Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
How often do you google “What Does A Healthy Relationship Look Like?” As someone who has gone through multiple relationships; puppy love, heartbreak, flings and genuine ones, I can say that relationships are complex.
The most brutal fact for me to take in was that relationships aren’t always romantic and your partner is most probably part of the 90% of men that have not been taught or learned to love you romantically and treat you like a queen.
I used to be a playgirl and honestly, a horrible girlfriend in most of my early relationships. It was only during Form 3 that I decided I needed to change. Karma however, had other plans for me and I was hurt a lot. Eventually, I found my partner and this year will be our third year together.
Here’s my advice from personal experience and perspective:
1. Take perfect social media #relationships with a pinch of salt.
I am someone who always gets lured into the idea of the ‘perfect partner’ – one that is portrayed as the best and most desirable. Of course, it’s good for you if you do get a partner like that, but if you don’t it’s okay too.
Everyone needs time to change and improve, it doesn’t happen overnight and definitely not without communication. If you like certain things you see other partners do on social media, communicate that with your partner and see if it’s possible for them to fulfil that.
2. Don’t paint a false image of your partner.
Oftentimes, I find myself continuously asking my partner to do what I want. I would joke about it multiple times, guilt trip them and bring it up in every argument or every chance I have.
This could be fine for a few months or maybe a few years, but when things get rocky or suppressed feelings arise, they may become distant.
If you constantly feel the need to change your partner and have them act as you want all the time, you are not loving the person as they are, and that’s not right.
Be honest with what you want and need in a romantic relationship. Ask them what they can do to improve themselves and how you can help. Remember that you’re not perfect either!
3. Make the effort to learn together.
My boyfriend and I have major issues that seem impossible to solve such as religion, different personalities, etc. I always search on the internet for answers as it is a difficult topic to talk about with my family. 90% of the time, the answers are “he should do this or do that”, “break up with him”.
After my research, I always go into the turmoil of overthinking and end up talking about breaking up. My boyfriend doesn’t believe that our difficulties are worth breaking up over and his main motto is “we will always work it out”.
If you and your partner are from a broken family or relationship, or are dealing with mental health issues, what’s important is the will to learn and to continuously love that person while you go on that learning journey together.
4. Set boundaries on what you can compromise on and what you can’t.
Unfortunately, relationships are like business proposals. You need to evaluate what is the minimum and maximum you can allocate for it. Especially when you are dealing with someone who is trying to improve themselves.
Think of it like buying chocolate, you only have RM 30 for this month’s chocolate budget. You want that RM 50 chocolate bar but you can’t afford it. You could buy three chocolate bars that are priced at RM 10 each, but they taste powdery and have more chemicals than cocoa.
In the end, you settle for a RM 20 chocolate bar, it’s not the most premium but it works for your budget. It took lots of therapy and warm showers for me to understand and determine how many percent of chemicals I was okay with in my chocolate bar – what I can and cannot compromise on.
5. A healthy relationship needs two hands to clap.
I know that some of you would think “What if the relationship is toxic?” Should I still continue with the relationship? Are they truly learning when they say sorry and when they say they will fix things? Do you see improvement? Is it slow? Or are they giving you excuses?
I am a very impatient person, I wanted my boyfriend to change certain traits of his and I wanted quick and fast results, which took a toll on the relationship as well.
My best suggestion here is to set a deadline and communicate with your partner about it. If time is up and you don’t see any changes, it may be time for a difficult decision. Even if your partner does improve by the deadline, you still need to be aware that they might go back to their old ways, ask yourself if you can accept that.
Healthy relationships don’t fall from the sky, even people who have seemingly healthy relationships had to learn from somewhere and make the effort to attain them.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help
These tips are from my personal experience, if you are going through any bumps and issues in your relationship, seeking help from a therapist or a counsellor is always a good option.
Know anyone with an interesting story to share? Drop us an email at hello@inreallife.my and we may feature the story!
For more stories like this, read:
5 Toxic Traits That Are Normalised In Malaysia’s Dating Scene
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