Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
“No.”
As I turned my head to avoid his scalding hot breath, I cursed myself as much as I cursed him.
In my head, I traveled back in time. I was fifteen, eighteen, twenty, twenty-two, twenty-five, twenty-nine, and the same sordid story just seemed to replay itself.
I’d meekly, tentatively said no, yet all that felt just like a game to the man who had his hands on me. My heart began pounding painfully.
I tried again, this time firmer, clearer, more empathetically.
“I. Said. No,” I enunciated slowly as I tried to push him away from me, my body stiff and unresponsive as lead.
He redoubled his efforts instead, panting in excitement.
To him, it was the no that was actually a yes, the no that was necessary to appear coy, the no that was a test of his dedication, his persistence.
I felt my heart turn to ice as he clumsily tried to undo the front of my blouse, felt the cold fire build up inside me as he wetly kissed my neck.
The terror gave way to something else. I lost it.
This was one too many times my small, frightened ‘no’ had been taken for granted.
I screamed, a wordless animal sound of rage and fear and frustration, which was clearly not part of the script he thought we were both following.
As he paused in surprise, I began kicking and clawing at him.
“I SAID NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”
I was barking mad at this point.
The afternoon had started so pleasantly and I had enjoyed the company. But when it came down to it, he wasn’t much different from my past abusers, as much as I wanted to like him as a person, an equal, my peer.
He’d cornered me as I came out of the washroom. He’d invited me over to his place after coffee, and I had accepted, even though there was a nagging concern at the back of my head.
Why did I still go along with him?
Well, I liked him, I wanted to hang out, and part of me really wanted to trust him.
I’d told him I wouldn’t mind hanging out as long as things remained platonic. He’d agreed.
I most definitely did not want him to paw at me like I was a tasty treat dangled over a slobbering animal.
Perhaps my initial assessment of him was more charitable than he deserved. Perhaps I was wrong to let my guard down.
That made me a little sad.
Understand this: I did not hate men.
I grew up around boy cousins. Heck, I liked men, wanted to be friendly with them. Yet, I was beginning to recognise that perhaps they didn’t think of me the same way.
It felt like I wasn’t a person deserving of equal respect.
Maybe I would always just be a challenge, or worse, merely prey.
As he backed away from me, I began crying.
I was so sick of always being jumpy, being afraid, becoming the stereotypical “cold biatch” that I really wasn’t, just to keep myself safe from dangers — real and imagined.
Why does this happen?
1. Consent is a life skill that most people lack
This is especially obvious in men, for reasons of which I will go into later.
Consent is something we need to teach children and young people, even before it has anything to do with sex.
When children have their consent breached early on in life, they get accustomed to being controlled by others. They often end up operating out of a sense of obligation.
This can lead to them being unable to clearly communicate needs without fear. Worst still, this sets them up to become victims — or oppressors — in abusive relationships.
Families can create a consent-conscious home by instilling the habit of always seeking consent before moving forward with an action.
It’s important to equip children with the awareness that they must acknowledge another person’s right to make choices, and always seek permission to move forward with an action.
When a response is received, the crucial next step is to respect and adhere to the wishes and boundaries of another, without being dismissive or coercive.
Examples of implementing this:
- Would you like a hug?
- May I take a picture of/with you?
- Is it ok if I tell ____ what you shared with me?
- No? Ok, I respect that.
- They said stop, so that’s enough.
When we don’t seek consent, we make assumptions about another person’s feelings, wants, and needs.
When we do not recognise boundaries, we send the message that our will and desire is more important than others’.
2. Women say ‘no’ in many ways
It’s widely known that women often communicate in different ways from men. Female communication is often more nuanced, and uses more non-verbal cues.
When dealing with men, women can also be reluctant to be assertive, to avoid invoking the anger of a larger and potentially aggressive individual.
Women are conditioned to care more about other people’s feelings, and also often worry about not being liked. This makes it difficult to say no.
Unfortunately, as the Aziz Ansari incident has shown, all these can cause issues when it comes to clearly negotiating consent.
