Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
Whether it’s ending an engagement or failing in a business venture, Malaysians (like all other Asian cultures) feel lots of shame and guilt when deciding that something isn’t going to work out. There’s also the social aspect of failure: the gossip surrounding you and your family, the perception that you just didn’t try hard enough, and other unfair assumptions.
But success doesn’t happen every day – in fact, it’s pretty rare for someone to succeed without loss.
Either way, Malaysians focus too much on success – here’s why we need to acknowledge that failure is okay:
1. Failure is a teacher
Making mistakes is the best way to learn how not to do something. It’s regarded as an integral part of success and growth.
Unfortunately, there is a lot of shame about it. Children are often punished for making mistakes in their schoolwork and this mentality continues till we grow up. This is why so many adults feel discouraged when they try something new and initially suck at it – even though it’s natural to be bad at something when you first start out.
What is more important than making mistakes is learning from them. But if you’re discouraged from it at an early stage because you don’t meet societal expectations of success, then how will you ever truly grow?
2. It’s brave to give up on something
It could be a long-term relationship or mental health problems that prevent you from completing a degree – but whatever it is, it takes a lot of courage to say, “I can’t do it, this is enough.”
Every person is different, with different abilities and capabilities. Yet we are all judged by the same standards. Instead of seeing the bravery it takes to acknowledge that something isn’t going the way you wish it did, you are often shamed for not meeting expectations.
Often, giving up is a way of cutting your losses. After all, if you keep trying at something and meet nothing but failure, it only makes sense to stop trying and redirect your energy elsewhere.
Why do we have to keep failing at something just to reach elusive success for other people to approve of us?
3. Sometimes, failure is just something that happens
Be it luck, chance or destiny, sometimes things just don’t work out. With things like relationships, you can’t force chemistry that isn’t there or you can’t change your partner into the person you wish they were. The same can apply to anything else.
You could do everything within your power to try for success, but tides are ever-changing and success can be hard to guarantee. No amount of sleepless nights and overworking will overcome a losing hand.
Giving up can be the wisest thing you can do for yourself.
4. Maybe it’s not you
It’s tempting to blame yourself when something you’re attempting goes horribly wrong but it could be that the failure isn’t really because of you.
Let’s say you have to drop out because you have ADHD and the rigid education system is causing you too much mental and emotional distress. That isn’t your fault – the issue is really that local universities and colleges have almost zero accommodations for learning disabilities. Despite being diagnosed with ADHD and having a letter to prove it, a local college told me that they would only acknowledge it and provide me with accommodations if I get official OKU status.
It sucks, but sometimes failure is all that can happen if you don’t have enough privileges or resources to help you overcome the obstacles present.
5. Failure is not an identity
It’s just part of life. It’s rare to breeze through life with a Midas hand, turning everything you touch into gold. It’s unfair how much past failure is associated with a person, turning it into a label that follows them through life.
It’s really just a matter of perspective.
“He’s a terrible student and fails all of his classes,” one of my aunts complained to me about a cousin. But she doesn’t talk about how much he helped our grandmother, the chores he does around the house, how polite and well-mannered he is to everyone.
We should always try to see the bigger picture and stop being so quick to condemn people.
Equating failure with shame will only lead to more failure
It’s much better to be supportive of someone giving up, to be there for them as a sounding board or a listener. Malaysians place too much pressure on people, but the reality is that many of us are failures in some ways.
Failure is only human – which is why we should be gracious and compassionate about it.
For more stories like this, read: I’m A Malaysian Woman Living With Autism – Here’s My Story, I’m A Malaysian Woman Who Loves Sex – Here’s Why It Should Be Destigmatised, and “Wah, you so fat now” And Other Things Malaysians Need To Stop Saying At Social Functions.
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