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It’s rare to find a partner who is accepting of your quirks, let alone something that many would consider to be unmanly. This Malaysian man shares how meeting his open-minded wife helped him become more open about being a crossdresser.
I am a regular 30-year-old man, I have a decent job at an MNC, and I’m married. I look, talk, and act like a regular man. But what none of my friends or family know is that I enjoy dressing up in heels, dresses and makeup.
When I first realised I had this trait as a teen, I was confused, as most teenagers are. On one hand, I was still attracted to girls, but on the other hand, I wanted to feel pretty in the shoes and outfits I would see them in.
No, I’m not gay. I never have been attracted to men, nor will I ever be. If you met me in real life, you’d never guess that I have this ‘hobby’.
When I was 13, someone found out my secret at a school camp.
I still remember that memory like it was yesterday. It was the annual team-building camp at my school, and part of it included a play that I was taking part in.
On the 3rd night, I was sleepless so I got out of bed for a midnight stroll. I found myself passing by the assembly hall, and decided to sneak in to try on one of the costumes that had caught my eye during rehearsal earlier that day.
I wasn’t even wearing anything particularly girly – just a skirt meant for the lead actress. Okay lah, it was pretty girly. Right at that moment, a bunch of senior boys walked into the hall.
From the cigarettes in their hands, I realised they had been smoking around the back of the school shed. The moment they saw me, all of them burst out laughing.
They sneered and called me many derogatory names, like “pondan” and “tranny”. The next day, news like this spread like wildfire. By the time camp had ended, the whole school knew it was me, and I became the butt of many jokes.
That incident was the start of a drive in me to become hyper-masculine. For the next 10 years, I never looked at or went near a single woman’s attire.
Instead, I started doing a lot of traditional guy’s activities, like going to the gym and playing football. I became a bro’s bro, the most masculine guy you’d ever meet.
I learnt a new vocabulary for it.
Still, I harboured a lot of confusion and shame. I had no desire to become a woman, nor was I gay. So why did I still feel like wearing dresses?
While I was studying at university, I got to know more open-minded people who introduced me to new circles of friends. It was this colourful community who not only taught me how to accept people of very different orientations, but also opened my eyes to a new vocabulary: Cross-dresser.
A cross-dresser is someone who experiments and expresses themselves in attire usually reserved for the opposite sex. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to become a woman.
When I realised that the desire to crossdress is not mutually exclusive to wanting to become a woman, I stopped worrying about my gender orientation.
Finding the right vocabulary really helped me understand why I was the way I was. I started doing more research, I read personal experiences on various forums, and talked about it to the people close to me.
The first person I told eventually became my wife.
At the same time, I knew that not everyone would be as open and accepting about this, especially when it came to finding the right life partner.
When I was 25, while I was still figuring out how to come to terms with this part of myself, I started dating a girl who was beautiful inside and out. We shared similar values and we had the same upbringing.
One night, we were just hanging out and being cosy together, and I asked her what she thought of straight men that wore women’s clothes.
To my surprise, she said that she found it attractive. To her, it was a signal that they were comfortable in their masculinity and they were brave enough to express themselves in an authentic way.
Her compassion and empathy compelled me to blurt out, “I think I might be one of those men” and immediately started tearing up. My girlfriend gave me a very tight hug and told me she loved me no matter what.
If I’m being honest, I was not expecting her to say that, and I was ready to take my secret to the grave. Growing up in Malaysia, I never saw a single man that cross-dressed, and I knew it would never be accepted.
I started experimenting with different looks.
With her support, I got brave enough to start experimenting with my fashion sense.
It started with something really inconspicuous, like nail polish, or a pair of frilly socks. Then I started wearing heels, first with a pair of chunky boots, then it grew higher until I was wearing boots with small heels.
I think the change in the way I dress was so gradual that not many people noticed at first. Then I started getting compliments from women about the colour of my nails, or about the choice of socks I’d wear.
Surprisingly, I didn’t get all too much hate when I went out in public wearing feminine clothes.
Mind you, I look quite masculine. I have a muscular body standing at 175cm, with a beard and moustache. So even if anyone has less-than positive comments, they’re too afraid to say anything.
Of course, in Malaysia there are limits to what you can wear without turning heads, and I’m respectful of the feelings of others, so I don’t go out in full drag or anything ostentatious like that.
But if you saw me walking down the street, you would think I’m just very stylish and avant-garde, and that I’m working in the fashion industry.
How other people view me at work.
How I present myself at work is a contrast to the persona you see outside. I’m mostly in shirts, suits and maybe a tie if required. I hang out in boardroom meetings, play golf with clients and go have a whiskey when I need to close a deal.
I don’t particularly hide my cross-dressing self with my colleagues. If they find out about it, so be it – I have nothing to hide. I hold a fairly high position at work, and most of my higher-ups are based in Europe, so I don’t get any harassment from my bosses.
It’s rare to find a partner who is accepting of your quirks, let alone something that many would consider to be unmanly. One thing I appreciate about my wife is giving me the support to be who I am, and to express a side of myself that I had kept hidden for so long.
Surprisingly, this side of me made me even more attractive to my wife. She would buy me sexy lingerie and it kept our bedroom always spicy and experimental.
At the end of the day, I don’t feel like I’m betraying my identity as a straight man. I still enjoy the usual aspects of being a man, like talking shop with the bros and having the space to be a good leader at work.
What really helps is having a sense of humour about the whole thing. Life’s too short not to have fun, so why not enjoy it while you can?
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