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In recent news, a couple got into an argument about how he was becoming more critical of how she dressed, becoming more controlling and dismissive of her feelings. It was one of many red flags in that relationship.
Red flags are patterns of negative behaviour observed over a long period of time. Some common red flags include: Manipulation/narcissism, physical and mental abuse, anger management issues, compulsive lying, and substance abuse.
Identifying your partner’s red flags is important to know if a relationship is worth pursuing further. But are there “red flags” in your partner that can be safely ignored?
Here are 4 things about your partner that may scream “red flag” at first – but once you understand your partner deeply inside and out, they might not be red flags after all:
“Red flag” #1. Being cut off from one’s family.
If your partner’s relatives are a normal, healthy, and loving family then yes, this could indeed be a red flag. But there are just as many stories of adult children leaving physically abusive, emotionally manipulative, or borderline psychotic parents.
Hilmi* fled his home when his father escalated from verbal abuse to physical violence. He had no choice but to live in his car for 3 months, and eventually he made his own way in life.
As a child, Elisha* suffered from undiagnosed ADHD until she was in her late teens, and her parents did not provide support and stopped talking to her because she was “an academic failure” and “a shame to the family.”
If you were in Hilmi or Elisha shoes, would you stay in touch? Their choices actually make sense. Before passing condemnation, understand their story, experiences and their suffering at the hands of their so-called “family”.
*Names changed for privacy.
“Red flag” #2. Having lots of “experience.”
Also known as having a “high body count” in slang terms, this refers to how many sexual partners a person has had. It implies a promiscuous or extremely active sexual lifestyle, and those who do are often quietly, but harshly judged by society at large.
But why does the number of partners matter so much to society? Surely it’s more important to judge whether a person’s sexual behaviour is safe or risky. If they take good care of their hygiene, practice safe sex, and get regularly tested, why does having a high body count matter?
If someone with such a body count wants to be with you exclusively, you’re doing something right, because they are choosing to settle down in a long term relationship instead of having more flings and fun.
Besides, dating someone with more experience should mean they’re open to sharing what they know. So both of you can have more fun together between the sheets!
“Red flag” #3. Having a mental health issue.
Depression, self-harm, ADHD, or even PTSD: These are issues that present unique relationship challenges for both sides. Society traditionally believes these are negative stereotypes that indicate underlying psychopathy.
In turn, these misconceptions lead to subtle discrimination, both socially and career-wise, as those with mental health issues are perceived as ‘unpredictable’ or ‘incapable’. This makes living with mental health disorders even harder.
In many cases, people who have such conditions have taken the initiative to get treatment and are actively trying to get better.
A buddy of mine dated a girl who was sexually abused as a child. He gave her a chance and helped her, arranging therapy sessions and counselling. After many years, her anxiety dissipated and her depression faded away.
For example, she no longer carries pepper spray to collect Foodpanda or a Shopee package. Best of all? They married in 2022 after dating for a decade.
There’s no denying a person can be irrecovably damaged by their negative experiences, but it doesn’t mean that good things can’t happen. It will take more work, time and energy, but the potential rewards are just as great.
If she has self-harm scars on her arm but has put away the razor blade, that shows incredible mental fortitude and strength. It shows she has left what caused those scars where they belong: In the past. As her partner, will you help the scars fade, or add new ones?
“Red flag” #4. Having no career ambition.
They have a good stable job, make good money, pay their bills, and have some savings. But they are not a type-A, ultra-aggressive, “Hustle Culture” personality. Is this a bad thing?
A partner who wants to build a life with you is not a person who only thinks of Life as a series of checkboxes to be ticked off that includes “get married” and “have a bunch of kids”.
Perhaps your partner’s focus is on other things in life – namely, Life itself. They don’t plan to spend their entire life just working. They have hobbies and interests they indulge in, and are interested in spending time with you as a person.
In the end, the context of a red flag matters more than the red flag itself.
Red flags are indicators that someone has had negative experiences in life that have shaped, changed or even damaged them in some way.
However, some red flags, like cutting off toxic parents and not having career ambition, might be actually people taking control and making positive changes and improvements to their lives.
To decide for yourself how red the flag really is, understand their decision and their behaviour first before judging them, because you could be cutting yourself off from someone amazing.
Nobody likes being judged purely on one or two things and not as a whole person.
Besides, isn’t someone who is purely nothing but green flags a potential red flag in and of itself? If a thing is too good to be true, oftentimes it is, right?
Do you think these are red flags?
Let us know in the comments!
Submit your story to this Google form or email us at hello@inreallife.my and you may be featured on In Real Life Malaysia!
Read also: Malaysians Share The Green Flags They Want To See In Relationships
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