This is a story of how a Malaysian woman was forced to get married young, and despite her protests of wanting to focus on her studies, her parents found a man for her to marry. She ended up divorcing her husband and regrets marrying young.
I come from a traditional and conservative family from Kelantan. My relatives and family all got married in their late teens and early twenties. It was not uncommon for my cousins to get married at 18, 19 or 20 years old. Even the men married young, but the latest for them would be around 25 years old.
Since I was 18, my parents already started to “cari jodoh” for me. They wanted me to get married right after high school like my older sisters and “have a better life”.
I knew since I was young that I didn’t want to get married, as I longed for a life in the city, travelling and meeting new people. That type of thinking was not accepted nor tolerated by my family. I didn’t even dare tell them how I feel. I was a quiet child that was obedient.
When I finished my STPM, I was already 20 and dreamt of going to university.
My parents were adamant that I should get married first, as I most likely would go to KL to further my studies.
I had already got accepted into a local university in KL, even obtaining a full scholarship but my parents made me defer a year, and the condition to move was I needed to get married first.
In my parent’s conservative mind, being married would protect me as I explored a new city and I would have someone to come home to every night.
During this time, I really wasn’t thinking much about relationships or men, as I was thinking of my career as a small town girl with big dreams. I reluctantly agreed to my parent’s condition, and agreed that they can help look for a suitor.
Within 3 months, my parents had found someone they approved of. His parents were friends with mine, and they were impressed that he had his own house and car. He lived and worked in KL, and he was 30 years old.
We met a couple of times before we got engaged. It was neither good nor bad. I told him about my aspirations of furthering my studies and wanting to be a business owner in the future.
Not a knight in shining armour
By the time I was 21 years old, I was already married to my husband. He and his family were nice enough and treated me well. I was looking forward to moving to KL and starting my studies.
We started getting into fights within a couple of weeks of moving to KL. At first it started because I was spending too much time with my books and not caring for the house.
He wanted me to cook more and send him food in the morning to take to work. As a full time student, it was too much to handle.
I was determined not to fall behind in school as my scholarship depended on it, so I could not afford to not meet the requirements. In the end, I have to admit, I was not the housewife he expected me to be.
Our fights got worse, especially since he wanted to start a family. He kept saying how he wanted to bring children into this world and that was one of reasons he got married.
I told him I was still focused on my studies and only wanted to have children when I was around 27 or 28 years old.
By the 2nd year mark of our marriage, our fights were getting so bad that our families were getting involved.
Of course, all of the blame fell on me as the wife that did not want to do her womanly duties, especially as my husband was being a provider.
My parents put a lot of blame on me for not fulfilling my duties and bringing shame to the family. His side of the family also made clear how they felt about me.
I kept fighting hard for my dreams of being a career woman, and of having my own business. In the meantime, I was also running my own drop shipping business online and earning extra income.
The eventual downfall
After two and a half years of marriage, we decided to call it quits. He was unhappy with me as a wife – not having kids and not taking care of the home well, and I was unhappy that he didn’t support my dreams.
So now, at the young age of 24 years old, I’m a divorcee.
People find it so weird, especially here in KL. They are surprised that I would get married so young but I don’t think they really understand what it’s like to grow up in a conservative family like mine.
The pressure for marriage is real and I know many women like me, except a lot of them never managed to get out of their marriage.
The light at the end
The light that has kept me going is that I have been doing really well at school despite it all and will be graduating with a distinction. I have also secured a scholarship to pursue my Master’s in Business Management.
My dropshipping business has also been a steady stream of income for me to not be reliant on my husband (or any man going forward).
For now, I don’t see myself getting married again. Maybe one day I will find someone that understands me, but right now I don’t think having a husband will bring me any benefits. I’m busy with school, business and planning for future ventures in my career.
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