Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
I’m a 23 year old musician whose primary instrument is my vocals, although I also play the piano and drums. I was interested in music from a young age as my culture is a very musical one: we often joke that each Serani family has at least one band amongst their family members.
But my struggle with anxiety has been a lifelong one. I knew it was bad, but I don’t think I realised how bad it really was until I received treatment for it.
This was how bad it could get:
1. Constant worry about what other people thought of my creative expression
As a vocalist, you can’t avoid performing. I know, I tried to. But in a degree course that focuses on music, I am forced to perform periodically – whether for my own projects or as a vocalist on the projects of other musicians. I dreaded performance nights, especially when it came time for feedback.
The funny thing is, I usually do well. But that didn’t stop the anxiety from roaring up every single time I had to present something or step onstage.
2. Awareness of how irrational the anxiety was – yet unable to do anything about it
Things went well this time, so maybe the anxiety will give me a break next time, right? HA, I wish.
As a performer, there are so many things that can and will go wrong. All you can do is shake it off and go with the flow. But my anxiety weaponised this against me: every time something went wrong, it would tell me that it was my fault. It didn’t matter what went wrong or whose fault it actually was.
In my head, everything that went wrong was because of me.
I tried preparing myself, I’ve tried rationalising why my anxiety is wrong – none of that worked. All I could do was stand backstage, hoping I didn’t start hyperventilating too hard before I had to go on.
3. Physical manifestations of my anxiety
My anxiety was a monstrous beast that took over my life. It tainted every decision I made, moulding me into its possession. Nothing I could do was ever enough.
It got so bad that it would drive me to nausea on the biggest moments of my career. I was selected for a jazz showcase once and had the opportunity to represent my music school. My anxiety spun my head round and round, driving me to throw up before my performance.
And worst of all?
I actually threw up during my performance as well. I was 3 words into the song when I felt vomit rise up my throat. I quickly turned back, away from the audience, and swallowed my puke.
I did really well that night, enough to be invited back the next year. But my anxiety didn’t care about that: it wanted to consume the best moments of my life so I could never enjoy them.
Finally, I decided to seek help
I went to a psychiatrist that was recommended to me. He was better than I thought he’d be. I’d been to many psychiatrists before, but Dr. Farhad was different. He listened to me patiently and he had so much empathy for my struggles.
I’d originally gone to him for treatment for my ADHD, but he gently told me that he wanted to work on my depression and anxiety first. At first, I was unhappy with his decision, but it turned out that he really knew what he was talking about.
He got me on a course of medication which included a mood stabiliser, an antidepressant and something for my anxiety.
Before I knew it, I had become a completely different person. My anxiety had made me irritable and antisocial, but on my medication I became more assertive, yet I retained a sense of compassion. My mental health improved by leaps and bounds, and I began to develop positive traits that I admired in myself.
I began unfolding like a blossoming flower. I discovered that I actually enjoyed the company of others and that I cared deeply about people. I started to make friends with myself, finding parts of myself that I never knew existed and that I had neglected.
For the first time in my life, I fell in love with the person I am.
People have this misconception that medication for mental health turns you into someone you’re not. The reality is that it shows you the person that you’re meant to be.
If I have to stay on medication for the rest of my life to manage my mental health, so be it. Anything is better than going back to the way things used to be.
For more stories like this, read: I’m A Malaysian Woman Whose Family Abandoned Me Because Of The Voices In My Head, I’m A Malaysian Woman Living With Autism – Here’s My Story, and Malaysian Psycho(sis) – I Hear Things That Aren’t There, Here’s What It’s Like.
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