Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
There has always been a taboo prevalent among Malaysians regarding Muslims associated with alcohol. In recent weeks, a video went viral on Tiktok, showing a young Muslim woman saying she was having a mental breakdown while drinking a can of Somersby’s apple cider in her car.
The caption of the video describes her actions as: “She seems very stressed out. Let’s pray for her healing, even if her method of coping is still wrong. Next time, please don’t drink and drive.”
Netizens immediately condemned her for her actions, as drinking alcohol is haram in Islam. Many commented that she would go to hell for drinking alcohol, and to repent immediately and ask Allah for forgiveness.
We interviewed a local Muslim who chose to remain anonymous and how they ended up with an addiction to alcohol while still going to the mosque every Friday. This is his story, written from his own perspective:
I’m Muslim And Was Raised By Devout Allah-Fearing Parents.
I grew up in an English-speaking Islamic family, with both my parents being very religious. They’re basically everything you’d expect from people who accept Islam as a whole.
Growing up with my older brother, we were raised to acknowledge the basic principles of the religion and to understand the importance of our contribution towards it. With that being said, our parents never really reprimanded us if we, for example, missed a prayer.
It was essentially something my parents just trusted me and my brother wholeheartedly to do.
I didn’t have faith, but I pretended to believe in Islam because I loved my family.
For me, my internal conflict arose as I slowly started to take advantage of that trust. My parents always believed that me and my brother would carry out our religious obligation because it is what they have taught us.
I spent my first 5 years of primary school going to an Islamic school. I went every day after I was done with my classes. School would end at noon, I would have a two-hour break, and then it’s off to religious classes from 2 pm to 5 pm.
They were like tuition classes, except there were exams we had to take, and I’d always place last. I eventually graduated, despite always feeling disconnected.
The minute I stepped into the school every day, I dreaded those classes, and I never took an interest in whatever they taught. What I basically learnt from those 5 years were nothing more than how to read Jawi and recite basic verses of prayers.
But to serve as a counterweight, since primary school, I’ve had a variety of friends that came from many different backgrounds who all believed in a major religion.
Being exposed to different cultures and religions really contributed to my understanding outside the bubble that my family had shaped for me. If I had lived in a more rural part of the country, I don’t think I would be sharing my experience here.
As we grew a little older, transitioning into secondary school, we started to question the possibility of the existence of God. It was a defining moment in my developmental years.
I started drinking alcohol so I could spend quality time with my close friend group.
My understanding of prohibitions at the time stemmed from religion. I didn’t understand why we weren’t allowed to drink alcohol or consume certain foods, like pork. I only had one life to live, was I going to let it go to waste by not trying as many experiences as I could?
One day, I decided to let that go and slowly started to identify myself as a non-believer in religion. Because of that, I also began to allow myself to try as many things as I can.
Drinking alcohol was one of the first things that got the ball rolling. From seeing how it was depicted in mainstream media, I understood that it serves the purpose of socializing and spending quality time with friends.
To me, that was the most important thing – being able to goof off with my friends, because life is short. So naturally, when my friends started drinking, I did too. It wasn’t out of peer pressure, but because I genuinely wanted to.
As the ball kept rolling, I also started to wonder why pork should be excluded in my diet. Especially having a big love for food, I didn’t like the idea of being restricted from a certain food just because it wasn’t halal.
I was able to give it a try when I was at a friend’s birthday party at their house. Over the years of trying it and tasting it, it eventually became like any other meat.
At this point in my life, I feel like someone putting on a wig and suit whenever I come home to my family every day.
After many years of drinking alcohol and eating pork, I realise I am living a double life.
Since I still lived with my family, my main challenges went from waking up at 5:30 in the morning for Subuh prayers, to sneaking food into my room during fasting month. If they caught me eating, they would be so disappointed in me, and I want to avoid that confrontation as much as possible.
Simple Islamic duties became more like a chore, rather than something I genuinely wanted to do to submit to Allah. I felt more and more guilt as I felt I was lying to my parents, who only wanted to teach me the right path.
Despite all my actions that are against the religious norms, I still live in a country that is predominantly Islamic, and I was born into a strict religious family. It is basically impossible to reveal to them my true life.
So, every day I wake up and choose to convince my parents that I am a strong follower of the religion. Every week, I put an effort to make it to Friday prayers, with the sole pure intention of making my parents happy. In fact, everything I lie about my faith to my family is only to protect their feelings.
It breaks my heart to see my parents trusting me enough to head to the mosque myself every week, yet I’d be heading out to bars at 8pm.
I can’t stop drinking alcohol, but I still ask for forgiveness during prayers every Friday.
Although I feel immense guilt and shame for going against the tenets of Islam, I can’t stop drinking alcohol, because it has become part of my lifestyle for me.
At one point, I went through a bitter break up, work-related stress, and the death of a close friend, all at the same time. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain and make me feel better. Somehow, I was able to get through those dark months.
When I saw the viral Tiktok with the girl who broke down in her car while drinking that can of cider, I felt compassion and pity for her, because I went through the same thing.
However, watching her crying was like holding a mirror up to myself. I started to wonder: If I didn’t have alcohol to ease the hardships, could I cope with life’s struggles?
I have tried to quit before, but each time, I always end up back at the bar the same evening, ordering another round. And each time Friday rolls around, I say a prayer to Allah to ask for forgiveness.
I do see the beauty of Islam, that its 5 Pillars are in place only to benefit us. I do pray, fast, pay my tithes, and one day possibly perform the Hajj.
But I’m undecided if I can really honestly call myself a Muslim, considering how secular my lifestyle has become. My brother eventually grew closer to Islam now that he is married, and I often wonder if it will be the same for me.
At the very least, I hope that one day, I can love Islam again without pressure from family and friends to keep up appearances.
For more stories like this, read: I’m Muslim But I Fake My Fasts During Ramadan To Satisfy My Family
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