In 2019, it was found that over one-third of Malaysian women have been harassed or assaulted. IRL asked women in Malaysia about their stories. Here’s one woman’s story from her perspective:
The stereotypical way that rape happens in movies is that the girl is either intoxicated or she is really sad and a stranger comes along and takes advantage of the situation. They show that most times it’s completely forceful.
But people need to know that’s not the case for all rape or sexual assault situations.
In reality, if you were sexually assaulted, 90% of the time, it was by someone you know and trusted. Sexual assault isn’t always what it’s made out to be.
The guy who assaulted me probably does not even understand the magnitude of the situation or how I feel about it because I have never told him. He has no idea what he did.
It was my first year in college and I had just moved to KL alone.
I had a new level of freedom that I have never experienced. I was going through a phase of understanding myself and figuring out who I am, like every other first-year student.
I was discovering who I am outside the four walls of my home in the small town I grew up in.
Growing up, my parents were very strict. I was not allowed to be friends with the opposite gender or have a boyfriend. So I had no experience in the dating field, let alone talking to a guy platonically.
However, during orientation, I met this guy and we became friends. We became good friends and nothing felt weird.
He did not do anything that made me uncomfortable… until the day that he did.
One day, we were hanging out in his room, he was studying and I was just laying down on his bed, using my phone.
Suddenly, he stopped what he was doing and walked over. He started giving me a massage out of nowhere. I just thought “It’s nothing, it’s weird but it’s just a massage.”
All I remember is in the blink of an eye, it went from his hands touching my body to him being inside me.
When it happened, I had this instant shock and thought to myself ‘Is this what I think it is? Is this happening?’
I looked down, at the back and all around to understand what was going on. Then it hit me what he was doing.
I moved away and he grabbed me. I remember asking him something along the lines of “What are you doing?”
To which he responded, “It was going to happen anyway right?” and continued what he was doing while I just laid there staring at the ceiling.
I went numb and detached myself from reality. I felt no pleasure, I felt nothing.
I was frozen in place, stuck to the bed even after it was over. I just stayed on the bed, staring at the ceiling not understanding what happened. Physically I was there, but mentally I was not.
I still hung out with him after what happened.
After the incident, I went completely numb. In a weird twisted way, I felt like I owed him because he took a part of me when I was not ready to let that part of me go.
What I mean by “owing him” was, he was the first person I ‘shared’ my body with. I thought I had to keep giving him my body regardless of how I felt on the inside.
I detached myself from reality and did not allow myself to understand what was going on around me. I did not even think about what it was, I just pushed it aside.
That was my biggest mistake, detaching myself. I convinced myself that that was what sex was and what it was supposed to feel like.
I ignored the reality — I did not want to accept that I was a victim so badly, I kept denying the truth.
So it happened again and again, and every time my mind would shut off.
It was only a while later that I understood that I was getting taken advantage of.
There was a time when it was happening and I snapped out of my shocked state and tried to push him off but he was too heavy.
I told him if he doesn’t stop, I will yell and shout.
“That’s what I want you to do, I want you to scream,” he replied with a smirk.
It was then I realised that was not how sex is supposed to be. It struck me then that I am not safe. I waited for him to finish and immediately left.
I felt like an object that people can just use and throw away. I felt so stupid because of how naive and oblivious I was.
I let him take advantage of me and gave pieces of myself to someone undeserving. I did not want to hang out with him anymore.
However, I still did not understand it fully then. I just knew I was no longer the same person and things were not normal.
Telling people was not going to be an option because I was worried it would cause a conflict or I might get judged. I did not want to bring attention to myself.
There were times that I would see him around campus and get panic attacks. I would run to the bathroom and struggled to breathe.
It resulted in me doing things that I am not proud of like drinking alcohol excessively, smoking and occasionally doing drugs.
As time went on, I let myself understand and feel exactly what it was.
I was so in denial that I would do whatever it took to distract me, to take the pain away even if it was temporary. I was so disconnected from everything that I buried my feelings deep inside for years.
But as time went on, somewhere along the way, I let myself understand and feel exactly what it was.
That’s when things got better. The pain was still there, but I finally understood what it was.
Without even realising it, I started drinking less and less. Eventually, I put all my energy into working out and started getting healthier.
It doesn’t change what happened, but it did help me take my mind off it in a non-destructive way.
The more I worked out, the more I started loving myself, and that’s when I realised to the full extent that what happened was not ok.
It’s not ok that I told someone ‘No’ but they completely dismissed it.
It’s not ok that they just belittled my emotions and feelings.
That’s when I fully accepted everything, the whole extent of it, and things started to get better.
After that, when I saw him on campus, it was the last time I saw him and nothing happened. I did not have a panic attack, and I did not have to run to the bathroom.
I had gotten to a place where I could breathe.
No matter how they take it, sexual assault in any form is not ok.
People can say that I a1m lying, that I am just saying it because I regret it or that I brought it upon myself.
But how? How did I bring it upon myself when I didn’t even give consent? I just learned about my situation much later than usual.
I always thought rape is always something violent and aggressive. It is in some cases, but I never realised sexual assault can also happen in ways you would never think of.
Looking back at it, I can call myself stupid and say, “You could easily have walked away.” I have tried to think of all the things I could have done. But the truth is, you never know what you would have done in the situation until it’s happening.
People always ask “Why did you not report?’ or “You should speak out about it.” to other sexual assault victims.
Yes, you should report if you can, but most people only realise what happened to them a while after, once we’ve finally processed it. A lot of us have the fear that our stories would be disregarded or that we would be blamed.
I did not report it, nor do I plan to. It happened years ago and it would be a “he said, she said” situation.
Without any kind of proof and because I did not say a straight-up “No”, I do not think I will get justice. Instead, I think it will get turned around to me and I will get blamed for my own role in it.
And for speaking about it, if you have gone through the same thing I did, don’t feel pressured to tell your story if you are not ready.
Just know that there’s going to be people that will tell you what you should have done or question why didn’t you do something.
At the end of the day, it’s your story, not theirs, and whatever happened to you is very much real regardless of the magnitude. Your story is yours.
For more stories like this, read: I Was Betrayed and Assaulted by a Male Friend One Night. Here’s What I Wish People Didn’t Say to Me After And Men, No Always Means No. Here’s My Experience of Being a Woman in Malaysia
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