Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
One fine evening, I found myself in a cosy boutique restaurant in the bustling heart of KL.
I was with a couple, Lennon and Alexis, who are dear friends of mine.
Against my better judgement, I combed my hair and put on a dress that day.
“Do not look like a hobo!” Lennon and Alexis instructed me sternly the day before.
We were at that restaurant because Lennon was trying to pursue a girl, a hostess there.
Therefore, it was mandated that I be on my best behavior and not embarrass them.
After a short wait, a sweet-looking girl approached our table with our orders. It was the hostess — her name is Emma.
I noticed Lennon and Emma exchange a couple of shy glances. They had recognized each other from the pictures of their respective dating profiles. Although this was their first face-to-face meeting, they had been chatting on the phone for quite some time already.
We had our meal, then ordered dessert so Lennon could linger.
Before we left, Lennon dropped a little gift — a packet of Famous Amos cookies — at the counter for Emma.
The food was expensive and bad, Alexis and I agreed later on. “But it was worth it because Lennon got to finally meet Emma. He was so happy after that. Kept smiling to himself,” Alexis confided in me.
After Emma’s shift, she called Lennon. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming!” she squealed.
They talked into the night, whispering sweet nothings. Then, the big moment — they agreed to go on their first date.
The night was a success.
Lennon and Emma started officially dating not long after.
Alexis and I were ecstatic. We congratulated Lennon.
At this point, Lennon and Alexis had been dating for a couple of years. They live together and are still very much in love.
Since Alexis and Lennon are the only ones in my life that are forthcoming about their polyamorous relationship, I had a lot of questions for them.
“Polyamory! Isn’t that cheating?”
“No,” Alexis corrected me, “it’s only cheating if there’s no consent. And I whole-heartedly give my consent.”
Alexis was sitting next to Lennon on the sofa in my living room as she said this. We just had burgers and fries for dinner and were suffering from serious food comas.
Living in a society where monogamy is upheld as the gold standard, this sounded like infidelity to me at first.
Alexis said: “Why should I stop him from loving other people?”
“You consent to sharing your boyfriend with another girl?” I asked, reclining from a lazy position on a bean bag.
“Well, a person can love multiple people at a time. It’s like a parent loving multiple kids. Doesn’t affect our love. So why should I stop him from loving other people?” Alexis said with a shrug.
Well, a parent loving their child feels very different from loving a partner romantically, but go on.
“Besides, we are still very much in love. And if we are going to fall out of love with each other, it will happen whether there are other partners or not. Maybe the third partner will accelerate our ending, but she certainly wouldn’t be the cause of it.”
I thought that made sense. But I was still curious.
“How do you make your relationship work with multiple partners?”
My body still comatose on the bean bag like a Snorlax, I launched a barrage of questions. How does a polyamorous relationship work?
“Communication is of utmost importance. It is extremely crucial that every individual is honest,” Lennon shared. “Alexis is my primary, and I make that very clear.”
Emma learned about Alexis in the very beginning. As soon as they started chatting via the app, Lennon told her straightforwardly that he already has a girlfriend. His girlfriend consents to him dating a secondary partner, but his primary girlfriend will always be the priority.
So Emma is aware about the arrangement and, according to Lennon, has no issue with it.
With one arm around Alexis, Lennon said, “It’s very important to decide ahead. What does the secondary look for in this relationship? Is it emotional support? Sexual pleasure? It can be anything, but it must be clearly communicated in the beginning. No one relationship is the same, and it’s really up to each couple to decide on their dynamics.”
I learnt from Lennon that this is actually a common arrangement for many polyamorous couples. Usually, the secondary partner wants the company without sacrificing their autonomy or independence, so for them, this arrangement is the best of both worlds.
A person might opt to become a secondary partner for any reason — a highly demanding job, frequent travel, a time-consuming hobby, other partners — anything that might make a traditional monogamous relationship difficult.
This plushie was hand-knitted with love by Emma for Lennon
I eventually reached out to Emma to post a question to her: “What do you value most? What do you look for in a romantic relationship? Feelings, sexual relations, financial security, or company?”
“I’ll say feelings and company,” Emma replied. She has big plans for her life and has no capacity for a traditional monogamous relationship, but she appreciates the company.
Presently, Lennon is her only romantic partner.
I probed, “What does being the primary mean?”
