Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
Every country has its own specific culture that is generated by the people living in it. Malaysia is obviously no different. There are certain things in Malaysia that are normalised, especially within the dating scene. Sometimes, if you’re single or in a healthy long-term relationship, you look at your friends in their relationships and wonder: “why the hell are you putting up with that?”
IRL reached out to Malaysians to share the toxic traits that are normalised in Malaysia’s dating scene and what they’ve noticed:
1. Jealousy
“It’s so weird how normalised jealousy is here,” Rain said. “You see these tweets saying things like, ‘why do you have girl friends when you have me, your girlfriend?’ and you wonder.”
In fact, I found that Rain is right. Many Malaysians I spoke to prefer if their partner has friends of the same gender (if they’re straight) and find it a little weird if they have friends of the gender they’re attracted to. The issue isn’t isolated to women, of course, as men here have the same mindset as well.
“Jealousy is a very toxic problem to have in a relationship,” Zoe agreed. “It blinds you to how good the relationship is going and causes trust issues when there shouldn’t be any.”
Thanks to the romantic movies of the past, jealousy is seen as something desirable and healthy: it proves that one is desirable. Yet when running unchecked, it can destroy a good thing.
2. “I shouldn’t have to say it” mentality
I remember when a friend was expressing unhappiness over something her boyfriend didn’t do. It wasn’t a deal breaker or anything – just something that she wished he did for her.
“I shouldn’t have to say it,” she told me.
But here’s the thing: you do have to actually say things, sometimes. What’s obvious to one person isn’t obvious to another!
A healthy relationship requires open communication, and that means saying things you’re uncomfortable with expressing. How’s your partner supposed to make you happy if you don’t tell them what makes you happy and what you’d prefer for them to avoid doing?
Unfortunately, none of us are mind readers. If you feel strongly about something then you should express it.
3. Seeing their partner as a “half” rather than a “full” person
Some Malaysians view their partner as their “other half”, and while romantic this does result in some control issues. Tina experienced this in a few relationships.
“I’d always be guilt tripped by my exes saying that ‘we’re each other’s halves’ and ‘we complete each other’, but now looking back I wish I was recognised as my own person.”
She remembered how she was forced into liking the same things they did and how she was often belittled for her interests. “I have an ex who wanted me to focus on more ‘serious’ things like investing my money, but what really made me happy was doing self-care things like going for spa days or doing my skincare routine.”
Tina found that the type of person who saw her as his “other half” usually wanted her to change to fit them instead of respecting her individuality. “It’s like now that we’re together, they don’t like the things that make me me.”
But this issue happens with women as well! Troy was in a toxic relationship in which his ex also demonstrated the same issues as Tina’s exes. “Unfortunately, men don’t take these relationship issues as seriously,” he admitted. “My ex never allowed me a social life without her and I really think it stunted my emotional growth as a person.”
4. Always wanting to be right
Despite being an issue primarily associated with women (as what you see in those “my wife is always right” jokes), men are guilty of this too.
Zoe cringes when she thinks about one of her exes who had this trait. “He didn’t know what he was talking about, but he always had to be right,” she said. “And this didn’t only happen with his areas of expertise, but also everything! I eventually left because dealing with it was so exhausting.”
Jean had this problem with her ex-husband. “He’d come back home and talk about stuff his friends said which could be easily disproved with a quick Google search but he was so full of himself and how right he was that he’d double down and insist that I was wrong.”
To be fair, women do struggle with this issue as well. “I am definitely guilty of this,” Tina said. “It’s something I’m working on and I have to kick myself when I feel myself going into that mentality. I keep trying to remind myself that being wrong leads to growth and that I have to change my mind when presented with evidence.” She believes she still has a long way to go.
5. “I’m the most important person in your life”
“I dated a guy who believed this,” Rain said. “He was way too romantic, which most people think is a good thing, but it’s not practical. He would force me to prioritise our relationship over all my other relationships, like those with my friends and my siblings.” She told me that it was suffocating, because she would have to spend nights on the phone with him instead of investing in her other relationships with people that she also cared about.
“He didn’t think that any of my friends were important and that I had to focus on him to the exclusion of everyone else,” she said. “He did the same as well so I got really sick of him quickly!”
Matthew, who has been married a while, agrees that other relationships are equally as important as his marriage. “I have friends who have been around for a really long time and who are more like family to me than friends. I’d find it a red flag if my wife had ever insisted she take precedence over them, but luckily she understands that priorities change according to situations. She knows that she’s special to me, but that my friends are too.”
The problem with these toxic traits being so normalised in Malaysia is that they’re common enough to be overlooked as valid issues
Some will even tell you that these are normal and even desired traits to have in a partner!
But the reality is that a partner with these problems will affect you negatively in the long run: you could find yourself losing valuable friendships or your partner could stunt your own growth as a person. Neither of these outcomes are desirable, especially once the relationship comes to its natural end and you reflect back on the ways that you were adversely affected by having a partner with such characteristics.
Love may be love, but we must not seek love at all costs.
For more stories like this, read: 5 Toxic Traits That Exist In Malaysian Culture, From Compromise To Disagreements Without Drama: Malaysians Share The Green Flags They Want To See In Relationships, and Dear Women, Here Are 13 Dating Secrets Malaysian Men Won’t Tell You.
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