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We were just friends at first. We would hang out every day, always asking about each other, and sometimes we’d “lari” (run) from our group of friends just to sit together alone.
From the moment I met him, I already had a big crush on him and looked forward to seeing him every day.
Every day felt like heaven to see him, even when not a word was changed between us. Simply having him around during our friend group hangout was all I wanted.
For one semester, I kept it secret that I liked him, though I found out later that it was so obvious to everyone else.
Was it the culture shock, or was I finally free from being under my parents’ radar?
Image via author
It was the start of my second year of college. During that time of my life, it was cray-cray. I tried heaps of new things that my younger conservative childhood self never knew existed.
I made friends with people from all walks of life and backgrounds. There was Ayam*, who was discovering he might be gay but never missed prayer five times a day.
Fakri*, a Tiktok influencer who wants to transition into a woman.
Aisya*, an alcoholic.
Kahar*, a smoker who “started in college” but looked like he’d been smoking since primary school.
Naim* and Suresh*, potheads who had been stoners since they were 15 years old.
(*Names changed for anonymity)
However, I never joined in with their habits. They are them and I am me. I don’t get easily influenced by people, nor do I judge them. I love them, they are my friends.
But, to impress him, I started to smoke, take the leaf, and even drink. I can’t even imagine what would happen if my family found out. If they knew what I had done, they would be disappointed in me.
My only romantic experience before this was puppy love during school
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In my primary school, I never once was ‘single’. I would always have a ‘boyfriend’ regardless of how old I was. I was a good natured sort of girl, so much so that I would click with any guy even from the first time I talked to them.
It sounds funny now that little me could pull a guy all through SK (primary school), but after entering SMK (high school), I got turned off from every guy I know because every one of them were misogynistic or rempit (motorcycle gangsters).
Even if there was a guy I like, it’s just that I’m not interested in dating them because they acted like a brat. Or I left the school as I have been to two high schools.
I once dated a guy just because I became his rebound. This lasted for only two weeks. I broke up with him on my birthday just after we celebrated it with our friends.
And there was a guy I really did like but his clique always made fun of us when they saw us together. That made us never move forward into a relationship.
It feels like I have a curse, because I can’t seem to get into a stable long term relationship.
My curse was that every relationship happened at the end of my semester and only lasted for around two weeks.
How this “Crush-Crush Relationship” started
Image via author
Every day he would ask my friends and me to lepak. And sociable we were – every night we would spend with a different group of friends. That semester I befriended many juniors; he was one of the ‘adik’ (the youngest of the group).
When you get an opportunity to see each other every day, that makes both of you develop romantic feelings. That’s what happened with me and him.
He was a heavy drinker. I know people who consume alcohol casually but he is different. Despite our college’s ban on cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs, the guys always have a way to smuggle those things.
So when he gets drunk, he will confess his love to me and be very clingy. He would ask me to play with his hair. Then, he would just fall asleep on my lap.
Even when I’m not around, when he gets into a drunken state, he will call me or make a video to say he loves me.
But sober, he will not even think about doing any of that.
One time, I asked him to file my nails because he did it last time, but he refused to do it and when I insisted, he did it forcefully and hurt my cuticle.
We flirted with each other only when we were alone.
When I act silly, he will glare at me weirdly, but he doesn’t do it to my two best friends even though they are doing the same thing.
Sounds like he is a walking red flag, except my favorite color is red.
Impressing him became my toxic love language
I wanted to get his attention, so I started to dabble in substances to make me cool.
When I tried smoking cigarettes for the first time, it was with a guy friend who bragged that he was a good teacher and taught me how to do it, but he was not there.
The first time I drank and got high, there were many photos and videos that captured the moment from the parties, but he was not there.
My hijabi friend is the one who taught me how to smoke pot. And I burned my throat and stomach to finish the last bottle of whisky, but again, he was not there.
Knowing I am a virgin from doing all that but suddenly destroying my life, partially to make him know I also can do it, was also a big red flag raised for me. Or maybe I am color blind.
When the semester was almost over, there were very few people at the college because it was examination week.
I stayed back to be with my friends and of course to be near to him. Even though I had already got back to my home, I was determined to go to college to keep them company.
On the last day of the semester, we went back home together.
When the time came, we had to go our separate ways. He was not a hugger, but that day, we hugged for so long.
I cried like a river, wishing the clock could freeze time and keep this moment forever.
Imagine having time with your crush, without your other friends present, and being able to engage in romantic acts in public!
On my way home on the Kereta Api Tanah Melayu (KTM), I cried during the journey. The journey back never felt this fast because I was busy crying.
Just after we said goodbye, he WhatsApped me the longest message I have ever seen from him. Finally, he professed his feelings while sober!
All this time, I never felt loved each time he said he loved me while drunk – people say all kinds of crazy things when drunk.
At that instant, I knew my radar had never been wrong in catching his signal. Now I can freely shower him with my love.
But what are we? We don’t want to be in a serious commitment yet still want to maintain peace with each other.
That is when I came up with the term ‘crush-crush relationship,’ which he agreed to.
The day everything started to fall down
But as red as a cherry our relationship was, it was not to last.
One day, he came to KL but instead of going out to see me, he went out with another girl. So I went clubbing with a guy I barely knew because I wanted to numb my feelings.
It was my first time going out clubbing, and I even blacked out for a few moments while I was dancing in the club.
Out of the blue, during our daily midnight call, he said he wanted to tell me something. I felt suspicious, then he dropped the bomb: he said he fell short of feelings for me anymore.
It hurt so much that my chest felt tight. I cried because I couldn’t breathe.
I told him I wanted to hang up because I was unable to speak.
I felt like the world was crumbling around me. I had loved him so much through all the bullsh*t I went through.
I became more reserved and everything reminded me of him
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As someone who doesn’t talk much, I became more reserved. I stopped wanting to talk to anyone.
Even my sister told me that I had changed. I was hurting myself and the people around me, but I barely noticed.
The semester break came to an end. I had been looking forward to meeting my friends again, but now everything was different, because never once did he ask to hang out.
Even our circle of friends became so weird about that. If we happened to see each other, I would feel a rage build up in me. The whole reason was, he never apologized to me as he was supposed to.
He sent a long message to two of my close friends saying how sorry he was because he hurt me. They were the only people who knew that I had a crush on him.
But after listening to their advice not to contact me anymore, he never gave me proper closure.
Now, I’m scared to be in a romantic relationship with anyone.
If a new relationship with a man is just a friendship, I would compare the situation with his and put up walls to prevent him from getting too close.
I became cynical with everything that reminded me of him.
Now I learned and grew to understand my own self about love and not to be hurt again
Image via Author
Looking back, I realized how toxic the relationship was, but I was possibly blinded by my affection. There are many things I perceived from that experience. It is easy to forgive but hard to forget.
Even when telling the story I feel the same emotions during that time; the adoration and the despisement.
Though I know that he is telling our friends about how I’m the one at fault for why we never lepak anymore, people lowkey guessed that we broke up.
My friend always doubts if it was a real relationship and thinks I still have not moved on from him.
I believe that God is a better planner of all.
I learnt that not wanting to apologize was the closure that I needed. I hope I will be in a healthy relationship next and bury these memories for a better one.
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For more stories like this, read: https://inreallife.my/i-was-in-a-situationship-why-i-stayed-till-the-end/
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