Malaysians don’t often talk about sex in public. It’s still a taboo subject, and something you’d only bring up with close friends you’ve known for years. That’s why I was rather surprised when my friends were willing to share their thoughts about fantasizing about someone else during sex.
Not surprisingly, almost everyone I talked to had the same answer.
Hong, in his mid-30s, is recently married. He’s the only one I talked to who was open to the idea of fantasizing during sex.
“Usually I have a ‘visual stimulation’ on during sex so I can fantasize that I’m doing the girl in the video. I don’t really have feelings for them. It just adds a bit of spice to the process. I get turned on if my wife is in costume, especially when she’s cosplaying a certain character with white hair. I get turned on by characters with white hair.”
ThunderMike has been married for six years and has a daughter. He too sometimes roleplays with his wife.
“Usually for special occasions or celebrations. We do play out each other’s kinky turn-ons, but sometimes it turns out funny instead of sexy.”
Will he tell me what characters he and his wife play?
“Pass, that’s between me and her,” is his reply. “My wife is my living fantasy. Even if I wanted to fantasize about another person during sex, the guilt would kill my mood instantly. That’s why I never do it. Roleplay and costumes are fine, but not thinking about someone else.”
I asked him if he’s okay with his wife fantasizing about someone else. “Well, I guess there’s no harm in that, as long as she does it with me and doesn’t act it out with someone else.”
Sadakon, who proposed to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day 2018 and got a ‘Yes’, shares ThunderMike’s view.
“For me personally, I’m not ok with it. If I want to fantasize I might as well masturbate. For me, sex is also about enjoying the other person’s company. I’m one of those rare guys that can have a conversation during coitus.” (Wow! that is rare!)
Would he consider fantasizing as cheating?
“Well, no. If you’re fantasizing about an unattainable partner like an actor or actress then it’s still ok. But if you’re fantasizing about your next door neighbor, I would advise you to check your current relationship. Probably, you’re not that happy.”
What about roleplaying?
“That one I’m ok with. In fact, I did play a round of ‘doctors and nurses’ with my girlfriend in a previous relationship. It turned out pretty nice and fun.”
Will he do it again?
“Well my fiancé this time is pretty serious so maybe not.”
Joey Chibi, who’s been with the same guy for the last five years, is another one who’s not comfortable with the idea of fantasizing during sex.
”I get jealous pretty easily, so I’m not ok with him fantasizing. I’ve never broached the subject with him but I believe he shares my opinion. Both of us get jealous easily. He doesn’t even like it when I get too close while taking a selfie with other guys. He doesn’t even approve of me hugging my guy friends.”
But does she classify fantasizing as cheating?
“For me, no. It’s only cheating if someone else is involved, like a real person. Some people say that if feelings are not involved it’s not cheating. That’s how some guys justify going to prostitutes or something. But for me, if you’re physically intimate with another real person, it’s cheating.”
Would your boyfriend ever confess to you if he fantasized? “I don’t think so. He knows I’ll be angry. Plus I don’t think he’ll want to hurt me. He’s pretty simple. I prefer guys like this. Sometimes he’s pretty blur and not romantic, but at least I know he’s not cunning or crafty.”
Lim, who’s in his forties, is the other person who’s alright with fantasizing during sex.
“When I was a student in Australia, I got a bit drunk one night. A couple from my Uni was at the same bar and they sorta picked me up for a threesome. So I was fantasizing while doing the girl because I didn’t really fancy her that much.”
Who was he thinking about?
“Oh, just some other person I found hot. The other time I fantasized was when I had a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship not long ago. Again, someone I didn’t really fancy. Most of my experiences haven’t been with anyone I was in a committed relationship with. I think that if you fantasized while in an emotionally committed relationship, you should maybe question the health of that relationship.”
Many Malaysians seem to be a loyal bunch
Surprisingly or unsurprisingly, most of the men and women I talked to didn’t like the idea of fantasizing. There wasn’t much difference between the responses of both genders. It would appear that perhaps some conservative values come into play. Or perhaps, we’re just very much in love with our partners.
What do you think? Do you think fantasizing about someone else during sex is cheating? Tell us your comments below!
For more stories about sex, read I Had a Series of Wild Tinder Dates. Here’s What Happened, and I’m a Local Escort in Kuala Lumpur. Here’s What We Don’t Want You to Know.
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