Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
The real world is a lonely place for some kids. I’m not sure when the bullying started. Was it because she has ADHD and social anxiety? I think so. She never found it easy to relate and connect with other people her own age, and she is a bit of a loner. She does sports and martial arts, but nothing that requires teamwork and communication.
Digital Games have helped my daughter find a social circle, make genuine friends, and perhaps help her find a career.
My Daughter, Her Struggle.
For illustrative purposes only
My daughter, Mey-Ling has ADHD. It caused a lot of other issues, including social anxiety, and depression because she doesn’t know how to interact and relate to people. Lost, and alone, she discovered digital games when she was 9, where her first game ever was Minecraft.
The game opened up a whole new world to her. She loves the world (and her server) of Minecraft. It was a world she could not wait to return to. Every day, she comes home from school, gets her homework and revision done, and then logs in to the game. She’ll play for hours and because of her ADHD, the medication side effects mean that she sleeps only a few hours a night at most.
She can hyperfocus and fixate on the game, once everything else is done, and in that game, she’s fantastic, and she is appreciated for who and what she can do in the game, from leading her guild to war and just guiding and supporting newcomers to the game. It’s a place, a world where she has control.
Real-life? That’s a different story.
School is not a nice place for her: Mey-Ling was teased and was physically bullied once. The offender thought snapping her bra strap would be funny. My daughter’s reaction was, physical – and violent. There were witnesses to prove she had not only been provoked but also sexually harassed by a senior student.
She was 14 when that happened, and real life has become even lonelier after that. As she had defended herself, and the aggressor (who was a popular boy) in school, she is now feeling the effects of being ostracized.
“I don’t belong. I don’t fit in. I don’t know why.”
“I don’t belong in any school I go to. I don’t fit in with any of the social groups. I don’t know why I can’t connect with people.” says Mey-Ling, “It’s lonely. I have a good home, but at school, it’s… too many people. New people, new teachers. It is always changing.”
“Then I had to deal with that bully, and after that, all the bullying stopped. Not because I could defend myself, but because “She’s Crazy,” or “has mental issues.” They whisper and talk behind my back.
Most of the other students went to the same primary school or already knew each other somehow. They all have their own group of friends already. All the teachers kept telling me to “meet new friends.” My ADHD makes all social interactions difficult for me. I get loud, overexcited and people find that weird, annoying, and disruptive.”
“I also had the reputation of being bullied, so I was not someone to be friends with, in case the bullies came after you too.”
Her World, Her server, Her safe place.
I have explored the Minecraft world she first created, then Mey-Ling learned how to manage a server and uploaded a copy of her world and lets people play, build and explore in her world. She has a group of friends in there, a few who are Malaysian, and we have met, and some who hail from as far away as Britain and Australia.
I’m not a Minecraft expert, but I have played with my daughter and her friends. I know enough to understand and be both amazed and impressed by what they have collectively built in the game: From bases, villages, and towns to massive recreations of famous places like the Eiffel Tower and Sydney Opera House, to Minas Tirith and Helm’s Deep to Star Destroyers and the Death Star.
In Minecraft, open water is a great place to build.
Then Mey-Ling discovered a different game, one she could play by herself called Fallout 4. She played it and found that several of her Minecraft friends also played the single-player game. She never finished any of the main games or much of the main story. Instead, she wound up getting lost in the ‘settlement building part’ of Fallout 4.
Apocalypse ruins become new homes. Player build settlements of Red Rocket and Grey Garden from Fallout4, from https://www.wonkosgeekery.com/blog/fallout4
I think these are the two main games she plays, switching between the two whenever she gets bored.
Online versus Real Life.
I was not… too happy when she started playing with strangers online in Minecraft, and it took a while for her to show me how she has total control of her server, and that she can kick out troublemakers and people who ruined the game for other people.
My daughter was honest and open with me, and she wanted me to share this part of her life with me, her social life. It’s not the traditional one, and I was worried because it was all online. She introduced me to her Discord server. She manages the server, and she can chat with people she plays with or even just talk like a phone or even video call.
Gif of Greygardens, Fallout 4 by Bethesda.
Due to the pandemic, they started having virtual “coffee shop hangouts” (everyone brought their own cake and coffee or tea) and would even “go to the cinema together” through Discord. She watches one or two movies a week with her friends like this.
The friends in the Minecraft guild, “the Debauchery Tea Party,” had no preconceived notions about her. They didn’t know she had been bullied, or how she had defended herself, but when I spoke to some of them, who I had played Minecraft with, they said they understood.
Her friends speak out.
“Juno” shared her own experiences, admitting candidly that she is a “Malaysian Hikikomori.” Juno prefers the online company of a select few people, like her guildmates, who are “both friends and family… I don’t know how to explain the relationship we all share. But we’re there for each other. We can trust each other. That’s enough.”
“Eris” put it very bluntly, speaking from his own high school experience, growing up as the lone “weird Asian kid” in a western “Mat-Salleh” country: “You go to school, you get bullied, or socially isolated. You go home, you go online to escape that. You don’t want to see your “peers” or do social things with the very same people who make fun of you, and whisper things about you behind your back.”
Despite all my fears, Mey-Ling’s online gaming experiences were very positive. She grew her guild’s inner circle to about 20 people, and her Discord server grew in leaps and bounds. Her online friends span the globe and within her friendship circle, she is judged by her personality as a quiet, soft-spoken, but caring – almost motherly – presence to newcomers in her world and server.
Those closest friends gave her the honorable title of “Mom Friend.” And they all, including Mey-Ling giggle about it.
I still don’t get it.
University and Beyond.
Mey-Ling chose where to do her degree because they offered the courses that she wanted in Game Development. I was willing to let her do that because I knew what gaming has given my little girl: Friends, an extended family of close friends, and almost siblings.
I’ve not met all of them, but the few I have met (speaking as an overprotective parent), I approve of, even if I still think all of them spend a little too much time playing games. What struck me the most was when I (hovered nervously) around the campus during her orientation was how many of the other students in her chosen program were… similar to her.
As a parent, with a child who has some special needs, I could see it in the other first-year students. The lack of social graces, the awkwardness of their very stilted conversations that suddenly blossomed when they found they had things in common: A passion for games and perhaps a commonly shared game – I still don’t understand how to play DOTA-II or even know what “M-L-B-B” is.
I was once the parent who was most afraid and sceptical about what possible benefits gaming and online friendships could bring to my daughter. And I have been proven wrong. Digital games have helped my daughter find a passion, a future, and most of all, a community.
Know anyone with an interesting story to share? Drop us an email at hello@inreallife.my, and we may feature the story!
For more stories like this, read:
This Malaysian Made Over Rm4,000 A Month At 18 Years Old As A Pro Gamer – Here’s Why He Quit
The OKU Of Malaysia Are NOT A Burden: Discrimination Against And Misconceptions About Disability
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