Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
While we may not be surprised to hear that people have affairs, the reasons why those affairs happen are always a bit more surprising. Sometimes, cheating occurs because a close relationship with a co-worker went too far. Or because an alcohol-fueled night ended in a huge mistake. Other times, having an affair is a conscious decision – a grasp at intimacy – emotional or otherwise.
Here, Sean (not his real name) talks to IRL about the story behind his affair.
So what happened?
I was under pressure at work. I didn’t want to talk to my wife about it, because the situation at work was quite stressful. So I started confiding in another female friend. And then, it went from just confiding in her to her and me starting a relationship.
When the affair began, did you tell your wife?
No. To be honest, I didn’t have any intention of starting the affair or leaving my wife. It just happened over time. I continued with the two relationships for, like, a long time.
What’s a long time?
Over a year.
Are you still having the affair?
My wife found out after just over a year. She left, and I continued the relationship with the person I was having the affair with.
What was going through your mind when your relationship with the other woman escalated?
I felt the conflict of having someone that I can talk to, who was outside of my relationship, without causing any problems to my partner. In the beginning, it was a relief to feel like there was someone I could talk to.
The pressure I was under at work were life-or-death situations. I didn’t want to worry my partner with that. So I sought out another relationship. Having someone to talk to about what was going on was a relief for me, without having to worry my partner with that stuff.
How did it feel to be really falling for someone else, for real, while being in a committed relationship?
It was hard; I was torn. I could tell the girl that I was having the affair with that it was over and continued with my long-term relationship on one side, but the biggest worry I had is that if I did that, she would find out about my long-term relationship and tell my ex-wife what I had been doing, and then I’d wind up alone anyway.
Did the person you were having an affair with know that you were in a long-term relationship?
No.
Did she ever find out?
Yes. When my ex-wife found out, they had a conversation, and my ex-wife told her that the whole time she had been in a relationship with me.
How did that happen?
I had hidden the new girl’s number under a different name in my phone. But one evening, when I was in bed, she went through my phone and realized I had been speaking to the same number on a regular basis. She decided to call it, and then she told the other girl who she was. That was how they both found out about the truth.
What happened after the person you were having an affair with found out?
We broke up. A month later she called me and told me that what I had done was a very bad thing, however, she wanted to be with me, and thought we could try to work things out.
Is that what you’re doing now?
We did that for seven years. We broke up about 18 months ago.
Why did that happen?
She was concerned that there were too many other women that were close to me in my life, even though I wasn’t having any relationships with them.
I guess I can see how that would come full circle.
From my perspective, I just thought that because we were together for such a long time, she would overcome that insecurity. But because I spent a lot of my working life with women and a lot of my friends were female, she never got over the insecurity that I caused at the beginning of the relationship.
Did you ever feel guilty about the affair?
No. In the beginning, it was the comfort of having someone to talk to. But I didn’t know how to end it. I was worried on a daily basis that my partner would find out, or that the girl that I was seeing would find out. I didn’t find the strength to tell either of them what was going on.
Do you have any children?
I have a son with my ex-wife.
Does your son know about what happened?
He does. His mom told him what happened. He asked me why I decided to cheat on his mom. I tried to explain it to him the best that I could. But his mom also told him that I cheated on him, as well as her.
Do you feel like you did that?
I didn’t feel like it at the time. But I felt very guilty about it when he told me that.
How is your co-parenting relationship with your ex-wife?
It was very, very difficult for the seven years I was with the woman that I had the affair with. Things got significantly better when she realized that we had broken up. A while after that, I started a relationship with a new girlfriend.
My ex and my new girlfriend get on well. I think it’s because the new girlfriend has no connection to the other woman or my ex. Things have gotten better, not only in terms of the communication between me and my ex, but it also allows me more time with my son. For the seven years that I was with the previous woman, my ex-wife made it difficult for me to spend time with my son.
When you look back at the affair, would you have done it again?
Absolutely not. Absolutely no way. There was never any intention in the beginning to have an affair and with hindsight – and having the experience that I’ve had since then and the stuff that I’ve gone through with my son – no, absolutely not, I would never do it again.
The lesson I learned is that even though I was trying to protect my partner from the worries and the stuff I was going through in my work, I think it would have been much better to tell her what was going on and deal with the worries that she might have with that. Other than doing what I did and ruining the relationship. To be honest, I don’t think that she’s gotten over what I did.
For more stories like this, read: 5 Mistakes I Made When I Told My Best Friend That Her Husband Was Cheating on Her and My Dad Confessed He Had A Side Chick Who ‘Bomoh’d’ Him Out Of RM700,000
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