Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
I decided when I was 18 that I won’t ever have kids. Part of this was due to my mental instability at the time. Still, despite all the healing I went through, and now at 24 years old… I still do not wish to bring life into this world.
Of course, I also know that I may change my mind in the future. So, in the meantime, I still want to learn more and more about this topic – on being a good parent, or person in general – to prepare myself for whatever life throws at me.
Recently, this topic has popped up on Twitter, where Shafiqah Othman (a mother and well-known Malaysian activist) shares her belief that not everyone should have children. This particularly intrigued me as I have always been told otherwise by people with children.
Here is a summary of Shafiqah’s thread – with my own thoughts added in between!
Source: shafiqah othman on twitter. Com
“I Aged 10 Years in 1 year [of] having a kid”
Shafiqah Othman writes in her thread: “The love I have for my child is immense, she is my best friend, a glowing star in my life. And yet if you asked me if everyone should have kids, my answer was, is, and will always be ‘No‘.”
To explain further, she also shares that being a parent would put one through “some of the darkest, most difficult, life-shattering moments in your life.” To remain ignorant of that would risk harming another life.
Source: ketut subiyanto on pexels. Com
Shafiqah admits, “A large part of parenting is re-parenting yourself.”
She continues, “having a child forces you to face your unhealed traumas regardless if you’re ready for it or not.”
But what if the person isn’t able to cope with the challenges that come with being a mother? How can they give a loving home for their child to thrive in?
I Shouldn’t Have A Kid & Expect Them To Magically Make Me Love Them
I have been called selfish for not wanting to have children. But is it not just as selfish to have children and not give them the love that they need?
People have told me, “oh, but once you have a child, you will love him or her without even thinking about it!”
“A child can’t change someone for the better,” says Shafiqah Othman.
Have we not seen enough bad parenting out there to know how false this saying is? Do we not see the resentment in some parents’ eyes when their children’s existence causes them to give up their dreams? Why do these people feel the need to guilt others into being a parent?
Source: the help (2011) gif on giphy. Com
I have seen, in many of my friends, the result of being raised by people who had to sacrifice just to raise them. They are traumatised, left with attachment issues that take multiple therapy sessions to “fix” and they too, end up resenting their parents.
“You thought you healed from trauma? Having a child will bring it all bubbling back up to the surface. Inner demons you never even knew existed will make themselves known.”
Source: shafiqah othman on twitter. Com
I believe the people who say being a mother is easy based their opinion on how children were raised in the past. Sure, it is never an easy job, but admittedly, it had to have been easier then! In the years past, your child had lesser dangers presenting themselves to them through the internet. Today, we’re even worried our parents may get tricked by strangers online!
As we advance in technology and become more progressive, the issues we face also become more complex.
But This Isn’t To Say That Being A Mother Is Not Worth It (When You Do Want It)
As her thread comes to an end. Shafiqah concludes, “having children is overhyped.”
She compares the idea to “throwing yourself to the wolves.” Still, Shafiqah also promises that getting through ‘that darkness’ would be worth it in the end.
Source: shafiqah othman on twitter. Com
“If I knew what I know today back then, the kind of darkness I will have to go through, I probably wouldn’t choose to have a child. At least not this soon. And yet I would not have my life any other way. I am thankful for the growth this journey puts me on.”
She adds in her final tweet, “if you think you’re ready for children, the universe will surprise you anyway. Tread lightly and stay strong.”
Mothers Aren’t Perfect, But They Sure As Hell Are Strong
I believe that there’s always room for improvement in anything we do. I grew up being told that our parents have it hard, therefore we shouldn’t expect too much from them and we shouldn’t judge them. We shouldn’t tell them that we’re unhappy because then we would be ungrateful.
As an adult now, I see how mothers are generally expected to handle everything. I can understand why people tell children to go easy on their mothers. But maybe people should be telling husbands to help out more instead of giving the responsibility to a literal child.
For the amount of sh*t mothers had to sit through, and all while raising another human being…
Selfie of shafiqah and her cutiepie! Image provided by shafiqah othman!
I’d say Mothers are truly strong for that and not everyone can do it as they can.
Do you know anyone with an interesting story to share? Drop us an email at hello@inreallife.my and we may feature the story.
For more stories like this, read:
My M’sian Parents Are Polyamorous (Having Multiple Sexual Partners), & It Messed Me Up
I Thought I’d Be The Perfect Mother Until Motherhood Came Along
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