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It is said that children are a blessing from God, but for some parents, after their adult children have grown up and moved out, this becomes a difficult topic to talk about. Ai Ting*, 61, a retiree living in Kota Damansara, shares with In Real Life her personal experience of feeling disappointed and hurt after her grown-up son became absent from her life.
When my son was only 15 months old, their father left, and I was left to raise my two children as a single mum living in a low cost housing in Cheras.
Since then, my ex-husband saw them regularly for a few years, but he stopped visiting after my son turned 5. Although I was angry, I put my feelings aside and never spoke badly about him to my children, so that they could still have a good relationship with their dad.
Being a single mother was the toughest challenge I faced. In all my life, I never thought I’d become a single mother, but there I was. After the shock of the divorce, I had no time to cry, I had to pick myself up and carry on, because I had two young mouths to feed.
Although it was the 90’s, money was tight, and we were living paycheck-to-paycheck each month. I took on a second part-time sales job in addition to my full-time job as a hairstylist. I won’t sugarcoat it, it was really tough without someone to help me with the kids day-to-day.
Since I didn’t have time, I didn’t date often, and usually if I met someone new, I never brought them back to meet my children.
Despite the challenges, I wanted to give my kids a sense of stability that they didn’t have because their father wasn’t around. I had fun with my children. I’d take them on weekend trips to Port Dickson or Zoo Negara, and I would invite their friends over for sleepovers.
I supported my children financially to get them on their feet. I gave them as much encouragement and support that I could. I wasn’t a perfect mother, but I thought I gave them the best life they could have had in our circumstances.
After my children moved out, I felt abandoned.
Now, my children have grown up and moved out. My daughter is 37 and working as a lawyer, and my son is 35, married, and working as an investment banker.
I’m proud of my children, and I’m thankful that they help me financially with my day-to-day expenses. However, as hard as it is to admit, I am also hurt by how absent my son is from my life now that he’s married.
It feels shameful to say this, but my son doesn’t call unless I call first, he only visits every Chinese New Year, and he doesn’t include me in his life. I devoted everything to my children and ensured they wanted for nothing. Is it so hard for my son to call me once a while, even if it’s just to check if I’m alive?
I think about how much I sacrificed for him, and wonder, “Was it worth it?” I feel like I poured my life into him, but now he doesn’t seem to care much about me.
He’s in a relationship, has a good job, and seems happy with his life the few times I get to see him. I had thought that by now, I’d be able to rely on him more, or at least enjoy his company as an adult. He lives just an hour’s drive away in Cyberjaya, but it feels like he might as well be in Australia.
He reconnected with his dad, but he neglected me.
Recently, I found out from my daughter that he’s reconnected with his dad and sees him now and then. I spent years ensuring my son didn’t think badly of his dad, but now it feels like that’s come back to haunt me.
His dad did almost nothing for him after the age of 5, yet he gets to stay in the picture? I would never say this to my son, but it’s a tough pill to swallow.
My daughter is good to me and has been around. When I had emergency surgery for a throat infection recently, she brought me home, took care of the house, and fed my two cats. She helped with my recovery and isn’t interested in her dad after all these years.
Meanwhile, my son only came to see me once in the hospital, then sent a few Whatsapp texts asking if I was okay. A few months after while I was recuperating at home, he would only text sporadically, he wouldn’t even call.
When I send him a WhatsApp, it sits unread for days. Last month, it was my birthday and I didn’t receive a text from him.
It feels like I’ve done something wrong. My daughter says I haven’t, but she doesn’t understand his absence either, as they’re not very close now.
I’m disappointed in my years of sacrifice.
I feel guilty saying this, but I’m disappointed in the outcome of my 25 years of hard work and sacrifice raising my son. I thought I’d have a good bond with him once the kids grew up.
I last saw him at Chinese New Year with his wife, and we had a nice time, full of warmth and hope, but since then it’s been radio silence. I’ve tried giving him space, giving him hints, and at one point outright telling him I’d love to see him more.
I’ve tried all approaches I can think of, but I feel more upset and angry when he doesn’t respond.
Many people have it much harder than I did, so I’m not trying to turn this into a sob story. In the meantime, I have to get on with life, focus on my daughter, see my friends, and try to enjoy my golden years. When friends talk about their sons visiting, I feel physically pained. I’ve tried to give my son space and understand that he’s living his life, but weeks go by without any contact.
Despite everything, I would never go back on having my son. I love him deeply and would do anything for him, but I sometimes wonder, what was it all for?
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Also read:
What I Wish I Knew Before I Cheated On My Wife With A 25 Year Old
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