Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
Pictures shared by H.
I’ve always been underweight. People saw my body as something to make fun of, which made me wish I wasn’t so skinny. I got tired of everyone’s “jokes”, and I found weight gain pills online, but I would also risk ruining my kidneys.
Still, I took that risk and destroyed my organs just so I could appear more “normal”.
This is my story.
“The “bullying” wasn’t even bad at first. It was worse when puberty really hit me (like a truck and not even in the ‘glow-up’ kind of way)”
I was 160cm tall one day and grew up to 180cm the next. I remember how hard it was to balance my body.
It was weird cause I was like a baby giraffe since I have wide feet and a very skinny frame. My feet would push my body to walk, so I was a bit jumpy with every step.
I didn’t think anything of it at first cause I thought it was a characteristic of mine, and that’s what makes me, Me. But people are mean, and of course, they found a way to bring me down – and my happiness.
For illustrative purposes only.
“My family members never body-shamed me. My parents were nice to me and supported my weight gain journey.”
Sure, my sister occasionally made the “drug dealer” joke. Still, I’d body-shamed her too – like, we’re siblings – at the end of the day, we knew not to take these things too seriously. My mother repeatedly said it was in my genetics since my dad had been skinny but was now looking ‘healthier’ in his older years.
But I wanted a quicker solution; I yearned to be desirable and normal-looking.
“It started with the small things, like how they ukur your wrist with their fingers and go, ‘OMG Look! There’s so much space left! You’re so skinny!’ and I thought, okay… I am skinny.”
Of course, I’d already acknowledged my skinniness, but people constantly asked me if I wasn’t eating enough.
Then, it came to a point where even strangers started to imitate my walk at the shopping mall. So they’d go beside me and walk in a jumpy way while their friends at the back would laugh along. That moment made me feel so horrible, and it was when I realised, like, okay, I’m not normal.
“Still, I thought at least these were strangers and not people I trusted. I was proven wrong by my teacher.”
When I was 16/17 years old, I remember this one time I had to go to the toilet, so I walked out of the class. Even my teacher imitated my walk IN FRONT OF THE CLASS, which got everyone laughing instantly.
It made me feel sad and embarrassed, and I started crying in the toilet. Even then, I still wasn’t safe.
Someone came all the way into the bathroom only to throw a mop at my stall, which made me cry harder.
For illustrative purposes only.
“At that time, I figured the only solution was to eat more. I thought I could be happier if I’d just gain weight.”
I’ve eaten a whole packet of nuggets just to gain weight, to no avail. When I entered University, I tried to put it behind me by channelling some confidence and making new friends.
Unfortunately, that didn’t last very long because I met Shawn (not his real name).
Shawn has his moments where I would actually look up to him sometimes. Other times, he cracks his brain a little too hard to make jokes about my thin frame – mostly directing his insults towards my lack of ass.
Since he had the body of a Greek God (we’re talking abs for days), I guess he thought it was okay to make fun of my body.
“It brought me back to when strangers made fun of me, except this was worse because he was actually my friend.”
The only way I thought I could feel good was to gain weight, so I Googled ‘weight gain medication’ and found Appeton. I wanted to try it, but it works way too slowly – even if you took them for three months, you’d only gain 4-5kg.
I searched online for alternatives and found cheaper options on shady websites. So, I bought the one with the most positive reviews, and they actually worked.
“I was 183 cm and went from 60kg to 70kg in two weeks.”
At the time, I wasn’t grateful for what I had, and I went into a deep, deep depression which got me to stop the pills immediately because I thought it wasn’t healthy. As soon as I stopped taking them, though, I returned to my original weight in just two weeks; that is how dangerous the pills were.
I had cellulite all over my body because of the sudden weight gain and loss. I had also developed a jock itch between my thighs because they started to chafe when I gained weight. It came to a point where walking was unbearable, and now I have deep scar burns that I see as a reminder of the harm I’d done to my body.
For illustrative purposes only.
“I went to a specialist because I was starting to feel abdominal pains, and they found that my intestines had some problems.”
I’m not 100% sure if the pills did it, but the doctors told me that if I had taken some substance before, it could have been the cause. He also informed me that my kidneys weren’t doing too well either.
I took it as a lesson and reflected on myself, thinking: “it was a really messed up thing for me to do to myself”, so I started practising loving myself. Since body positivity became a thing, I also learned to accept my body as it was. I am handsome the way I am, and people are built differently anyways.
But recently, one day, I felt terrible about my body, so I called my friend “S” to vent to him about how he treated me back in college.
I was aware that I was lashing at the person he used to be in University, and he might not even be that person anymore. Yet, I was too angry, so I lashed out at him on the phone.
For illustrative purposes only.
“It was nice to have him acknowledge that he was an asshole who hurt me.”
He surprised me by admitting he was wrong. He realised how much he had hurt me then and had always wanted to apologise. He even explained that he was projecting his own insecurity about being so short next to me.
The closure he gave me for this made me realise that at the end of the day, it’s not even about him, but it’s about how I should learn not to let other people shape the way I think.
For illustrative purposes only.
“I would never take those pills again, and I highly advise anyone to go against them.”
If I searched for those fat pills now, I wouldn’t be able to find them anymore because the government used to push people against taking these sketchy supplements. Honestly, I’m grateful they are doing that because there will always be better alternatives, even if it takes time.
My mum ended up being right about how it was all genetics. At 22 years old, my body started to regulate normally because that was when my puberty stopped. Right now, my average body weight is 70kg, so all of the weight gain pills truly meant nothing but pain and trauma for my body.
If I could go back in time, I would tell my 15-year-old self to focus on my style and fashion sense rather than try being someone I was not.
Know anyone with an exciting story to share? Drop us an email at hello@inreallife.my, and we may feature the tale!
For more stories like this, read:
Why Changing My Weight Didn’t Fix My Self-Esteem — Loving Myself Did (Part 1)
Why Changing My Weight Didn’t Fix My Self-Esteem – Loving Myself Did (Part 2)
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