Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
I’m in my mid-thirties. Do you know how often I hear “eh girl ah, when you getting married la?” I wish I got paid every time some well-meaning person asked me that.
I don’t want to get married. This shocks people, for some reason. As if women had a checklist: get married by 30, or else face becoming a social pariah that aunties will point to as a failure, despite any other accomplishments you might have.
Here are the reasons why I refuse to get married:
1. Marriage doesn’t make sense to me
Excuse me, but why are we rushing people who have just come into adulthood into a lifetime partnership?
I mean… partnership with one person for the rest of your life sounds like you’re setting people up to fail. And you’re supposed to do this in your twenties? I hear so many people say that marriage is hard. There’s a lot of sacrifice involved, apparently, and that’s how you show your love. I don’t think love is supposed to be difficult, but marriage makes it seem so.
2. Marriage should NOT be a step to “complete” your life
You won’t believe how often I’m shamed for not being married yet. Like I’m somehow less of a woman because I choose not to get married.
Even in Malaysia, most women (especially for those from very traditional backgrounds) are pressured to get married by 25. Some parents even have the view that the earlier they can get their daughter married off, the better!
Somehow, people have this view that it doesn’t matter what you’ve achieved in your life – none of those count if you’re not married. That I made the decision to not get married is viewed like I can’t find myself a man, even though that’s not even part of the issue.
3. The wedding and marriage industry is a SCAM
From wedding dresses that can cost thousands of Ringgit, to the cost of holding a wedding… I hear of people taking out loans just so they can afford their dream wedding. And that’s just for the wedding ceremony!
I’d rather that money go into something that brings practical benefits, like a house.
4. Marriage can be messy if it falls apart
Divorce is seen too negatively. Many women stay in abusive marriages because divorce is seen as something shameful.
The ability to walk away from a marriage that no longer brings happiness is such a good thing, not only for the couple but also for any children they might have. It teaches boundaries: that it’s okay to say “I tried and it didn’t work out”. It sucks that divorce is so stigmatised.
But then again, the process of getting a divorce is incredibly messy. There are very few marriages that break apart amicably. Beside that, there’s the matter of untangling any joint finances or loans and the additional cost of lawyer fees.
5. You’re not just marrying the person, but their entire family
I already have my own annoying family (though they do mean well, but you know how it gets) to deal with, I don’t need an additional family on top of everything!
My married friends talk about their toxic in-laws and how much they’re obligated to accept sh*tty behaviour from their spouse’s family. Of course not all in-laws are like that, but too many are. Don’t even get me started on daughters-in-law and how they’re often treated by their mother-in-law.
There’s no guarantee that every single person in your partner’s family will be nice to you either. This gets worse when you factor in things like your partner being of a different (and disapproved of) race or mixed-faith marriages.
Getting married means every person in both families wants to have their say on your relationship.
6. Creates a legal obligation to be with a person
It’s so weird to me how possessive marriages are. That whole two people belonging to each other thing creeps me out. It’s like how we’re told when we’re young that “jealousy means he cares” but we’re not taught that jealousy is a toxic emotion that destroys relationships.
I think growing apart can be a very natural part of life, but that marriage creates this obligation to force your partner to grow with you. And what if they don’t? Do you have to drag them every step of the way so that you both can remain in the marriage?
No, thank you. That sounds like a child, not a partner.
I recognise that not all marriages are toxic and I’m happy for my married friends, but I just don’t agree with marriage as an institution.
I think that women especially lose too much by going into one: their friends, their pre-marriage life, sometimes their career, and, most frightening of all, they can lose themselves.
Men also face some issues with marriage. Like custody battles, for example. They’re often skewed towards mothers.
At the end of the day, I can deal with the judgemental aunties in my family. I don’t need my partner’s aunties to judge me as well.
For more stories like this, read: I Am In A Polyamorous Relationship With My Boyfriend. Here’s How We Make It Work, Are You A Malaysian Couple Thinking of Getting Married? Do These 10 Things First, and Why It’s Better to Get Married in Your 30s Despite What Your Malay Family Says.
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