Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
My whole life I thought there was something wrong with me. My diagnosis changed those thoughts. When I learned about my diagnosis I knew nothing was wrong with me. I knew that I had something very special about me and my life was about to change.
It was September 5th, 2016, two weeks after my 31st birthday, when I heard the words: “you’re on the spectrum.” As soon as I heard those four words, my body collapsed into my mum’s arms. We felt this huge weight being lifted off our shoulders.
I remember walking out of work two days after my official diagnosis and stopping in the middle of the parking lot thinking to myself “I finally feel normal.” Why did it take me so many years to finally feel “normal”?
The greatest thing that came out of this is how I feel like my whole life has finally been validated.
“I never would’ve guessed you’re autistic!”
When I tell people I am autistic, their reactions are mostly “You don’t act like you have autism.”
I always want to snap back to them, “How am I supposed to act?”
You can’t tell a person is on the spectrum by just looking at them. When I try to explain what being autistic means, I can see people getting interested in what I’m saying and they start asking me questions. I answer them as best as I can by using examples from my own life.
While I’m glad that I finally know I’m autistic, I sometimes wonder what my life would have been if I had been diagnosed as a child instead of in my early thirties.
I didn’t speak until I was four years old and spent many of my early years in speech therapy. I’ve always been sensitive to loud noises and I now understand my sensory issues.
No one suspected autism.
I was diagnosed with dyslexia before I turned 10 and in my early twenties, it was ADHD. The funny thing is… I never really felt as though I had either. Throughout my twenties, I saw many therapists but they never even thought of the idea of autism.
It was so frustrating for me not knowing why I felt so different.
No one seemed to know.
What is it like?
I live in a house with lights, a fridge, a cooker and a washing machine, but I sometimes find myself lacking the skills to sort the appliances out, and I’d rather live in darkness than have someone I don’t know in my personal space.
At school I was often disruptive, fussy and poorly behaved. While I excelled at reading and writing, I got bored quickly. I was prone to walking off or misbehaving, and was often punished. My mental health spiralled, and I spent my adolescence acting out, losing friends and hurting myself in various ways.
Then I got a job in an office, and I quickly learned that my brain simply does not adhere to regular schedules or working patterns. Everything made it impossible to work: waking up early, the freezing temperature in the office, the noise, the sound of other people eating.
I fell apart and stopped functioning. I went weeks without doing anything, feeling so overwhelmed that I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
Now I struggle financially due to a lifetime of subsisting on a single, small part-time income, even though I may be a graduate with an above average IQ.
Autism definitely does NOT have a gender
I think I had two things working against me growing up. The first was that autism wasn’t as known as it is today. Second, it was and still is considered to be a boy thing.
While boys on the spectrum tend to become rowdy, girls on the spectrum tend to be introverted and are labelled as shy and quiet. That’s all I heard growing up – that I was shy and quiet. It really rubbed me the wrong way.
I feel 100 times better today than I did before I was diagnosed
I now feel that I am understood much better by the people in my life. It’s a struggle every day trying to figure things out as someone who is on the spectrum. Just the other day, someone very close to me mentioned how far I have come in such a short time.
I still get frustrated with the little things like my sensory sensitivity, but I am learning how to live as a woman on the autism spectrum.
Now I’m 36 and it’s been 5 years since my diagnosis. I could not be happier with who I am today.
It has been a roller coaster, but I can finally truly say that I am comfortable in my own skin.
For more stories like this, read: [Video] The Malaysian Who Opened A Cafe For His Autistic Son and I Picked Fights In School Because I Have ADHD, But 10 Years Later I Published 3 Books
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