Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
When Mum and Dad got divorced last year, I remember being so excited. On the day of the court hearing, my two siblings and I woke up extra early, dressed up, then took a bunch of pictures to commemorate the moment when we arrived at the courthouse.
We all knew that Mum wanted to leave Dad because she would consistently bring it up over the years. Even so, she made sure all three of us kids were okay with the idea before actually going through with the divorce.
Personally, I was just very happy for her; it felt like a celebration. I was working in KL at the time, so when I found out about the set court date, I made sure to be there. My dad wasn’t expecting me so he was surprised when he saw me. He naturally asked what I was doing back in Ipoh, to which I replied, “To celebrate la.”
It was a few months before I realized how sad the whole thing actually was. Even though I supported the divorce because my dad really was intolerable, I wished for a healthy, ‘complete’ family.
I felt bad for my dad because he had dug himself into a hole. It was just how he was as a person. His aggression and temper made it difficult to live with him.
Deep down, I honestly wished he wanted to rectify his problems. Maybe then we would all still be a family. Mum is always telling us that Dad used to be a completely different person before she got pregnant with me. He was a lot more patient and not violent. But needless to say, the divorce was still necessary.
Mum went through a difficult phase and went to the gym to get better
The divorce itself stemmed from an accumulation of many things over the years. Mum went through a lot of hardships. She had to take up extra jobs in the family business to fund my expenses when I was still in university. Not to mention living with my emotionally and physically abusive dad at the time. Thus, she was always depressed and medicated.
Everything took a toll on her in 2018, and she started drinking more than she usually would. I even remember a few times, she would break down while intoxicated and cry like a broken child, and the whole family had to take care of her. It was difficult to watch.
During this rough period, Mum started going to the gym every other day with my aunties. Thus, her visits to the gym were a part of a self-recovery plan, to get healthy and to crawl out of the hole she was in.
I like to believe that I’m the closest to mum. I know she trusts me the most and always spills extra tea. We’re like two angsty and casual friends.
So one day, mum told me she was seeing someone that she met at the gym. I was shocked, but to be honest, I was not against it. I wanted to know more, and she spilled everything.
Mum had met a guy called Adrian at the gym and they quickly became close
Adrian (not his real name) is a 23-year old boy of a different race who runs his family’s very famous dessert business in Ipoh. That business is so successful that everywhere he goes in Ipoh, people will recognize him as the “dessert boy” because he is the face of the business.
His family was made wealthy from the business. Growing up, the kids always got what they wanted, but the price of that was not having any freedom in return. He and his siblings were never allowed to work anywhere else other than in the family business. Even so, they never got so much as an allowance from it, which was fine since everything was taken care of.
Mum had met Adrian at the gym. They were friends first, before anything else. She and my aunties, being the natural extroverts they are, knew everyone in that gym. Adrian was the “muscle” there. He would train mum and my aunty from time to time despite not being a trainer; he was just their friend.
Adrian first got close to my aunty before he got way closer to mum, and even then, my aunty already had her suspicions. It could’ve been jealousy, or it could’ve just been a strong sense of disapproval.
She would always remind Mum about the age gap — Adrian is my age — warning her to not get too close to him. But we all knew that she felt that way because of his race too, despite not explicitly mentioning it. Boomers.
Even way before the divorce, Mum would often ask the three of us questions like, “How would you feel if I got a boyfriend?” Hypothetical or not, at the time, we were never really dismissive about her being with anyone else. We reminded her that she deserved to be happy.
It was only much later that we found out my brother was actually really against it. It has bothered him until today.
At the time, Dad had his suspicions because of Mum’s “new life”. It’s not surprising that Mum’s newly developed interest in the gym caught Dad’s attention. It was a completely new phase. So even the simplest thing like her going to the gym would make my Dad lose it.
Until today, I have no idea if Mum was seeing Adrian even before my parents split up.
Though Mum is fairly experienced in the marriage department, I wasn’t too certain about the dating scene. I believe Mum felt lonely after the divorce and hopped right back into a new relationship. I can’t say for sure, but maybe she wanted to be with someone who’s just not like Dad.
Adrian and Mum had to sneak around everywhere
At the beginning of their relationship, Mum used to always drive to Adrian’s house late at night, park her car on another street away from the house, sneak in with a hoodie, and leave the next morning at 5am.
While the mental image of a mature older lady doing this might make you snigger, I didn’t feel it was shameful. it was almost like she was reliving her teenage years again. She had no choice but to do that because his father was overprotective about his son.
