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This story is about a man who ruined his 20-year marriage for a 25 year old woman, and wanted to warn others against making the same mistake.
It’s not easy to confront one’s own mistakes, especially when they involve hurting the person that has been with you the most. I never imagined I would find myself in such a situation, but life has a funny way of humbling you when you least expect it.
I am a simple guy in my 50s, married for more than 20 years to a dutiful wife. For the last 10 years, we started sleeping in different rooms. Even hand-holding was only done in public to reaffirm to society that we were a loving husband and wife. We shared a house but we could have been just housemates, because that was as intimate as we got.
On the outside, we looked like a well-put together and happy family, but on the inside, my marriage was a sham.
I began a secret affair with someone online
It all started innocently enough. The monotony of my midlife crisis led me down a rabbit hole of internet forums, and I found myself scrolling endlessly on the subreddit of r/deadbedrooms.
One day, I vented in frustration about how unfulfilled my intimate life was in a post that drew lots of attention, awards, and upvotes. One of the top comments was by a young woman in her late 20s who vented about her boyfriend.
It puzzled me how a young woman could find herself in such a situation. We started messaging each other just to vent about our respective relationships. The messages became more frequent, almost daily. It felt like such a relief to have someone who understood my circumstances.
One day, we decided to exchange numbers to ease our conversation over Telegram. That’s when I noticed her Malaysian number. I was surprised, and it seemed like no coincidence that she was also based in KL. But it never crossed my mind to meet up, after all, we were just online acquaintances.
We started meeting secretly in person
Over the next year, we continued to chat, first exchanging voice notes and innocent pictures about what we were doing daily – meals, gym, books we were into.
One thing led to another, and late at night, I found myself video calling her once my wife had gone to bed. She was a pretty woman, youthful and chirpy, excited to share little things throughout her day.
We decided to meet for coffee. An innocent enough proposition that I did not feel guilty. However, from the moment we laid eyes on each other, we could not stop having our little meetups. She would sneak away from her boyfriend that often worked late, and I would sneak away from my wife, citing a heavy workload.
I don’t know when exactly my wife started getting suspicious. She showed no signs at all. Maybe it was the lack of intimacy we already had, or our separate lifestyles, but I had no clue that she knew about my new addiction.
My wife confronted me about my betrayal
One day, my wife told me she wanted to talk to me about something important. I said “sure”, thinking it was another discussion about insurance, medical tests, home maintenance or whatever mundane thing we usually talked about.
But my heart sank as she confronted me with all the evidence of my betrayal. As I watched in panic, she showed me screenshots of my chats, credit-card statements, and evidence I wasn’t at work events when I said I was.
There was no excuse I could give, no explanation. Ashamed, I came clean and told her about how unhappy and unfulfilled I’d been for years. I admitted to her that I was a cheater. My wife was in tears as I confessed that I could not bring myself to break it off with the young woman.
Since there was no going back from this, I asked for a divorce, as it seemed like the only option left to us. My wife agreed, and I moved out of the house.
My girlfriend broke it off with me as well
Blinded by the illusion of youth and vitality, I was convinced that starting anew with this younger girl was the answer. Little did I know that my newfound happiness was built upon wishful thinking.
When I saw my young girlfriend, I told her that I had recently separated from my wife. I confessed I was in love with her. Perhaps I was misguided, but I thought she would leave her boyfriend too and be with me. After all, we had already shared so much of our lives with each other.
But she told me I had made a terrible mistake. Although she had been facing relationship issues with her boyfriend, he was a rich tycoon’s son and she had no plans to leave him.
In a flash, my delusions went up in smoke, and in the ensuing quarrel, she broke it off with me. As quickly as she had entered my life, the college student who I had fallen for had left.
What I wish I knew before cheating on my wife
As a fully grown 50 year old man, I was left to confront the foolishness of my own actions. I had thrown away 20 years of my life for someone I barely knew.
Now I realize that leaving my wife and almost losing my family was the most imbecilic and stupid thing that I could have ever done in my entire life. I wish I’d known this before I decided to cheat on my wife.
With a heavy heart, I set out to right the wrongs I had committed. I knew that winning back my wife’s trust would be an uphill battle, but I was willing to do whatever it took to earn her forgiveness.
I began by seeking professional help. In the therapist’s chair, I realised a lot of harsh truths about myself, how my pride and self-centeredness was the downfall of my 20+ year-long marriage.
A few days later, I called my wife and asked if we could go for couples’ counselling together before we officiated the divorce. What was a last-ditch attempt at forgiveness became a journey of healing together.
We confronted our demons head-on, addressing the underlying issues that had driven us apart. My wife told me she had been dealing with the depression and loneliness that came after our children had moved out, and that it was my lack of emotional support which was what caused her emotional isolation.
Through tears and laughter, anger and forgiveness, the wounds of betrayal began to heal. Slowly but surely, our relationship began to mend.
Today, I’m a different person
Today, I am grateful for the second chance that my wife has gave me. It has been 3 years of couple’s counselling now, and it is with gratitude that I can say that our relationship is in the best place it has ever been.
I know I don’t deserve it at all. After the way I treated her, and betrayed her, I deserve to be alone. All I can say is, I’m glad I married my wife 21 years ago.
Now, our love is stronger than ever. Of course, there are always new challenges, even today, but we are continually working on being better at communicating and learning how to love each other.
I have faltered along the way, but I refuse to let my mistakes define me. Instead, I choose to embrace growth and become a different person than I was before. True redemption lies not in the absence of mistakes, but in the courage to confront them head-on.
To anyone thinking about being unfaithful to your spouse…please slow down, take a breath, and heed my advice. The pain that you will cause to your family is not worth it. Sure, you’ll have your freedom and have a great time, for a while. But the cost is much too great.
If you’ve ever found yourself in the same situation as me, I urge you to reflect on the sacrifices and commitment your partner has shown you, and never forget the good things. I hope my honest sharing will prevent others from making a huge mistake.
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Also read: Why I Cheated On My Wife M’sian Man Shares His Story Behind The Affair
“Why I Cheated On My Wife” – Malaysian Man Shares His Story Behind His Affair
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