need to be nosy.
And for others, their reasoning is that they already spend the majority of their time working – they don’t want to spend their free time talking about work as well.
My friend Ravin told me about the way he handles this: “My answer when people ask me ‘sooo, what are you doing now?’ is usually ‘I’m here, talking to you.’”
4. Questions about how much someone has spent on something
Although it is considered a faux pas to talk about money in Western society, Malaysian culture does not see it that way. People will bug you about how much you’ve spent on large purchases.
“How much did you spend on that car/house/wedding/etc.?”
This can be a question asked in good faith, however. Sometimes people do ask you these questions because they’re intending to make the same purchase and wish for a sort of financial guideline.
But a lot of the time, that’s not the case. I mean, it’s not like that aunty at the family reunion wants to know how much you spent on your wedding because she intends to divorce uncle and remarry.
5. Questions about how much money you earn or receive
I do not understand why people feel comfortable asking someone this, especially when they’re not close or not in the same industry. People seem to do this more when you have a creative career, or a career that is in the service industry.
It’s more of that competitive drive to assure themselves that they’re superior to you. It feels like this question is asked more out of a need to be kepo than from actually caring.
A friend who had recently got married told me about an aunt who kept asking about how much he received from his wedding angpaus. His standard answer: “It was ‘enough’.”
A lot of these comments are made/questions are asked because of a lack of self awareness and a serious disregard for the boundaries of other people.
Some people don’t mind being them, but others do. The key is to understand that each person has their own boundaries, and it’s often better to abstain from saying these things than to say them and potentially cause offence.
People actually dread having to go to social functions because they anticipate having to deal with these comments and questions. Knowing that people aren’t going to comment on their weight gain/loss, their chosen career, or anything that they find unpleasant conversation makes social functions a lot more fun.
Let’s go back to that wise old saying our parents taught us: “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all!”
For more articles like this, read: The Malaysian Guide To Getting Immediately Unmatched On Tinder, Malaysian Men, Here Are 6 Creepy Things Women Want You To STOP Doing!, and “Why You So Quiet Ah” – The Dos And Don’ts Of Befriending An Introvert in Malaysia.
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