This is the story of a Malaysian Indian woman who chose dance over a marriage she wasn’t ready for. It’s about tradition, control, guilt, and the freedom that comes from choosing yourself.
I come from a fairly conservative Indian family in Perak. We grew up very modest in our behaviour and dressing as it was expected out of us, as women. I have 2 sisters younger than me and 3 older brothers.
They are all married with children now, and I’m the only one that isn’t. Three of my siblings have moved to KL while my two eldest brothers remain in the town we grew up in with my parents.
When I was 20, I came to KL to pursue my education, then got a job, and then was on my way to get married as societal pressure would have pushed me to. It never happened, thankfully, as it was discovered by my future in-laws that I was dancing with other men. Yes, you read that correctly.
You see, the community I come from, they still believe that women’s roles are limited to the house and the kitchen, while expecting her to be educated, but not to use their education, nor explore themselves. When I started working, one of my co-workers introduced me to latin dancing.
If you know anything about salsa or bachata, you would know that it requires very close contact with your partner, and it’s most probably a man. A man who just loves to dance and express, nothing more.
I saw dancing as a form of escape from the daily grind of my work and stress of my family. Of course coming from a traditional Indian family is very demanding. There’s a lot of responsibilities and duties that need to be fulfilled.
Dancing was my escape. It was never really something I thought to share with my family, because I kept my KL life and my kampung life pretty separate. I would go back to visit my parents fairly often, like once a month or maybe even twice. It was mostly out of guilt and duty.
Then they wanted me to get married, even though I was not ready. The pressure got to me, and I agreed reluctantly. They found me a man, I agreed because it was as good as it would get. He had a job in KL which meant I could continue living in KL and didn’t need to move.
Two months before I got married, things took a turn.
As it turns out, his younger brother had seen photos and videos of me on social media, posted by the dance studio. It was taken during a showcase where I was performing with my dance partner. Yes, we looked intimate as it was part of the art, and yes I wore a short dress and heels, as it was part of salsa dance culture.
They had never seen me in anything besides traditional Indian attire, and it was a shock to them. The brother told his family about it and they made a huge deal, going to my parents and brothers about it.
I was still in KL while this was happening in the middle of an important work week.
I kept getting bombarded with messages on my family group chat, my mother, father and brothers blowing up my phone to berate me for dressing like this being “vulgar” online. My sisters were no help either. While they didn’t say anything to me, they didn’t stand up either, but I wasn’t really expecting anyway.
On that weekend, when I finally had a bit of time for myself, I decided: I didn’t want to stop dancing. In fact, I love it and it was something I was passionate about. I told my family that they can call off the marriage because I wasn’t gonna stop my dancing.
They pulled quite a fit, and over the next couple of months it triggered a slew of issues that resulted in me going no contact with all of them. I decided that the pain it caused me to fit into the mold they had pictured for me was far too demanding of me, and I just wanted to live in a way that brought me joy.
I blocked all of them, bar my youngest sister. My brothers were the most abusive with their words and were the first to get cut off.
followed by my parents who I tried so hard with to have a relationship with outside of what had happened.
I still send money back home. I just transfer it to my parents account directly every month, but I’ve stopped calling them and visiting them.
Of course, I felt extremely guilty in the beginning, but over time my mental health improved a lot. I’ve since even started teaching salsa and spreading the joy of dance to more people. I live comfortably as a single woman who’s unmarried.
I travel to other countries to visit their dance festival and meet interesting people all the time. Trading in my family’s approval allowed me to live a life that brought me purpose and joy.
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