Just imagine how his parents reacted when they found out about her.
Adrian’s parents first noticed that something was amiss when Adrian became more absent from the family business. He spent less time in the shop and seemed to be always occupied with his earphones, which was because he was talking to Mum.
So being the overprotective father that he was, Adrian’s dad went to the gym one day to look for Adrian. Mum and Adrian were out together then, so they weren’t there.
When Adrian’s dad could not find Adrian, it was the gym’s supervisor that informed Adrian’s parents that he had been seeing a woman that went to the same gym.
By this time, Mum had already been sneaking Adrian into our house many times — our grandparents’ house by the way — where we had been living for more than a year now. And when my grandmother caught them, she wasn’t that surprised. It was because Mum too had not been present in our lives at home.
She would often hide him from us and mention him as little as possible whenever she was with him. The more secretive she was, the more hateful the relationship became.
When Mum and Adrian’s relationship became obvious, my aunt eventually intervened and tried to convince mum that she had lost the plot.
“Do you think he would still want you in a few years when you’re old and he’s not even 30 yet?”
She tried to shame and criticize Adrian, but mum was not convinced.
Since that didn’t work, she tried to get me to change Mum’s mind.
The more my grandmother remained silent about Mum and Adrian, the more I saw him show up at our house.
Adrian even ran away from home once after getting into a heated argument with his parents. Guess where he ended up staying for a while? That’s right, my house.
Adrian’s dad threatened to kill Mum
One morning, I woke up to the sound of a man screaming downstairs. I was annoyed because it had disturbed my sleep. It turned out that Adrian’s parents had made their way into my grandparents’ house.
How did they find us? They tracked him to our house when someone from my area spotted the “dessert boy” and informed his father. They came to this part of town and identified our house by Mum’s car.
The intent was to get their son back home, but one thing led to another and suddenly, Mum and my grandmother got involved.
Adrian’s father got so upset he threatened to kill my mother, accusing her of pulling Adrian away from the business. That was when Adrian retaliated by shouting at the top of his lungs.
I couldn’t recall exactly what it was he said as I was only half awake at the time, but Mum told me later that Adrian defended their relationship and upset his dad a lot. His parents eventually left the house, leaving Adrian behind.
Adrian’s parents’ main concern was that my Mum was only with him for his money, as the family was very wealthy. When Adrian ran away, his parents even filed a missing person report, but Adrian, being one step ahead, informed the police beforehand that he wasn’t in any danger.
Before this incident, I thought all Adrian had was a bad relationship with his parents. But now, after seeing this display of aggression, I think the poor parent-child relationship has also led him to be impulsive, hostile, and maybe even immature. If Mum was serious about marrying Adrian, she would’ve traded Dad for a younger, yet similar version of him.
After that incident, what bothered me the most was that he had let his personal issues with his family affect my family. Even my grandmother got pulled into this mess. For him to start a whole scene in someone else’s house on a Saturday morning was revolting to me.
Mum and Dad maintained a normal relationship
That incident had happened about eight months after my parents’ divorce. Of course, after the divorce, life wasn’t all peachy either, but at least on paper my parents were no longer committed to each other.
My Dad wasn’t necessarily in this specific picture, but that didn’t mean that he was absent from our lives.
He would often assist Mum with errands like road taxes, or anything to do with the house. Basically, they remained on talking terms.
He was still our father and the whole family knew that. He takes care of us and that’s why we still see him today.
But with Adrian, it is obvious that there are more people against them than there are for them.
Despite all that, they remain together until today
I think Mum and Adrian are like two kids trying to beat all odds together. In spite of everything pulling them apart, they have decided to stick to each other.
I don’t really understand relationships, but I know enough to understand that you can’t control who you fall in love with. Everybody has a right to be with whomever they choose.
My siblings and I have grown to dislike Adrian because the relationship has affected our family. As for me, I believe he’s not a bad person. He just has a lot of bad qualities, as does everyone else.
He can be unreasonable and stubborn in his relationship with Mum. He has a temper like Dad. But most importantly, he lets his personal issues affect another family, which is mine. I probably don’t know everything about their relationship, but I know enough to say that he is not the ideal partner for Mum.
But at the same time, I must say this: As I get to know him, the more I realise that he just needs to get himself together. He and Mum must endeavour towards a healthy relationship.
Here is to Mum and Adrian figuring it out.
For more stories like this, read: A Single Mum Who Faced The Pressure Of Being a Father and Mother and I Thought I’d Be The Perfect Mother Until Motherhood Came Alone
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