Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
This story is about how a Chinese woman decided to marry her Muslim partner after she got to know his open-minded mother.
I grew up in a household that did not have strong views towards any one religion. By the time I was a teen, I had been exposed to a good mix of Hindu and Toaist gods, Buddhist philosophy, and Christianity.
When I began dating a Muslim guy, I told him I wasn’t going to convert, but everything changed when I met his mother. The first time I met her, she was in a bareback dress — and she was heading to a nightclub. I was so surprised. Growing up, my parents would say something if my pants were too short.
Later on, I got to know her better. Even though the whole table would be full of alcohol, she wouldn’t touch a drop, she would just dance and laugh and smoke. Sometimes, she would call us over to hang out.
One day, his mother and I were sitting in the back of his car having a spirited conversation.
“Did you know the best brush in the world is made out of pig’s hair? But that doesn’t mean Muslims cannot use it. You just cannot consume it,” she said.
“Even in the jungle, if there is no other food around except pig, you can still eat it if you need to survive,” she told me.
Another time, I asked her, “Why don’t you wear the tudung?”
She replied, “Because the Quran says you only need to cover the boobs and butt. Nobody said you had to wear the tudung. Those are only mentioned in the extra books. I don’t believe in those, because human beings are subject to error. But the Quran came from God.”
After that conversation, I thought to myself, “ You know what? I could live with a mother-in-law like this. I could marry this guy.”
This is how I started trusting that the relationship could really work in the long run.
When my boyfriend got down on one knee and proposed, I cried and said yes.
But then I said: “I’m not gonna wear long clothes, or the tudung you know. Are you gonna be okay with that?”
“If you feel you’re ready, go ahead. But I met you like this, and I’m not gonna force you to change,” my boyfriend said.
Then one day, I went to the gyne and they discovered that I had a blood cyst that was 7cm in diameter. I had stage 4 endometriosis.
The doctor told me I had to get married — scar tissue will prevent the baby from forming in the uterus, but getting pregnant would prevent the cyst from growing bigger.
I told my boyfriend, “If we get married, your chances of getting a son are a 0.01% chance.”
He was solemn and said, “Our life on Earth is temporary. You could live another 50 years, or you could die tomorrow. In heaven you can ask for anything you want — so we can ask for kids.”
My boyfriend is not the type to be philosophical — so when he said this, I started crying.
I realised that when you love someone, you can accept them for who they are. And because he believed in this religion, it saved us.
When my mom came to visit me in the hospital after the surgery, she met my fiance. I told my mother I was planning to get married to him.
Facing me, she asked, “Are you in love or do you love?”
She always asked me this when I got into a relationship, and I never found out what the difference is. To be in love or to love?
I replied, “I don’t know the answer to that. But look: Here is your daughter with 0.01% of giving birth, and you have a person who is willing to marry her despite the odds of remaining childless for the rest of their lives.”
When I told my dad I was marrying my Muslim boyfriend, he didn’t say much. He comes from an engineering background, and they’re brutally honest.
He said, “I’m not going to change my habits because of this. Do you want me to change all our pots and pans? Do we need to hide whenever we eat pork?”
“Dad, you don’t need to change anything. I will still be your daughter. I will still be the same.” He didn’t accept it.
He said, “Don’t come to me when you regret it.”
So, my boyfriend and I reached out to his brother-in-law, an imam who lives in Singapore. His compassionate response genuinely helped settle my family’s differences with my boyfriend’s eating restrictions.
“Sometimes Mandy invites me to her family’s house. And her family tried not to cook pork. But they didn’t samak (Islamic purification) the utensils, so how?” My boyfriend asked him.
At first, I was quite offended. How could you care about the utensils, after all the trouble my family took to scrub any trace of pork off when they invited you over?
But the Imam replied, “I know we have to eat from clean utensils. But religion is not meant to drive people apart; it’s meant to unite people.”
“Mandy’s parents went to great lengths to make sure the food was not pork. People of another religion are already bending over backwards to accommodate you.”
“Rather than double down on your faith, shouldn’t you be trying to appreciate their effort?”
We were relieved at my brother-in-law’s response.
After that, I made the decision to convert to Islam and marry my fiance. When I went through the officiation, when they asked me if I wanted to change my name, I opted to keep it. Even though I’m Muslim now, I’m still Mandy.
After all that, my dad started talking to my husband, who is an engineer like him. I tell him, “See, you wanted me to become an engineer, but I didn’t want to, so I married one!”
My mother also began to warm up to my husband. My husband is a foodie, so he will bodek (butter up) my mom whenever we are in town to visit. She gets very happy because she gets to cook for him.
And as for his mom, we only got closer as years went by. Sometimes she buys me stuff and doesn’t for him, haha. She always calls me the fourth daughter.
My dad had said to me, “Don’t come to me when you regret it.”
But you know what, I didn’t.
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Read also: This Chinese School in Negeri Sembilan Has Become Malaysia’s First Malay-Majority Chinese School
This Chinese School in Negeri Sembilan Has Become Malaysia’s First Malay-Majority Chinese School
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