Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
The stay-at-home dad is a rare creature, rarely spotted in the wild. He is an icon to be emulated, but also a dirty secret to be ashamed of. For starters, there are a precious few of us stay-at-home dads (SAHDs let’s call them). And unlike our counterpart SAHMs, we don’t talk about the experience much. We don’t do brunches with other SAHDs or publish daddy blogs. And yet, over the years as a stay-at-home dad, I’ve learned many things that need to be shared. You may disagree with me or you may not believe me.
But you need to hear it.
And after five years of SAHD-ness, I’ve come to the conclusion that many dads are missing out on the very best part of life.
Lesson #1: Get ready to be judged
There is no faster way to end a conversation than by answering the question “What do you do?” with “I’m a stay-at-home dad.” You will be met with a chorus of crickets. “Oh…” they will say and pretend to be interested in their phone.
Of course, everyone pretends to be happy about it. “You’re so good with the kids,” they might say, but behind their eyes, the question will be there. It’s always the 800-pound elephant in the room. How do you pay for the bills? Unfairly, they will more often than not assume that I come from money. Plot twist – I don’t.
“Obviously, my wife duh!”
When I quit my job in 2012, my wife had two jobs and two nice little side businesses. Anyone who knows her knows she is a strong and capable woman. The task of bringing home the bacon was in good hands.
“You lazy bum,” they will think next.
I believe in work, but I quit my job for a different kind of work. No, not taking care of the kids, though that is work too. I quit my job to write a book. My wife and I made this decision together. It may never make us wealthy, but I wanted my kids to know me as who I am: a writer, not some advertising schmuck who makes oh-so-clever campaigns for social media.
It helped that I got to see my kids more frequently than just on weekends.
Lesson #2: Male privilege at home
If you’re an alpha male sort of dude who thinks bringing home the bacon gives him license to demand a warm meal served by his sex kitten of a wife when he arrives at his clean, spotless home, you’ve got another thing coming, buddy. Your “rough” day at work is nothing compared to what stay-at-home moms go through, and from where I’m standing, I think you can take my word for it.
A typical day may contain:
- The little bastards (I say this affectionately, knowing they’re perfectly legitimate) waking up at the crack of dawn
- Breakfast, which you prepare while uncaffeinated
- The little one willfully pouring his milk onto the table (you know, just because)
- Abang’s poop
- Homework cramming for the middle child (because everyone forgot about him last night)
- Tantrums #2, 3, and 4 from the toddler while the big kids are at school
- Guilt because tantrum #4 escalated and you shouted
- Middle child’s poop
- Actual fisticuffs, and biting
- Homework, meal planning, budgeting
- Toddler’s poop
- “How was your day, honey?”
So don’t even start on how you need undisturbed rest, or how you have a big day tomorrow.
Many men believe that the status as the household provider exempts them from diaper duties or household chores (and some wives enable this behaviour because their husbands “work so hard”). This kind of male privilege at home is commonplace, rampant even.
But believe me, men, you’ve got it easy. I’ve been on both sides, and, sure, having a successful career isn’t easy, but there is no contest.
Lesson #3: There is no such thing as a woman’s work
When I was a kid, the girls were taught to cook, bake and sew. Meanwhile the boys built things out of wood and metal. So in my early days as a stay-at-home dad I was at a distinct disadvantage. Once again, it was male privilege at work — men handing off the chores they didn’t want to do to women — and it was just stupid.
Eventually, I learned there are only two things I cannot do as a man: give birth to a child and breastfeed. For everything else, I took the same attitude I do with fixing my gaming PC: everything is learnable. With the right tools and the right knowledge, I can do anything.
Martha Stewart has got nothing on me. I’ve learned how to cut up a whole chicken, and cook a few signature dishes. I masterminded our home decor. I’ve learned the full lyrics to Princess Sofia, and some Trolls songs. My kids and I have engineered pillow forts, and constructed cardboard Iron Man armor.
Other men will say that they have no “maternal instincts” and that they can’t do the things their wife does. Men don’t have it in them, they say. I call BS. Last time I checked, I still had my dangly bits, and I figured it out. It never felt unnatural. Have they ever tried?
Lesson #4: Dads belong at home too
It’s not just about the kids. When you’re a SAHD, your wife is free to be a more fully-realized person. My wife likes to work. There was never a question of whether I would “let” her work. She was always going to. That’s the woman I married. She’s a mother, yes, but she is also so much more. I like to think I contributed to some of that by being a SAHD.
Macho men like to be in charge. What’s more macho than being in charge of your children’s well-being? Or being the champion of your wife’s aspirations? It’s okay, I’ll wait for your answer.
When you’re a SAHD, you will be a more fully-realized person too. It’s not easy, or glamorous, not even remotely cool. But I live for it. I didn’t have children just to have them raised by nannies. I wanted the whole experience. And you know what? Yes, work and other human endeavours are important. But fatherhood is the best part of life when you’re a dad. Let’s not pretend otherwise.
These days, more fathers are taking an active role in raising their kids, and seeing it warms my heart. This generation’s fathers are far more hands-on and engaged than previous generations. And who knows? Maybe male privilege at home is coming to an end.
Of course, bills have to be paid, and bread has to be brought home. The house has to be cleaned and the kids have to be watered and fed. But why do we delegate these roles according to sex?
At the end of the day, if you find yourself with the option of being a stay-at-home dad or a work-from-home dad, you should consider yourself lucky.
I trace the beginning of my life as a SAHD to when my first son was a day old. He was struggling to maintain his temperature and needed kangaroo care (skin-to-skin contact). My wife was out of it at the time and couldn’t (years later, we figured out she was going through postpartum depression). So instead of forcing her to do it, or asking someone else to do it, I tore off my shirt and held my son to my ripped chest and chiseled abs.
We sat there for I don’t know how long, just touching. He slept, as newborns do. I listened to his breathing as my own chest rose and fell.
“Papa’s here,” I told him. And I’ve been here ever since.
For more stories like this, read: A Single Mum Who Faced The Pressure Of Being a Father and Mother and We Asked Men in Their 30s, 40s, and 50s: What’s It Like Being a Father?.
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