“It means that Alexis is the main priority in the relationship. We communicate very clearly on what we consent to or not,” Lennon replied, then looked fondly at Alexis, giving her hand a squeeze.
I listed four items and asked Alexis which she most valued being prioritized in: feelings, sexual relations, financial benefits, and company.
“I’m going to say feelings,” Alexis answered after a moment’s thought.
“I also expect to be the one Lennon spends festive seasons with. Unless it’s not an important festival to me. Once again, open communication.”
“Alexis, do you worry about being replaced as the primary?”
“No,” Alexis replied decisively. She even sniggered a little, amused that I would have this thought.
“If he wants to replace me, he can do it at any time. He doesn’t need a secondary to do that.”
“Wow, you must feel very secure to say that,” I responded.
“I mean, if I worry about being replaced, it has nothing to do with the secondary. People can cheat or leave you at any time. Nothing to do with it being a polyamorous relationship,” Alexis asserted.
“If I get replaced, that means my relationship had an issue to begin with.”
I nod in agreement.
Alexis continued, “You don’t worry about D finding a new wife,” referring to my husband.
“But D doesn’t have a secondary, so there is no present threat now,” I said.
“But you know he will get a new wife if he wants to, yet you’re not worried. Like I said, if people want to replace, they’ll do it anyway, under the guise of poly or plain old cheating. So I don’t think being in a polyamorous relationship makes it more likely,” Alexis said.
“Anyway, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. I won’t go kicking and screaming, begging to be taken back,” Alexis finished.
“How long do you expect to keep this polymarous lifestyle?”
As I asked this question, we were getting ready to crack open a bottle of Chivas Regal.
“Where’s the ice??” shouted Alexis from the kitchen.
“Freezer! Down! Look down!” I shouted back.
Back to the conversation, Lennon said simply, “The limitation is free time.”
If time is abundant, Lennon told me, he’d be happy to keep having secondaries, maybe even more than one.
But time is not abundant, nor is energy.
Lennon works in a fast-paced corporate job, so that has a tendency to seep one’s energy.
However, meeting girls is relaxing, especially on dating apps.
“I love dating apps. You learn so much by looking at a profile. An empty profile says plenty too. Of course, looks can attract me. Following that, how the person carries out the initial conversation — it makes sieving easy.”
Alexis returned, balancing two glasses of whiskey.
I asked Alexis if she’s going to find herself a secondary partner too, and she had the same thing to say: “Time. If I have more time, why not? But now, I’m really busy with work.”
“When your relationship became polyamorous, did it change anything?”
“Oh definitely!” Alexis and Lennon chorused.
If anything, their relationship has actually improved.
“Me dating other girls actually intensifies the spotlight on how I’ve been treating Alexis. When I do something for my secondary, I examine how I’ve been to Alexis,” Lennon told me.
“For example, it took me dating other girls to discover that Alexis likes when I manja with her. Watching me manja with other girls compelled conversation on this.”
Alexis nodded in agreement. I nodded in understanding.
I sipped on my whiskey, while Alexis and Lennon shared a glass between them.
“What would you say to other people who are also seeking a polyamorous relationship?”
“This is not for everyone. It takes a high level of confidence in yourself and your partner. The secondary partner must also have confidence in you.”
“If you have no emotional strength, get jealous easily, or don’t have the stamina, don’t do it,” Lennon said simply.
“If your partner does not consent to it, don’t either,” he continued.
Lennon explained, “Consent doesn’t mean a reluctant yes, or saying yes to gain favour. If you have to think hard and weigh the pros and cons, then it’s definitely not a yes.”
“In fact, Alexis said ‘go find another girl!’ many times before I actually believed her. ”
Alexis cracked a smile at this. “Oh ya. Lennon didn’t believe me when I said that I really don’t mind.”
“Tell me anything else I should know.”
“I’m really grateful to Alexis, my sweet primary partner, for being understanding and supportive. She has always stood by my side through thick and thin. I can ask for no better.”
Over the years, I’ve seen many unhappy relationships. Couples who stay in unhappy unions for whatever reasons—bickering daily, drowning in unending dissatisfaction.
But this couple before me was not one of them.
I studied the way they playfully bantered and cuddled on my sofa. The piercing electricity that zapped through the air when they looked at each other, leaving behind the scent of roses.
That’s real love, folks.
For more stories like this, read: Here’s What Happened When One Malaysian Couple Experimented with Polyamory.
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