Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
Although younger generations aren’t rushing into marriage, some couples may not know what they’re getting into when they’ve decided to get married.
So if you think your partner is the best person for you and you’re crazy in love with them, you should probably at least be prepared for everything.
1. Get stuck in traffic together
This shouldn’t be too hard considering how much traffic there is in Malaysia. But why is this important?
You’re probably going to get stuck in neverending traffic for the rest of your life with this person. You want to know how they react to the minor inconveniences of life.
Do they have anger issues?
Do they hog the role of car DJ?
Do they have unhealthy levels of road rage?
Or maybe they’re an asshole who doesn’t follow the zipper rule?
When you’re with someone, you see not just the best of them but the worst.
2. Determine that they know how to do house chores
I hate to gender this (#NotAllMen) but I’ve had to teach guys how to sweep and mop. I know guys who don’t know how to change bedsheets.
Some men also fake incompetence (this is called “strategic incompetence”) as they find that the threat of doing a job badly is enough to get them out of doing something.
If you’re going to marry someone, you need to know that you won’t be constantly picking up after them. Marriage should be an equal partnership.
Of course, again #NotAllMen as you might experience a woman doing the same things. It’s just that my experience with this has been with men.
You need to feel that your partner is another adult in the relationship, not a child that you’re forced to look after.
3. Be transparent about any financial debt you both might have
Whether it’s PTPTN or a car loan, you should have an idea about your partner’s financial situation. This transparency would be good for working out effective budgets for your household.
Most married couples opt for a joint account of some sort, so in order to guarantee your financial security with your partner you should know about any debts they might have.
4. At least one person in the relationship should have some basic cooking skills, with the other eager to learn
Besides cleaning, cooking is an important skill adults will need. Cooking at home and meal prepping can save you tonnes of money compared to deliveries and takeaways.
You just need to know how to make some basic meals. Of course, it shouldn’t be just the one person cooking – the other party should at least help out with the prep work.
5. Figure out your priorities and line them up
Marriage means you’re tying your life to another person’s. You have to know that you’ll be moving towards similar goals.
What are your priorities and what are theirs?
This is important to sort out before marriage because you need to know that you’ll both be on the same page. What if your partner wants to focus on saving to travel, but you want to save up to eventually own your own home?
These are priorities that could lead to heavy resentment down the road. It’s best to be prepared and to sort the issue out before you tie yourselves together.
6. Go on get-to-know-each-other-again dates
What are their strengths? What about their weaknesses?
And what about yours?
As a couple, you’re on the same team and you have to learn to work together as a unit. Your partner’s a terrible cook but really good at DIY and cleaning? Or maybe you’re awful at keeping to a budget while your partner is an Excel god?
When you really get to know your partner as a person, what they’re good at, what they prefer doing, what they absolutely hate to do… It helps you strategise your life together. It makes being together so much easier on everyone.
Spend a night every week or so discussing politics, your moral compass, your guiding principles. Really get to know each other all over again.
7. Figure out which of you is the better organiser and planner… and at what
This one’s important for domestic event management. A friend of mine calls his wife his Minister of Home Affairs. She’s the one with the checklists, spreadsheets, and bullet journals. He defaults to her decisions when it comes to their social calendars when anything involves the two of them.
Someone in the relationship has to stay organised. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to be organised for everything. In my relationship, my partner organises the housework, home making, and marketing, while I keep track of finances and dates.
Emotional labour tends to be stereotyped as the work of women, so men, if you want to impress your partner, take on some of these duties.
8. Adjust your expectations
So your partner keeps the house clean and works well with you, and you like that, but then you get on Instagram and your friend is posting about how their partner bought him a PS5 and the game he wanted most.
Be realistic about your own relationship. Maybe it’s not Instagram worthy, but really look at what your partner does for you, the constant little shifts they make to accommodate you in their life.
Take the social media posts of other people with a pinch of salt. Social media often showcases the highlights of someone’s life. That doesn’t mean that your friend is getting flowers every single day, or that everything is perfect in their relationship.
Life is not a rom-com.
9. Have your own lives outside of each other
Pick up hobbies that allow you to be independent of your partner. You’re already hoping to pledge your entire life to this person, you don’t have to stick to each other all the time. That gets annoying (at best) and breeds co-dependency (at worst).
Make time for your friends and family. Keep the other relationships in your life intact. Marriage is important, but it’s also necessary that you have your own support system made up of people you trust and love. Your partner is not the only important person in your life.
Keeping certain spheres of your lives separate will also help maintain a sense of mystery and excitement about each other. It’s perfectly healthy to not have your lives revolve around each other!
10. Having issues? Seriously consider counselling or therapy
Too many people expect their partners to be the be all and end all in their lives. That’s a heavy burden. If you and your partner are experiencing problems, maybe consider professional help.
Although seeking help from a counsellor or therapist is still stigmatised in Malaysian society, it doesn’t detract from the amount of aid a professional can give your relationship. Of course, it still takes work on both sides, but it’s a safe space to work things out together and can deepen your bond.
Ultimately, you have to remember that you’re a team
Issues should be tackled together, and must be viewed as “us against the problem” and not “me versus you”. Marriage, or any long term relationship, is all about communication and collaboration.
Don’t forget to communicate your toilet seat preferences to each other!
For more stories like this, read: I Am In A Polyamorous Relationship With My Boyfriend. Here’s How We Make It Work.
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