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This is the life story of Suanne, a Malaysian woman who courageously returned to the corporate world after a miscarriage 10 years ago that changed her life.
As a child, I was unwanted and my parents gave me to my grandparents to raise. Then, at the age of nine, they returned to claim me when my grandpa passed away.
Imagine being raised by grandparents and suddenly having a woman and a man claim to be your parents, and now you have to stay with them. They were strangers to me. While others felt parental warmth, I felt fear.
My childhood journey in an unloving family
My first memory of my mother was her shaming me. I was friends with a classmate, Thanaletchumy, who couldn’t afford colour pencils. We had to colour something, and I quickly finished my work and lent mine to her, telling her she could return them the next day.
I was a simple-minded child. My friend couldn’t afford them and looked sad, so I loaned her my colour pencils. You don’t tell, I don’t tell, no one knows, right?
But I forgot there was a new woman in my life who called herself my mother. Out of nowhere, she appeared. She checked my school bag and found I didn’t have my colour pencils.
She shouted, screamed, and interrogated me. I shaked and trembled in fear. Who was she? Why was she so harsh? My grandpa never treated me this way.
“Gung Gung (Grandpa), where are you? Please take her away from me. I am scared…”
Grandpa had returned “home.” He couldn’t save me anymore. I spoke the truth, saying, “I loaned it to my friend. She had no colour pencils. She will return them tomorrow.”
My mother brought out the rotan (cane) and started to beat me. Not a gentle lash, but she took it all out on me. One hit… two hits… and slowly, my whole body was covered in deep cane marks.
The whole family witnessed it, yet no one saved me. Each hit came with a command, “Don’t you dare to cry!” I was trembling in fear, in pain, but not allowed to cry. I stood still and let her beat me until she was satisfied over a box of STAEDTLER Luna Color Pencils (24 pieces).
I was instructed to go to my room, but no crying was allowed. Grandma suggested I skip school the next day due to the bruises on my body, but my mother insisted I had to go to school. I usually rode the school bus, but the next day, my mom arranged to send me instead.
I chose the longest dark blue pinafore, trying to cover the bruises.
My mom walked me to the classroom. I was proud to finally have a “mother” and thought I could introduce her to my friends. Instead, she paraded me in front of the class, pulled up my skirt, and proudly showed my classmates my bruises.
That was a memory that would colour the rest of my childhood till I became an adult. Living with my mother, I had to explain and justify all my actions. Anything that didn’t please her, she punished me with the cane.
A miscarriage made me quit my job
When I was 20, I dropped out of college because I couldn’t afford the school fees. Without a degree, I had to develop a survivor’s mentality to work hard and earn my place in the corporate world.
I grew and earned a decent income in the company, but my life was never smooth sailing. I was often bullied, backstabbed, and taken advantage of. Those horror stories are enough to make anyone want to lash out at those ex-colleagues and bosses.
The last straw was when I had a miscarriage and fainted at home. That incident made me choose to leave the corporate world and focus on raising my two boys and taking care of my own health.
Did I leave happily? No. The truth was, I didn’t.
On my last working day, I locked myself in the car at One World Hotel’s car park and cried. I cried so much because I loved the job a lot, and yet I had to quit. It wasn’t an easy decision; it’s never easy to give up a good career.
But I did it anyway because the workplace was toxic, and my immediate manager was toxic, too. In the car, I cried out loud, “God, forgive them, as they do not know what they were doing.”
After becoming a full-time homemaker, my world gradually became smaller. While my ex-colleagues were talking about how great the world was and how exciting the multi-million deals were, my topics revolved around groceries and kids. Slowly, I withdrew from everyone, and eventually, I fell into depression.
Depression…
Depression seems to be an illusion, a fabricated mental state. I cried for help, but no one took me seriously. Suicidal thoughts loomed daily, and I battled with them every single day for many years. My salvation was my two children; they kept me alive and loved me deeply.
Whenever the pain became unbearable, suicidal thoughts would haunt me. I thanked God for having my two sons beside me, who hugged and kissed me whenever I was down and in a state of depression.
The battle had been ongoing for a couple of years. I would lock myself in the room, asking God so many questions.
“Why me? What have I done wrong, God? What have I done to anger You so badly?”
My perspective changed over the years, and I started to be thankful and grateful. I changed my conversation with God to, “God, I thank you for the depression. I may not understand why, but if I can praise You during my good days, I will also praise You during my bad days. May I know what lesson You want me to learn?”
Slowly and gradually, as I drew closer to God and thanked Him on a daily basis, practising gratitude instead of complaining, I grew happier and healed from my depression.
Rediscovering purpose after a career pause
After ten years and ten months, due to the rising cost of living, I had no choice but to return to the workforce. My goal is simple: to do whatever it takes to pay the bills and my kids’ school fees. It wasn’t an easy journey; ten years and ten months was not a small gap.
Throughout those years, I tried to reenter the corporate world. Each rejection made my world feel smaller and smaller, to the point where I thought it was impossible to even take up a backend administrative role.
Being a woman isn’t easy, and being a working mom in the corporate world is even harder. I’ve had my fair share of unpleasant experiences as a young mother.
Due to my long career break, I was seen as “unhireable” in the eyes of hiring managers.
I felt small and believed there was no way for me to return to the corporate world. I thought I was destined to spend my life as a housewife, doing daily chores and taking care of my kids.
With God’s grace, here I am, back to where I used to be, standing strong again, finding my way to start building my foundation in the corporate world.
Even though I am earning 50% less than what I used to in my previous employment, I need to earn my right to rise in the corporate world to regain my credibility, both professionally and financially.
What is my next path?
I am in a stage of confusion in my life, trying to figure out a lot of things. There are days when I smile and laugh, and there are days when I am sad and crying. This is my genuine human side.
While I am still finding myself and working hard to stay relevant in the current world, I am finding the strength to take up leadership roles and serve.
At my current job, I am a first-time manager and want to bring out the best in my assistant, helping her find her path and supporting her throughout her professional journey.
Outside of work, I have been selected as a member of the ISC2 Malaysia Chapter Sub Committee of Women Empowerment. My plan is to build my strength to gather my people and rise together. This is how I want to serve the community.
My message for women: “Hello, you are not alone. There are many of us who face similar challenges like you. Let us journey together. Let us rise together! Life is short. Let us make it a worthwhile journey.”
This story is an excerpt from the book: Embracing Imperfections: Women’s Stories of Triumph by Lian Wai Bee.
Lian Wai Bee is an author, speaker, and seasoned marketer with over 30 years of experience in marketing management. Her book, which is available now, showcases women’s resilience, their ability to overcome barriers, and embrace life despite its imperfections.
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Also read: Why I Left My Comfortable Office Job in Kuala Lumpur to Work on an Island
Why I Left My Comfortable Office Job in Kuala Lumpur to Work on an Island
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