Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. This article is a personal submission by the author and does not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
Over the weekend, I got into a conversation with my girl friends about what men do that women find creepy. The list was long and somewhat predictable, but a few things did stand out. Intrigued, I decided to reach out to all the women in my life to get some perspective.
Having spoken to a total of 30 women, here are their statistics:
- About 15 felt scared walking alone in a public place in broad daylight. 22 said they wouldn’t venture out at night alone.
- Almost all my younger cousins and nieces in their 20s say that they have experienced some form of verbal sexual harassment.
- All of them said that they have had the feeling that they are being followed when walking or using public transport.
From all the women in my life, here are the top 6 things they say that Malaysian men do – oftentimes unintentionally – that make women feel freaked out, insecure, slightly neurotic, and possibly paranoid about their personal safety.
1. Personal space to men, possible crime victim to women
Pre-pandemic, there were always men who simply didn’t understand the concept of personal space in a public setting. This is, fortunately, less of a problem now thanks to social distancing.
But the problem still persists. There’s nothing as disconcerting as having someone you don’t know walking a little too close. Well, it’s disconcerting for men. For women, it’s like a siren goes off in their heads like, “is this man going to kill me?”
Either slow down until you’re at a respectable distance or put on a little bit of speed and overtake. But if she starts to walk faster, don’t try to overtake her again. It might feel like a walk-a-thon to you, but she’ll be wondering why you’re so insistent on walking close to her when she doesn’t know you.
2. Social media is NOT a dating website
Every girl has added that one guy who proceeds to like, comment, and react to everything she has ever posted on the platform in the last five days. Having blown up the notification panel, the first message arrives in the inbox – “Hi sexy!”
This message was sent to a woman who was looking for financial aid for migrant workers in tough situations. How helpful!
Women immediately give these guys the BRD treatment – Block, Report, Delete.
Popular culture teaches that guys who are laid back will never get their girl! “Be forward! Be bold! Be aggressive in pursuit!” Sure. Go ahead. Get yourself served a restraining order.
Dating should be seen as a two-way street. Sending one-sided messages love-bombing her in the hopes that she gives in to a date does not look like confidence. It feels like an aggressive stalker, on the hunt.
3. Please don’t stare at women, no matter how hot you think they are
Honestly, it does happen that you gaze into the distance when you’re having a deep philosophical moment or just being very blur-sotong. Thing is, people caught in these zone-out moments will immediately look away when they snap back to reality.
But if you’re one of those guys that just stares at an attractive woman, then stop it. Women are not animals on exhibition at Zoo Negara.
Women are often hyperaware of their surroundings when out in public, and can feel when a strange person is staring at them. Even if they’re dressed in sexy clothing, a look of appreciation is distinctly different from a laser stare.
Trust me, they know. Now please avert your gaze.
4. Stop hitting on women who are just occupying the same public space as you
In some social situations (like if you’re at the birthday party of a mutual friend), it’s actually okay to make small talk with strangers. Women will naturally be cautious but given a little time, can warm up to the conversation.
The moment those questions become more personal, the entire conversation and the guy immediately becomes a red flag. The questions include anything about her personal lives and background including:
- Where she spends a lot of time, like where she lives/studies/works
- Whether she has a significant other/spouse/partner
- Why she is wearing whatever she is wearing
Please take these guidelines with a pinch of salt, because the social context will make all the difference. In a bar on a night out, it could be the start of your personal romantic comedy. These questions at 10 PM at an LRT Station at 10 PM could make the woman feel like the victim on the pilot episode of CSI: Kuala Lumpur.
Also: please don’t hit on women who are working. Yes, that barista was really friendly, but she’s just doing her job. Don’t ask her out.
5. “No” means “no” – it’s not an invitation for you to ramp up your game
Horror movie villains and monsters generally get tagged with the word “relentless.” This generally means that the big bad evil guy won’t give up and is consequently quite terrifying.
This also applies to men that are incapable of taking “no” for an answer, as in “no, I will not go out with you.” You are not coming off as persistent or romantic to the woman, who feels that she is fending off a stalker’s advances.
She’s already said “no” and you’re failing to read the most direct, blunt, and obvious statement that she is not interested in you. It’s probably reached the point where her replies are short, clipped sentences, and her body language is decidedly anti-social.
The bottom line is that if you are starting the conversation and she doesn’t respond positively, she’s not interested and you should leave her alone.
6. There’s a difference between being romantic and being really creepy
You’re going on a date and creeping her probably merits a pretty major red flag right? Like mentioning that you Googled her and know where she works.
But when a man gets too intense about anything by the second or third date – especially about whomever he is dating – the natural instinct for most women is to run like it’s Hari Sukan and she’s the only hope for her sports house.
This includes way too many romantic gestures that range from sending love letters and flowers, to clingy behavior that borders on obsessive. These can be romantic gestures when you read the situation and interpret her level of interest correctly, or when you’ve at least established that you’re dating each other exclusively.
It also depends on whether she responds with enthusiasm and perhaps reciprocates the gesture – in that case, things are going well. Otherwise, you are going to quickly go from romantic to a creepy stalker. Tone it down.
The gestures of love, romance, and affection should be genuine and not just something you do to get the benefits of being in a relationship. Remember to take it slow so that you can actually build a strong foundation for a possible relationship.
Admittedly, it can be pretty hard for men to tell when they’re being creepy.
As men, we’re pretty privileged to not have the same security issues as women. There’s this joke that crazy ex-girlfriend stories are different from crazy ex-boyfriend stories – women often do not survive their crazy ex-boyfriends.
Women do not have it easy when it comes to determining what or who could possibly be a threat, so they have to assume that every man is a threat until they prove otherwise. There’s also no sure-fire way to prevent misunderstandings and miscommunication. Sometimes, social cues get missed.
Every woman is almost constantly on guard to stay safe, and the state of society means that a man who takes the extra step might get a weird look. There is also truth to the argument that most men are not creeps, freaks, or sociopathic serial killers.
But how is a woman supposed to tell the difference?
For more stories like this, read: “How Did You Meet?” 3 Malaysians Share The First Time They Met The Love Of Their Life, When My Girlfriend Helped My Parents Reconcile After 22 Years of Divorce, I Knew She Was The One and 3 Malaysians Share Their Worst Dating Experiences After Swiping Right.
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