Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
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When I was 9, I was excited when I got my first iPod. I wanted to download the games my older sisters were playing, so I was pretty ecstatic that Christmas.
I didn’t like talking much in real life, but I found out I was pretty chatty when it came to speaking online. I’m a better texter than I am a talker.
I grew up on online games. Before afternoon school started, I was on a game called Runescape, talking to strangers online.
I wish I’d listened when my mother told me not to talk to strangers.
How Growing up on the Internet affected me
I didn’t know what grooming meant.
When I was 11, I was talking to older men on the internet. I would’ve questioned why they were talking to an 11 year old, but I never had the mental capacity to even think about it.
I just wanted to be their friend. Some of them would throw a tantrum if I didn’t send them nudes, and I didn’t know it was manipulation. How could a child know that they were being manipulated?
There was an incident when I was 13, where a woman who had a child flirted with me and then became suicidal when I told her I was too young to date.
I remember Bonny out of them all. A 30 year old man when I was 13, less than half his age, telling me what love was when really, he was just a pedophile.
It took me years of therapy to understand how grooming impacted me. I didn’t have a positive relationship with sex for the longest time, almost developing a phobia at the thought of it. I still think the Internet is a scary place.
Growing up on the Internet made me lose who I was
I was already an introvert before I was online. I feel like I screwed myself over when I found a whole new digital world in my palms.
There were days when I couldn’t even go to school. I’d just fake an illness and stay home just to play games all night.
My addiction to online gaming got worse when I got an iPhone that was unknowingly linked to my sister’s card.
So, I spent my sister’s money (which I spent months paying her back).
Mornings were especially hard because I’d still be awake from chatting with my online friends. Sleeping is now a problem I still have today.
I actually lived in my own bubble, being too engrossed with my life online. I hated my mother at some point, for criticising me about it.
But she was right.
I met some screwed up people Growing up on the Internet
I was the chattiest person online. I had so many friends, but so little in real life. One could say that I was, in fact, a loser.
There was a guy who owned a gun. Every pic he sent on the group chat (which had a massive amount of people) was with him holding it up, while wearing a ski mask.
There were the multiple men who sexualised me in group chats when I barely even had b**bs yet.
There was also a Timothy who threatened to find me and stalk me if I didn’t send him n*des. At some point when I stopped talking to him, my pictures would then be spread around like a wildfire.
Then there were the darker ones, the people who were mentally unwell. I remember Tommy, who slit his wrists because I didn’t want to be committed to him at 15.
In real life, and when I was much older, it made me stay in toxic relationships because of the fear of them hurting themselves. I ended up staying in an abusive relationship because I never understood I was being manipulated.
I only gathered that I was getting into a toxic cycle over and over again once I managed to get myself out of it.
And that itself took years.
The Impact of Growing up on the Internet on my Real-Life connections
I lost my friends in real life. I don’t blame them. After years of neglecting them for people in my computer screen, I would have left myself too.
It was hard to navigate reality without any peers, or a recognisable face. By the time I entered college, I was an anti-social introvert who didn’t want anything to do with other people.
It made group projects hard, because everyone had their own cliques and friend groups. At 18, I genuinely didn’t know where life was going because I had spent so much of it online.
It felt like I had missed out on the innocence of my childhood and teen years.
There were times when I lied to real people about my experiences just to be able to “fit in” but in reality, I never lived those experiences. I only did so in my dreams.
I was always anxious around people, and it didn’t help that I was awkward. I frequently missed out on social cues, and couldn’t read the room when it was necessary. It made everything hell for everyone.
But finally, I went to therapy.
How Therapy helped with my Trauma from Growing up on the Internet
Therapy was hard.
At first, I didn’t know I had anything to say. I remember spending an hour in the room just staring at the wall because I didn’t understand why I was paying a stranger to listen to me.
I would go through multiple therapists before I found one I actually liked. And it was hard for me to like someone.
She was kind, and ultimately, empathetic. She taught me to be empathetic to myself. She made me realise that I went through some messed up things that tainted me. It was hard going through it again, this time with a clearer vision on what really happened.
But I started to trust again, and that gave way to establishing healthy relationships with people. I actually have a support system who loves me for who I am, and they remind me why every day.
On my good days, I believe them.
On the bad ones, I try.
Don’t Forget To Help Your Friends In The Same Situation
Growing up on the internet was a battleground.
Since I was a child, I was groomed to think that my worth was solely tied to my body. And I can blame all the pedophiles, stalkers and master manipulators that lurk in the digital world.
It really makes you think: Why do people prey on children?
Children don’t know any better. They’re still learning, still growing, finding their way through a world that’s often overwhelming.
Some adults love exploiting children. And once they do, it’s a sort of darkness that stains your soul.
But let me be clear – I’m still here. I’m navigating my way through the real world with a clearer lens. I’m in the process of reconstructing the way I think, and especially with how I view myself.
My self-respect? That’s sacred ground never to be bargained away again.
Trust is now a precious commodity, but I know I am safe holding the hands of the people I love.
The best part is that I’m starting to love myself for who I am and not what people tell me to be. I take baby steps, and sometimes it feels like I’m crawling.
But yet, with the trauma, anxiety, and all the messed up experiences I had on the Internet, I think I’m at that point where it’s safe to say I’m okay.
Did you grow up on the internet?
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