Content/trigger warning: Sexual assault, sexual consent, rape. Please do not proceed if you are affected by this heavy topic. Names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals.
Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
Carmen*, 31: “He insisted on spitting into my mouth. I eventually consented but hated it.”
“I don’t want to,” I said, hesitance rippling through my voice. “It’s disgusting.”
“Just do as I say. Come here.” He wrapped his bony fingers around my wrist and violently tugged me towards him.
“Come!”
I reluctantly obliged as the momentum slammed my body into his.
“I really don’t want to,” I repeated, softer this time, almost begging.
My pleas fell on deaf ears.
As if my refusal didn’t matter, as if I had no say, as if he was entitled to my body.
He gripped my head with both hands, keeping it firmly in place. I squirmed in his grasp, but he did not budge.
The fight in me gradually wore out. My agency lost to my desire to please my boyfriend.
“Okay,” I told him softly. I consented.
A confident grin flashed across his face. I’m the man, you’re the woman, so know your place, the grin seemed to say.
He pressed his lips onto mine and I braced myself. Slowly, he parted my lips with his.
Then, I closed my eyes, cringed, and waited. And it happened.
A wad of saliva plopped into my mouth.
He spat into my mouth.
“Swallow,” he ordered.
I did swallow.
I hated it. But I did consent.
Nisha*, 27: “He advanced onto me. I didn’t stop him. It felt like rape, but it was not rape.”
“It was rape,” Nisha* said. “He raped me.”
“But you drove to his house,” her friend replied. “You dressed provocatively. Then you voluntarily got into his bed. So how is that rape?”
“But I wasn’t ready for sex with him,” Nisha responded. Tears started pooling behind her eyelids. She’d never felt this way before. Like her personal space had been severely violated; like her being had been severely violated.
“Then why did you go to his house?” Her friend did not get it.
“I would’ve eventually wanted to have sex with him, but not yet!” Nisha was frustrated.
“But then you did have sex with him. You didn’t stop him.” Her friend, coincidentally male, had never found himself in a situation like this before.
“He just advanced onto me, then ignored all my non-verbal cues!” she practically screamed.
“But they were non-verbal. You didn’t say no. You gave consent.” My well-meaning friend was truly puzzled.
“It felt like rape.”
“But it wasn’t.”
“But it felt like rape.”
Sarah*: “He violated my conditional sexual consent by not telling me his STI status.”
Sarah and Jax were in an open relationship. At some point, they had sex with each other, and later, each person had sex with other people.
After a while, Sarah discovered she had contracted an STI.
She confronted Jax about it, but he denied that he was the one who gave it to her.
“He refused to share the results of his STI test with me. Instead, he told other people that he was negative, and that I had multiple partners, slut shaming me!”
In refusing to disclose his STI test results with Sarah, Jax failed to inform her about his sexual health.
Sarah only chose to have unprotected sex with Jax because she trusted him when he said he was ‘clean’. They had an agreement to be transparent about their sex lives. It was a condition to the consent she offered him.
“By refusing to disclose his STI results to me, he has failed to be transparent,” Sarah said, hurt and outraged.
In 2017, a Swiss court in Lausanne convicted a man for rape for removing a condom during sex against the expectations of the woman he was having sex with. Similarly, Sarah feels that failing to uphold the conditions of consensual sex should be criminalised.
“Jax must accept accountability for his actions towards me.”
In each of the above scenarios, the woman came out feeling violated
But in the eyes of the law, they were not sexually assaulted (rape), because they had given their consent.
According to Women’s Aid Organization (WAO), rape is defined by Malaysian Law as “sexual intercourse with a woman without her consent or against her will”.
WAO: “Sexual assault is any sexual contact without consent. Malaysian law doesn’t explicitly define sexual assault; however, the law criminalizes various forms of sexual assaut. This includes ‘outrage of modesty’ (molestation), penetration of the anus or vagina with an object without the person’s consent, among others.”
Technically, none of these women were raped. They gave their consent, so the men did not commit a crime, right?
But then, why did the women come out feeling violated?
This is troubling, and it points to something: we need to talk about sex (and sex acts) that is violating even if it is not clearly criminal.
Picture credit: Dainis Graveris @ Unsplash
When it comes to sex, we need to reconsider what we have normalised
WAO has a useful guideline that states “Consent is the presence of a YES, not the absence of a NO”.
In an ambiguous situation, men might say: “She didn’t say no, therefore…she said yes! Play ball!” That is flawed logic.
Here’s a suggestion: When in doubt, don’t do it. To be safe, ask. And if she doesn’t give a clear answer, assume that no answer (or a vague answer) means a no.
Unfortunately, it gets even more complicated. Sometimes, consent is not as straightforward as a person saying “yes”.
We are human beings that communicate with verbal and non-verbal cues all the time. Throw in local dating culture and the lessons we were taught since young, and consent turns into a big, grey, messy space.
I understand that no good man sets out to intentionally make their partner uncomfortable, or feel violated during sex. But this can still happen when cues are missed, or the language is poor.
If I may, we all need to listen better. We should especially listen to women when they say they feel violated.
1. Why it matters when a woman (or man) feels violated.
Imagine you just scored yourself a sweet new ride. The shiny red paint glint, the curvy bonnet, the smooth, velvet leather seats—she is an extension of your soul.
