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This story is about a couple, Lennon and Alexis, who experimented with polyamory and say they found it a positive experience.
One fine evening, I found myself in a cosy boutique restaurant in the bustling heart of KL. I was with a couple, Lennon and Alexis, who are dear friends of mine. We were at that restaurant because Lennon was trying to pursue a girl, a hostess there.
After a short wait, a sweet-looking girl approached our table with our orders. It was the hostess — her name is Emma.
I noticed Lennon and Emma exchange a couple of shy glances. They had recognized each other from the pictures of their respective dating profiles. Although this was their first face-to-face meeting, they had been chatting on the phone for quite some time already.
We had our meal, then ordered dessert so Lennon could linger. Before we left, Lennon dropped a little gift — a packet of Famous Amos cookies — at the counter for Emma.
The food was expensive and bad, Alexis and I agreed later on. “But it was worth it because Lennon got to finally meet Emma. He was so happy after that. Kept smiling to himself,” Alexis confided in me.
After Emma’s shift, she called Lennon. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming!” she squealed.
They talked into the night, whispering sweet nothings. Then, the big moment — they agreed to go on their first date. The night was a success.
Lennon and Emma started officially dating not long after. Alexis and I were ecstatic. We congratulated Lennon.
At this point, Lennon and Alexis had been dating for a couple of years. They live together and are still very much in love.
Since Alexis and Lennon are the only ones in my life that are forthcoming about their polyamorous relationship, I had a lot of questions for them.
“Polyamory! Isn’t that cheating?”
“No,” Alexis corrected me, “it’s only cheating if there’s no consent. And I whole-heartedly give my consent.”
Alexis was sitting next to Lennon on the sofa in my living room as she said this. We just had burgers and fries for dinner and were suffering from serious food comas.
Living in a society where monogamy is upheld as the gold standard, this sounded like infidelity to me at first.
“You consent to sharing your boyfriend with another girl?” I asked, reclining on a bean bag.
Alexis said with a shrug, “Why should I stop him from loving other people? A person can love multiple people at a time. It’s like a parent loving multiple kids.”
Well, a parent loving their child feels very different from loving a partner romantically, but go on.
“Besides, we are still very much in love. And if we are going to fall out of love with each other, it will happen whether there are other partners or not. Maybe the third partner will accelerate our ending, but she certainly wouldn’t be the cause of it.”
I thought that made sense. But I was still curious.
“How do you make your relationship work with multiple partners?”
My body still comatose on the bean bag like a Snorlax, I launched a barrage of questions.
“How does a polyamorous relationship work?” I asked.
“Communication is of utmost importance. It is extremely crucial that every individual is honest,” Lennon shared. “Alexis is my primary, and I make that very clear.”
Emma knew about Alexis from the very beginning. As soon as they started chatting via the app, Lennon told her straightforwardly that he already has a girlfriend. Once Emma was aware about the arrangement, she agreed and had no issue with it.
With one arm around Alexis, Lennon said, “It’s very important to decide ahead. What does the secondary look for in this relationship? Is it emotional support? Physical needs? It must be clearly communicated in the beginning.”
I asked, “What does being the primary mean?”
“It means that Alexis is the main priority in the relationship. We communicate very clearly on what we consent to or not,” Lennon replied, then looked fondly at Alexis, giving her hand a squeeze.
I listed four items and asked Alexis which she most valued being prioritized in: feelings, sexual relations, financial benefits, and company.
“I’m going to say feelings,” Alexis answered after a moment’s thought. “I also expect to be the one Lennon spends festive seasons with. Unless it’s not an important festival to me. Once again, open communication.”
I learnt from Lennon that this is actually a common arrangement for many polyamorous couples. Although his girlfriend consented to him dating a secondary partner, she is his “primary” girlfriend and will always be the priority.
A person might opt to become a secondary partner for any reason — a highly demanding job, frequent travel, a time-consuming hobby, other partners — anything that might make a traditional monogamous relationship difficult. For them, this arrangement is the best of both worlds.
I also reached out to Emma to pose a question to her: “What do you value most? What do you look for in a romantic relationship? Feelings, intimacy, financial security, or company?”
“I’ll say feelings and company,” Emma replied. She has big plans for her life and has no capacity for a traditional monogamous relationship, but she appreciates the company.
Presently, Lennon is her only romantic partner.
“Alexis, do you worry about being replaced as the primary?”
“No,” Alexis replied decisively. She even sniggered a little, amused that I would have this thought.
“If he wants to replace me, he can do it at any time. He doesn’t need a secondary to do that.”
“Wow, you must feel very secure to say that,” I responded.
“I mean, if I worry about being replaced, it has nothing to do with the secondary. People can cheat or leave you at any time. Nothing to do with it being a polyamorous relationship,” Alexis asserted.
“If I get replaced, that means my relationship had an issue to begin with.”
I nod in agreement. Alexis continued, “You don’t worry about D finding a new wife,” referring to my husband.
“But D doesn’t have a secondary, so there is no present threat now,” I said.
“But you know he will get a new wife if he wants to, yet you’re not worried. Like I said, if people want to replace, they’ll do it anyway, under the guise of poly or plain old cheating. So I don’t think being in a polyamorous relationship makes it more likely,” Alexis said.
“Anyway, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. I won’t go kicking and screaming, begging to be taken back,” Alexis finished.
“When your relationship became polyamorous, did it change anything?”
“Oh definitely!” Alexis and Lennon chorused. If anything, their relationship has actually improved.
“Me dating other girls actually intensifies the spotlight on how I’ve been treating Alexis. When I do something for my secondary, I examine how I’ve been to Alexis,” Lennon told me.
“For example, it took me dating other girls to discover that Alexis likes when I manja with her. Watching me manja with other girls compelled conversation on this.”
Alexis nodded in agreement. I sipped on my whiskey, while Alexis and Lennon shared a glass between them.
“What advice would you give to people seeking a polyamorous relationship?”
“This is not for everyone. It takes a high level of confidence in yourself and your partner. The secondary partner must also have confidence in you.”
“If your partner does not consent to it, of course don’t,” he continued.
Lennon explained, “Consent doesn’t mean a reluctant yes, or saying yes to gain favour. If you have to think hard and weigh the pros and cons, then it’s definitely not a yes.”
“In fact, Alexis said ‘go find another girl!’ many times before I actually believed her. ”
Alexis cracked a smile at this. “Oh ya. Lennon didn’t believe me when I said that I really don’t mind.”
“If you have no emotional strength, get jealous easily, or don’t have the stamina, don’t do it,” Lennon said simply.
“Is there anything else I should know?”
“I’m really grateful to Alexis, my sweet primary partner, for being understanding and supportive. She has always stood by my side through thick and thin. I can ask for no better.”
Over the years, I’ve seen many unhappy relationships. Couples who stay in unhappy unions for whatever reasons—bickering daily, drowning in unending dissatisfaction.
But as I studied the way Lennon and Alexis playfully bantered and cuddled on my sofa, I realized this couple before me was not one of them. The piercing electricity that zapped through the air when they looked at each other, leaving behind the scent of roses. That’s real love, folks.
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Also read: Here’s What Happened When One Malaysian Couple Experimented with Polyamory.
Here’s What Happened When One Malaysian Couple Experimented with Polyamory
This personal story was first published on July 12, 2021.
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