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This story was submitted by an In Real Life Malaysia reader who wishes to remain anonymous.
I’d never been lucky in love throughout most of my life.
I’ve been on both ends: Being spurned, and turning down guys who had puppy love or just needed someone to ride out their psychological trauma with them.
That was when I found Tariq* (not his real name) at a social gathering for disabled persons.
Since I already belong to a marginalised group, it was a healthy, wholesome way for us both to meet new people beyond the superficial, picky world of dating apps.
We were soulmates from the start of our friendship.
Tariq was a broad-minded person due to his international education, his bibliophilic habit and love for travel.
We clicked almost immediately upon first sight.
During a heated discussion of pop culture, fantasy shows and our jobs, we pretty much shut out everyone else during that gathering. It helped that we had many of the same interests.
If I ever piped up in our disabled support group chat, Tariq would have his two cents almost always immediately after me.
It got to the point that we moved our chats to DMs to continue our discussion of the day’s topic in private.
That’s where our chats turned to deeper topics, such as struggles with our disabilities, family and life’s ambitions.
Soon, we were talking almost daily.
Tariq was vulnerable with feelings, which is another trait I look for in guys.
His mom was recovering from cancer, but still had a few health scares which required hospitalisation.
He was also anxious about starting a promising new job after a turbulent 2022. Furthermore, Tariq was also seeking therapy for depression.
Basically, we were each other’s support system when either of us was feeling blue.
So what made me think he was The One? I’d never met another man like Tariq who could hold such a stimulating and intellectual conversation, which is a key criteria for my better half.
He didn’t need to be charismatic; just honest and authentic with me, which he was.
We bonded over our mutual love of Tim Burton.
“We can go together if you don’t have a buddy for expos,” he’d said. Tariq and I truly enjoyed ourselves at ‘The World of Tim Burton’ exhibition in Pavilion Bukit Jalil.
Together, we ooh’d and aah’d over the original stop-motion models of characters from animated classics such as ‘Corpse Bride’ and ‘The Nightmare before Christmas’.
We also pondered over plenty of unreleased works or drafts of concept art which would never be revealed online. It was a perfect date.
On our second date, we went for carbonara and ice cream. I always believed in both partners paying their equal share for meals.
However, Tariq always insisted on buying me lunch. To get even, I’d playfully fight with him to pay for dessert.
He confessed his feelings for me.
One day, I asked him point blank: “You like me more than friends, don’t you?”
After a pause, he replied: ”Damn, I was too obvious, wasn’t I?”
I had sensed Tariq’s affection for me in the most telling of signs: The certain types of emojis he would use when asking about my day, inquiring about my relationship status, his constant affirmations asking if I was alright or overstepping boundaries, the goodnight wishes…and of course, his continuous invites to hang out once more.
He rejoiced when I admitted to feeling the same way for him. He suggested a ‘trial period’ of a few more dates before going official.
Then I asked him about what we would do regarding our religious differences. I don’t know why, but it kept eating away at me that we would have to date in secret.
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” Tariq had said.
What came next would be the consequences of my own actions.
I came clean to my family about my boyfriend’s race.
I thought it would be common courtesy to at least let Mum know about Tariq, since that’s what most children would do. I casually introduced him as a friend I’d met at the support group.
I drip-fed her the basic information, such as his respectable job and his age. The one thing she wanted to know most, was of course, his race and religion.
The minute I mentioned that Tariq was Malay, her face grew clouded with judgement.
It was just as well I didn’t mention that we’d both already expressed mutual feelings for each other; she would go absolutely ballistic.
Mum wasn’t eager to discuss the issue further. She merely told me to concentrate on my work, not to meet him one-on-one and to stop responding to his texts.
“Probably no one talks to him and he likes the attention you give him,” she said.
Here’s the problem; he indeed doesn’t have a wide circle of friends.
I wasn’t about to take Mum’s ‘advice’ to ghost him. This was what Tariq’s close friend did to him after a simple follow-up message asking how he was doing.
Frankly, ghosting also is an immature, cowardly thing to do.
My mum was opposed to it because we were of different faiths.
In hindsight, Mum grew up in a monoethnic community and never really made multiracial friends. Hence why she was closed off to the idea of interracial/religious dating.
But just because there is an explanation for biases or the like doesn’t excuse them.
Her other hesitation against breaking cultural norms of her era was due to her strong Christian beliefs.
The religion was passed down to at least 4 generations of my large family and thus, staunchly upheld.
I was well aware of a popular Bible verse that is often invoked to discourage interreligious relations: “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.”
In addition, my dad is a prominent church elder. Imagine if word got out that his daughter was seeing a Muslim! Members would talk and thus, heads would surely roll if they knew.
And as for Dad, he would take Mum’s side in everything, anyway.
So, in toeing the line, trying to maintain good relations with those closest to me and keeping my faith, I decided to contain the fire between Tariq and I while it was still a spark.
In other words, I wanted to cut our losses before we got too heavily invested in a romantic relationship.
I ended things with him before it got too serious
When I inevitably dropped the bomb, I began with, “As much as I like you to think of me, you’ll have to come back to earth about that.”
I spilled the tea about my familial pressures and pleaded with Tariq to end things before we got in too deep. The more invested we got, the harder it’ll hurt when we had to break it off, I rationalized.
It would have been fair for him to get angry and feel hurt to be on the receiving end of rejection.
But Tariq seemed to take it maturely when I broke the news about Mum’s disapproval.
“Relationships are a two-way street, it just cannot be helped if there is so much opposition to ours,” he had said in resignation.
He respected my decision, while reaffirming his feelings for me.
I felt it best to give each other some space to recover from this incident. Talking again too soon would only reignite this forbidden love we had.
However, I offered him an olive branch of staying platonic and still being open to talk during our next OKU gathering – whenever that is.
I’m still grieving about a love match I could never have
Despite claiming to be fine, I wonder if Tariq really is till today. Fortunately, he doesn’t have social media, so we didn’t have the conundrum of unfollowing/unfriending each others’ profiles.
You’d be right to blame me for being spineless, leading him on, or for not fighting harder to keep the relationship.
Well, it’s easy to say when I’m not completely independent due to my disability, and the financial and health issues that come with it.
Hence, I cannot just antagonise my family either by going behind their backs on matters like potential life partners.
I don’t know if this is God’s test, giving me a soulmate I’m not allowed to have.
It already gives me heartache to write this as much as relieving the brief 4 months of memories together.
After all that’s happened, now I know why most people say whoever they date isn’t their parents’ business nowadays.
For more stories like this, read:
“Yer, Why You Date Someone So Dark Skin?” – Taboo or Racism?
Do you have an interesting story? Email us at hello@inreallife.my
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