Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments
Everybody has different social needs. The extrovert seeks out social contact, new people, new civilizations and is willing to go boldly into the unknown. Anything new energizes them.
On the other hand, introverts are more comfortable focusing on their inner thoughts — inside their head is their happy place.
Those who have met me and read my writings assume that I am an extrovert. They assume that I love being around people and getting involved in social activities. The truth: I am actually the EXACT opposite.
Yes. I am actually an introvert, and I am abhorred when I read about how Malaysian introverts are expected to be more sociable and outgoing – as if hanging out at the mamak (or on Zoom or Discord) 3 times a week isn’t draining enough.
It doesn’t help that Malaysian culture strongly prefers the traits of extroverted people.
I understand that most extroverts mean well when they “adopt an introvert” as a friend. However, there are some things they should understand about introverts first.
Dear extroverts, please lend me your ears. Consider this a guide to making and keeping introverted friends.
1. Get out of my personal space
We really, really value our personal space and privacy. Those boundaries are hard boundaries. Don’t show up unannounced at my home and do not bring surprise guests to whatever event we have organized. Worse yet, surprise parties starring an introvert (no matter the occasion) are not a good idea, and neither are spontaneous lepak sessions.
We actually need that time before, after (and sometimes, during) social events to prepare, decompress and just absorb everything that’s going on around us.
2. Introverts are quiet and it’s not personal
We live in the same world but we have an inner world that comprises our private thoughts and feelings. Introverts tend to spend most of their time in that inner world. This makes us the quiet ones, sometimes known as the “pemalu”.
Although we are the quiet ones, we are aware of what’s going on and have an opinion on everything too. To us, that silence is companionable.
3. We don’t do large groups
Hanging out with introverts means hanging out either 1:1 or in a small group of 3-4 people at most. We don’t like large groups, and we definitely don’t like crowds. Put us in the middle of either and we’ll make friends with the nearest cat, dog, or goldfish, then disappear.
Find low-key quiet places to chat, chill, and just hang out with us. Introverts tend to live in those inner worlds, which already take up a lot of mental energy. We prefer one-to-one conversations because it lets us have more meaningful, deeper conversations. We thrive in these settings because it drastically lowers our stimulation level — there is only one other person to interact with.
4. Getting to know us
We do not want to be just another warm body in the entourage. We want to be the person, in a relationship that means something. If an introvert calls you a friend, that is saying a lot because they have a limited social battery. They don’t let just anybody into their circle.
When hanging out with introverts, don’t jump into the deep end. Start with the superficial and gradually work your way into deeper or more personal topics. Start with things like:
- Hobbies and interests?
- Shopee versus Lazada or both?
- Read any good books? Or have you watched anything interesting?
Get to know us, and you’ll quickly realize that we are like everyone else who enjoys the company of our friends, even more than others because we keep few friends but value those relationships very much.
5. Spend quality time not quantity
When we ask you, “How are you?”, we want to hear about that crisis you had when you couldn’t order your Roti Boy because you were on Shopee instead of FoodPanda. We will take one moment of pure connection over hours of social-media-friendly gloss.
6. We are creatures of habit
Introverts are a lot like cats. We are creatures of habit and pattern; our comfort zone is very important to us. Being friends with an introvert means first understanding our boundaries and habits. A few ways to ease us out of our comfort zone are:
Inviting us to join you (just you) to try something new or go to a new place.
Asking us to help co-host/plan a small-scale event (emphasis on small).
Introduce us to someone new — one person at a time, please.
7. Invite us, but be prepared
Introverts feel overwhelmed in social settings, even more so when there’s a crowd. We will leave early, decline, or even possibly back out at the very last minute. Just like us being quiet, it is not meant to be an insult.
When introverts break plans, it’s most likely that something else happened, and we are in need of time and space to recharge our depleted social battery. We’re also pretty embarrassed when this happens, and generally don’t quite know what to say or how to explain it either.
When we do show up, don’t expect to stay out and party nonstop till the break of dawn. Most of us are like Cinderella — we have to be home by midnight so that we can digest the magic we just experienced… before the magic wears off.
8. Let us talk too
Extroverts I know can go on without pausing for breath. I am generally content to sit there and let them ramble on. An hour can go by, and I’ve said maybe five words while sipping my limau ice. I generally don’t mind, but there are limits to everything.
We do have opinions, ideas, and thoughts of our own, but we generally won’t interrupt. We’ll even cede the floor to you because we know how hard it is to get back on track once the deep-processing train is derailed. Just make sure you let us be heard too.
9. Be honest about what you need from us
Introverts like having a small circle of friends, but that also means being clear, like when you need us to meet you in the middle. Please be clear about what your expectations in friendships are so that the relationship remains balanced and healthy for everyone.
Let us know when it is important for us to not just attend, but to be at a specific social event. This could be something as simple as a birthday meetup at the mamak for maggi goreng, or as important as being your wedding witness. Tell us it is important, and if we have committed to you, we will be there.
10. Don’t expect constant contact
Introverts won’t post on social media much. Don’t expect us to call very often (unless it’s an emergency). We don’t even stay in touch well. That doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten about our friends. You’ve probably floated across our busy mind quite a bit.
For the extrovert, socializing is re-energizing. You can talk, chat, and hang out like the foodpanda app with its voucher notifications. For the introvert, no matter how much fun we had, we are going to feel tired and drained and need to recharge in blessed silence. This is why I use GrabFood most of the time.
11. Misunderstood
Introverts. We often get called the loner/stand-offish/anti-social. That social shyness others see is barely the tip of the iceberg.
In reality, introverts value our friendships and relationships, but obviously, we’re not wired the way extroverts are. Socializing re-energizes them. It’s draining for introverts.
But we can become friends, provided both are willing to work just a little bit harder to find a balance to relate and connect.
We’ll want to see you again soon.
For more stories like this, read: Working With An Introvert: Here Are 5 Things We Wish Our Colleagues Know About Us and Introverts Aren’t Antisocial: 5 Things People Get Wrong About Us.
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