Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
I got married at the age of 19, back in the year 2000. After 22 years together, we are finally getting divorced. Here is why you should never marry young – and what you can do instead to ensure that your partner is the right one.
I Decided To Get A Divorce On Hari Raya, When I Was Out Cycling
It was Hari Raya. I was riding solo on my bicycle, and as I was heading back home, I had this sudden realisation and started crying during the ride. I realised that I felt disconnected, sad, dejected, and unwanted for much of the time I was with my husband.
I’ve tried my best to reconnect, but nothing was working.
Back at home, I told my husband that we needed to talk.
I was still in my cycling gear and said: “I’m sorry, I’m not happy anymore.”
And he replied with: “I know, so am I.”
I said, “I am sorry, I am not in love with you anymore.”
He replied: “I know that, and so do I. In fact, I have been feeling this way a whole lot longer than you. I’ve been thinking like this for years. I didn’t know how to bring up the topic because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. But since you brought it up, let’s talk.”
So we talked for a few good hours, and it was a very mutual, calm, wise discussion; we weren’t fighting – which was the first time we managed to do that, to talk very calmly. It was quite an ironic discussion, but we concluded that we needed to separate.
[image taken by the author, mushamir mustafa]
What Happened Previously That Led To This Event
We had grown apart and realised that we had no more common interests. We were fighting all the time and had no feelings left for each other. There was also family interference from his side and I felt like I was under their ‘microscope’ a lot, and nothing I did was good enough.
He also had a previous affair many, many years back that broke the trust, and things didn’t quite feel the same – this happened long before we had kids (who are now 13, 10 and 7 years old). We also realise we were not speaking each other’s language and had many mismatches in communication.
“Also, I was not easy to be with, though – I was always angry and frustrated and didn’t quite know how to (be in a relationship)…being so young, it was a challenge still growing up as we were still both ‘kids’.”
So yes, we finally divorced this year (2022) at the age of 41, after celebrating our 22nd marriage anniversary.
[image taken by the author, mushamir mustafa]
Her Advice
Here’s what I realised that you need to know before committing to a long-term relationship:
- We both realised that we were 2 different people and needed to learn how to connect with each other.
- We didn’t have the same interests. He’s into basketball and gardening; I like cycling.
- We don’t speak the same Love Langauge, and this was something we discussed and discovered afterwards. There are many online tests that you both can take.
- We also took the Apology Language Test
It is not taboo to look at all these ‘psychological things’ such as love language tests, as well as the Apology Language test.
Because when I was ‘showing’ my love, he didn’t appreciate it because it wasn’t expressed in a language that he understood, and vice versa.
And when he showed to me his way of loving, I would think he didn’t love me.
It is the same thing when he apologised in a language that I didn’t quite understand and took it as something that he didn’t understand, and vice versa.
I showed him how I could relate, but he would think I didn’t apologise. We ‘post-mortemed’ our relationship to learn the lessons of what we could apply for our next relationships. I didn’t think I would have learned this without the breakup.
Whatever it is, kids come first. For me, whoever I (end up being) with, they have to be ok with my kids, and my kids must be able to love him.
You know that thought where it goes like: Stay in the relationship/marriage because and for the kids?
“I used to think that way until my psychologist friend gave an entirely new perspective – he said what kind of lesson are you teaching your kids?”
[image taken by the author, mushamir mustafa]
Secondly, if I were to stay in this marriage, my kids would have learnt that you must be in a marriage no matter what; even if your partner is abusive and you end up staying in the marriage because of children. My psychologist friend asked: “Do you not want them to be happy?”
That’s something I learnt and the message is: marriage and divorce are not the ends; it can be a good thing; it’s a fresh start, a lesson for the kids.
Don’t tolerate bullshit or an abusive relationship simply because of kids. Both my ex and I are a lot happier now – and they, our children, are happier too.
Know anyone with an exciting story to share? Drop us an email at hello@inreallife.my, and we may feature the tale!
For more stories like this, read:
10 Malaysians Share The Things They Wish They Knew Before Losing Their Virginity
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