This discomfort in saying no is a socially-learned coping mechanism that can lead to unhealthy interpersonal dynamics. Fortunately, it can be deconstructed and unlearned.
However, before the majority of women can confidently state their personal boundaries, men should also be sensitive to the many ways women communicate “no” to avoid a breach of consent.
How women say no:
- Unresponsive
- Body language (avoiding eye contact, turning away, reluctance, arms crossed, legs crossed away from the other person)
- Facial expressions (blank-faced, distress, fear, anger)
- Giving reasons to avoid an action
- Deflecting with humour
- Aggressive behaviour
3. Society teaches girls to be nice, and teaches boys to win
As young children, girls are socialised to be nice, to be more in touch with feelings, both their own and others.
Boys, on the other hand, are socialized to be less attuned to people’s feelings. Instead, more so, they are socialised to win.
There’s nothing wrong with being nice or wanting to be liked. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to win.
However, what this means is that when men and women meet each other and begin navigating dating dynamics, women can find themselves at a disadvantage.
Women often want to play nice and desire being liked, whereas guys might just want to win.
This brings us to:
4. The chaser mindset
Not very long ago, the PUA (pick up artist) culture began gaining traction among many men. This culture claims to give men the skills to successfully date, but often what it really does is it dehumanises women to men.
Many PUA gurus offer dating advice that work to an extent, but they also reduce intergender interactions to a game — where the goal is to get a woman to say yes to sex… at all costs.
Most men understand consent abstractly, but when it comes to dating, especially when raging hormones are involved, men can often default to base desires. They can end up fixated on just trying to get the girl to say yes.
To men who only care about getting laid, it can seem like the system is rigged to set them up for failure. If they cannot get what they want without consent, how do they game this to procure said consent — without actually having to consider the feelings of the target?
This removal from thinking of potential dates as another person is in stark contrast to how most of these men would be unsettled if these tactics are used on their mothers or sisters.
What can all of us do to be more consent-aware?
1. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
If you’re not 100% sure how the other feels, it’s probably safer to ask directly, especially when sex might be involved.
Often, women don’t even know how to verbalise their discomforts regarding breach of consent. Sometimes they aren’t even fully aware.
Asking them — and giving them a safe space to provide a response — can be beneficial to both of you.
Hear this: Consent can be very, very sexy.
One of my best friends, Jonathan, asked recently: “Does seeking consent eliminate that passionate love thing?”
The short answer from us women is a loud and resounding NO.
Women are often so used to men breaching consent that encountering a man who gets it can feel extremely refreshing. It can be exciting when a man seeks consent because it can also create anticipation.
Seeking consent is really a form of intimacy — it requires a certain level of vulnerability and courage to have challenging conversations such as this, and as a result, can be a very bonding experience.
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Treat all interactions as a gift
Treat every interaction as a gift. People have much more to offer besides sex, be it interesting new perspectives or fun shared experiences.
Sometimes men get frustrated when they don’t get their desired outcome when pursuing a woman.
However, nobody can make you feel a certain way. It is how you choose to perceive a situation that makes you feel that way.
Instead of viewing a woman’s refusal to sex as a blow to the ego, remember, it’s just her personal choice not to, as is her choice to hang out.
Often, women aren’t trying to cause undue distress. I’ve occasionally been baffled as to why some men have reacted badly to what I thought was a sincere friendship that offered plenty of value for both of us.
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Don’t take it personally
A “no” isn’t indicative of your value or your worth. A woman can turn you down for a myriad of reasons not related to her attraction to you.
This doesn’t mean that you’ve “lost”. The gender divide worsens every time a woman or a man feels like they’ve come away from an interaction that has robbed them of something crucial.
My advice to men — and women? Enjoy the process, go with the flow. Practice plenty of communication on consent and safety practices.
And if someone says no, respect that boundary.
With every interaction, we gain plenty: self-affirmation, a wider worldview, greater empathy, knowledge and wisdom, and better interpersonal skills.
If you think about it that way, really, you’re always a winner.
Good luck!
For more stories like this, read: ReMission: Surviving Life after Cancer and I Battled Breast Cancer: Story of A Survivor.
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