With each vroom, you feel your heartbeat quicken.
Each waft of your new car scent sends a fresh cloud of endorphins to your head.
You love this car. It’s yours. You own it.
The ink on the car grant is still wet when I approach you and say, “Hey, may I borrow your car?”
“O-okay,” you reply. Sure, you love the car. But you don’t mind your friends taking her for a spin once in a while.
Grinning with glee, I grab the keys and plop myself into the driver’s seat, accidentally elbowing the screen on the center console in the process.
“Whoaa, careful!” you caution.
Clearly in the moment, I turn on the engine, pull out of the parking lot, then floor the accelerator.
Your car’s pickup is impressive, and I appreciate it. There is a speed bump ahead, but I do not care.
I fly over the bump with no regard for the brake at all. Your car leaps a few centimeters off the ground, then lands with enough g-force to cause an earthquake.
“Hey!!!!” you yell. Of course you’re pissed.
I know, I’m an asshole.
I violated your car, so of course you have a right to be upset. You’re not “too sensitive”, “too emotional” or “perasan”. Your feelings are valid.
The car is yours, therefore it matters that I’m not treating her with the respect she deserves.
Likewise, a woman’s (or man’s) body is her own. How she feels about the treatment of her body matters.
2. When a woman (or man) says no, assume it means no
A lot of men think that, “If she says no, I just need to keep asking until she realizes she meant yes.”
You might think you’re the persistent, brave lover, but 9/10 times, you’re really coming across as a harassing creep who won’t take no for an answer.
Let’s say when I ask, “May I borrow your car,” you don’t feel like parting with her just yet.
So you say “no”. That’s your right. I can’t fault you for being ‘selfish’ or ‘rude’. Because you are entitled to saying no.
When you say “no,” you literally mean no, right?
Do you actually mean “yes” but decide to say “no” for the fun of it?
Do you actually think “yes” but have not realized it yet?
Even if you say “no” with a bright smile, one arm around me, while calling me “sweetheart,” you still do literally mean NO.
Similarly, when a girl (or guy) says no, she means no. Even if the “no” is paired with a shy giggle, flushed cheeks and batting eyelids, it still literally means no.
Picture credit: Isaiah Rustad @ Unsplash
3. We must rethink the language of consent
Both men and women say “no” with non-verbal and indirect ways, especially us non-confrontational Malaysians.
For example:
Person A: May I borrow your car?
Person B (who does not feel like lending his car): Er, order a Grab car lah? My car is dirty leh.
Or,
Person A: May I borrow your car?
Person B (who is iffy about letting other people borrow his car): *Purse lips and remain silent*
In both these scenarios, Person B is saying “no” in indirect ways.
That’s just how our culture has taught us to behave.
Should a girl scream an astounding “NO!” the moment she feels even the slightest bit violated? Ideally, yes, but life is not black and white like that.
Accommodating, “give face”, protecting his ego… there are a myriad of reasons why a woman might not blatantly put her foot down with a man.
She should. And I wish more girls would. But the odds are against women when saying “no”.
Mic compiled a list of 14 women who were brutally attacked by men they turned down, including murdered. And these are just cases within a 1-year period that were reported in the United States.
Many more of these cases go unreported, including in Malaysia.
Of course, it’s not just the actual attack that keeps women from saying no. There’s also physical intimidation.
Hence, it would be helpful to get rid of “did she/he/they say no?” to determine if there was consent.
4. We must teach women about pleasure
Furthermore, our culture demonizes female sexuality. From teenagehood, girls are taught to guard their bodies from the bad boys that want them for nothing more than sex.
This leads to generations of adult women having complicated relationships with their bodies. Many women do not understand pleasure; what pleasures them, what they want in bed, what they expect from a sex partner, how an orgasm feels like…
You should not consent to anything that you do not find sexually arousing for yourself.
More importantly, you must know what does not bring you pleasure, so that you know what to say “no” to.
Without understanding what she doesn’t like, how is a girl to understand consent?
Therefore, we need to destigmatise the taboo of women talking about sex. Get rid of the idea that women talking about sexual pleasure openly is “gross” or “unladylike” or “slutty”.
Picture credit: Charles Deluvio @ Unsplash
5. Sex requires both parties to be open and honest about their status
In my opinion, conditional consent is fair.
If you lend me your car with the conditional consent that I take good care of her, and I were to drive her back without a bumper, it is completely fair if you demand that I am held accountable.
Similarly, when a person agrees to sex with conditional consent, it is reasonable for her to expect the terms of consent be kept.
And if her partner fails to do this, it is justified for her to feel violated. It is fair for her to demand accountability.
Conclusion
Cultivating healthy sexual relationships within the dating culture is a team effort.
It takes renegotiating the narrative we’ve weaved for ourselves. We’re going to have to get more comfortable saying and hearing “no”.
We need a better understanding of consent. We need to acknowledge that consent is not purely verbal.
Girls must be taught pleasure. Because without understanding pleasure, she wouldn’t know what to consent to.
Most importantly, normalizing sex that is violating but not criminal is not the solution.
For more stories like this, read: My Boss Touched Me Inappropriately And Tried To Kiss Me Even After I Said No and I’m Constantly Harassed And Told I’m Exposing Myself On Tiktok, Here’s The True Story.
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