Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo the sentiments of In Real Life.
This story is about a young wife who confessed how living with her in-laws had become a nightmare, citing familial expectations that she wasn’t prepared for.
When I first got married to my husband, it was expected that we move into his parents’ house, because it is the tradition in his family.
My husband lived in a neighborhood where his extended relatives also lived, so they would often come by to visit and chat with my grandmother-in-law, who stayed with his parents.
In the early years of my marriage, I had tried to adjust to the bustling household of my in-laws. I entered his home with hopes and dreams of building a harmonious relationship with his parents and extended relatives.
However, reality has been a harsh wake-up call for me.
I come from a small family. Both my parents were westernized Malaysians, and I grew up without a set of traditional familial rules to follow such as in a large extended family. So I had no idea of all the expectations that came along with being a wife.
It started with comments about my cooking from my husband’s mother. Every day brought new ‘helpful’ advice about my cooking, my appearance, and even my upbringing. At first I tried to take it in good faith, but it always seemed like my mother-in-law was trying to mold me into being more like her.
It wasn’t just the words; it was the expectations. I was expected to help with the chores, help with random things in the house, not just from my mother-in-law, but also my aunts and grandmother.
At first, I did my best to be accommodating and help them with the chores and things. But before long, I found myself being the person everyone called on whenever something needed to be done around the house.
The worst came from my grandmother-in-law. Her sharp words and harsh criticisms made me feel small and unappreciated. I was constantly reminded to do things for her, and chided if I was too slow or didn’t do it right.
The few times I had tried to speak up or set boundaries, I was met with subtle comments about my unwillingness to be part of the family. I swallowed my pride and did as I was told.
But inside, I was feeling more and more trapped.
Once or twice, I tried to gently push back or state how I had other priorities. But my attempts at standing up for myself or setting healthy boundaries were viewed as selfishness. As each month passed, I could feel my hopes and dreams about married life shrivel up and wither away.
My husband felt torn between his loyalty to his family and his love for me. He often tried to mediate, but the ingrained traditions and expectations were too strong to change. We would often bicker about this, and I started to feel my love for him change.
One evening, after a particularly heated argument with my mother-in-law over my decision to pursue a part-time job, we retired to our room. Suddenly, my husband said to me, “I know it’s been hard on you. How about we move out?”
When he told me how he had been planning to move out for weeks, I was taken aback. It was something I had longed for but had never dared to voice, because I feared it would come between my husband and his family.
But my husband assured me that our relationship came first and that we needed to build our own life, free from the oppressive atmosphere I was currently in. When he said that, I broke down and hugged him.
We found a modest apartment in a nearby city, far enough to have our own space but close enough to visit when needed. The move wasn’t easy. There were tearful goodbyes and angry confrontations, but my husband stood firm.
For the first time in months, I felt a sense of peace.
The initial days were filled with the excitement of setting up our new home, and life in the new apartment was blissfully different.
I found myself waking up with a smile, looking forward to each day. The absence of constant scrutiny and criticism allowed me to rediscover myself. I pursued my part-time job, and my husband supported me every step of the way.
Sure, we’ve had our disagreements, as all couples do, but without the added pressure of family expectations, we were able to navigate them with less heated debates and arguments.
My mother had always been a pillar of support, understanding the nuances of the struggles I faced. One day, while talking to her over the phone, she remarked, “Your dad did the same for us,” her mother said. “He pulled us away from the in-laws when he realized how bad it was. I didn’t ask him for it; he just did it.”
I let go of family expectations and I’ve never been happier.
I know that there are those who will read this and tell me I’m an unfilial daughter in law, I’m ungrateful, selfish, entitled, and so on. But there are families who completely love and accept their daughters-in-law, so why was mine not one of them?
Unnecessary family drama, scapegoating the daughter-in-law as the villain of the house, and demeaning them at every step, despite saying they are a part of the family, is one of the reasons why many single women of today are skeptical of getting married.
Taunts on the perceived flaws in physical appearance (esp skin color and weight), expectation of servitude, abusive treatment from the grandmother-in-law, sexual advances from male members-it’s all very real.
When the time comes, and it will, remember that your daughter in law will curse you for things you think are pretty ‘innocuous’ and you will be left wondering why she reacted to something where you meant no harm. Such is the way of life.
I’m just glad that we had the financial means to move out when we could. I can’t wait to build a life with my husband in our new home.
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Also read: My Husband’s Parents Never Invited Me To Chinese New Year Because I Am Indian
My Husband’s Parents Never Invited Me To Chinese New Year Because I Am Indian
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