Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
Everyone who has been in a relationship can tell you about the red flags that scream the relationship is going to be problematic or that it’s time to pack your stuff and run like maybe you should have done on that bad first date…
Why does nobody ever talk about the green flags? The things that we should be looking out for, that we WANT to have in our relationships – basically, what healthy relationships should strive for.
Here’s a list of what came up when I broached the topic with my friends, in no particular order:
1. Boundaries are respected
Everyone has boundaries that contribute to the health of their relationships (romantic or not) and this means that there will come a time when your partner does something that makes you uncomfortable for whatever reason. The key point is that your boundaries and limits are respected.
When you say no, they stop doing the thing that makes you uncomfortable and do their best not to do it again. You might get asked why something gets that firm “no” from you, but hopefully that’s your partner trying to understand you better as a person, and not trying to invalidate you for establishing boundaries.
2. You can have disagreements without the drama
Given a long enough timeline, every couple will have a disagreement, fight, or argument about something. That’s just the way things are. What matters is how the whole thing plays out.
Shouting, screaming, and yelling at each other might make for a great episode of dramatic TV or your favorite daytime soap opera, but melodrama like this is what ends relationships.
Remembering to use a calm tone during arguments and turning it into a rational discussion about the issue at hand so that you can both work it out and move forward together is definitely a huge green flag.
3. Compromise and collaborate on solutions to problems
If you’ve been able to have a rational discussion about the problem in your relationship, hopefully, you’ve also been able to collaborate and find a solution that works for everyone, restoring peace to your relationship.
Sometimes, that just isn’t possible for any number of reasons: I’ll never stop squeezing the toothpaste from the end, and my wife squeezes from the middle. There was no way to collaborate here, so we made a compromise: there are now two tubes of toothpaste in the bathroom.
If you can’t collaborate, compromise. Both of you want your relationship to work!
4. Emotional support
Your partner should not be the one to put you down deliberately or publicly, ever. Whatever the situation, their support should always be there for you. It doesn’t have to be loud and vociferous. It can be as simple as standing next to you and holding your hand.
Your partner will be there to celebrate your successes with you, and just as importantly, be there to help lift you up when things don’t go so well.
Their support means that publicly they will have your “back” no matter what happens and give you the cold hard facts of life in private later.
It makes no sense for anyone to be willing to stay in a relationship with someone that does nothing but mock, insult, or condescend to you. Do not do this to yourself.
5. Understanding over mistakes made
We are all trying to make our way balancing careers, relationships, and everything else that comes with living. Unfortunately, this means that we are going to make mistakes, and so will your partner.
If your spouse can honestly admit that they’ve made a mistake, apologize, and then do their best not to do it again, they are trying to be a better person. Your partner does deserve that chance. You would also want the same chance right?
This of course applies to some of the more common and everyday mistakes that can happen. Most of us are not capable of forgiving cheaters, serial liars, or those with a string of broken promises.
6. They provide you with their time
They are your partner, and you should never feel like you are in some sort of competition to have a slice of their time. Your partner may be busy and can’t talk to you right this second, but if they can text you they will, or they will call you back in a few minutes.
You are always important and your relationship is a priority but you can’t always be the number one priority. Understand this key fact and realize that they love you, and will always make time for you and be alongside you as best as they can.
7. The ability to coexist in silence
Silence is golden but being able to coexist in the same space as that silence, without it becoming weird or uncomfortable, is an incredibly rare thing. It’s even more uncommon that you’ll find someone who can stand guard over your solitude as well.
If you have found a partner with whom you can do this, you’ve probably also found someone with whom you can have fun when doing nothing specific. So much so that the act of doing nothing becomes something to do together.
8. They are gracious about minor issues
There are a lot of things that go on in life that are pointless and just don’t add value (or misery). Indeed, your partner should not be one of these things, but the special someone with whom you can let these unimportant things slide.
It’s like the toilet paper roll: who cares which way it unrolls? Does it even really matter? Why is this mundane and oh-so-unimportant thing the cause of so much domestic squabbling? Let the toilet paper hang whichever way and focus on the things that matter most in the relationship.
Each person should strive to bring green flags to their relationship
In any good relationship, we want to be respected as ourselves, as a person. There needs to be direct, open honest communication where our opinions, thoughts, and ideas are respected even if they are not necessarily agreed with.
We can get so caught up in looking for what is wrong that we completely miss what is right. Work on having the green flags yourself, so that you can attract equally attractive green flags, staying far out of the way of red flags.
For more stories like this, read: For Valentine’s Day 2022, Malaysians Share Their Wacky Engagement Stories, Dear Women, Here Are 13 Dating Secrets Malaysian Men Won’t Tell You, and I’m A Malaysian Woman Who Loves Sex – Here’s Why It Should Be Destigmatised.
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