Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments
Bisexuals tend to get a pretty bad rep – many think that being attracted to multiple genders makes one a little.. slutty, for lack of a better word.
In fact, many bisexual people are actually monogamous, though it’s common to encounter those who are polyamorous. Still, it does mean that bisexuals are unfairly painted with the misconception that they are cheaters.
Those who are attracted to one gender only, be it straight or gay/lesbian, don’t have the same experiences that bi people have. So, do bisexuals have any preference for the gender they prefer to have sex with?
1. Janet, early 30s
I don’t really have a preference. It’s definitely more about personality to me than gender, you know?
Although the grass really is greener on the other side, for me. I do find that I’m more attracted to women when I’m dating men and I check men out more when I’m dating a woman. But that’s probably more FOMO (fear of missing out).
Dating a woman is very different from dating a man. The energy is very different. Having sex with women… also very different. Women are a lot more sensual, though you do occasionally come across women who are aggressive.
The meh thing about having sex with men is that men tend to see penetration as the be all end all of sexual encounters. Once they’ve climaxed, that’s it. Playtime’s over.
With women, sex can last a really long time because we have a shorter refractory period. It’s not like we orgasm then roll over to sleep like men do, though I have to admit that does happen when you’re tired.
There’s also more care for your pleasure from a female partner. With men, it feels like making me orgasm is mostly an ego thing.
I know it sounds like I prefer having sex with women, but I don’t think so. It really depends on my mood, I suppose.
2. Nick, mid-20s
My attraction skews heavily towards women, but I don’t know how much of that is because of social conditioning – we, as men, are always told that women are our natural life partners.
But I don’t think I feel much in the way of sexual attraction… It’s entirely possible that I’m asexual. Perhaps even demisexual (sexually attracted towards people only after emotional attraction comes into play).
I would consider myself biromantic though – I’m attracted to all genders romantically, but I don’t feel sexual attraction towards anyone, or at least not right now.
I know, it feels a bit weird to say that. It seems like of all sexual orientations, bisexuals are sexualised the most. There is this perception that bisexuals have the most sex too. This is obviously not the case for me as I just don’t have sex at all.
If I had to express a preference, it would have to be for women. But as I said previously, I’m not sure if it’s because of heteronormativity (the social assumption that being straight is the default).
3. Sue Ann, mid-20s
I didn’t really get to experiment with many other women, actually! The Malaysian queer scene is really restricted and has a lot of issues, partly due to the repression we face.
But for bisexuals specifically, I know that we have a lot of problems being acknowledged by lesbians or gays. Everytime I matched with a lesbian on a dating app she would question exactly how queer I am and whether I’d dated a girl before.
Obviously this creates this feedback loop quite similar to what happens with job interviews: you end up being relentless questioned about your experience with being queer.
And just like a job interview, if your experience is deemed “not enough”, you’re rejected.
4. Joshua, early 30s
As a man, I find that cishet women are disgusted by men who have sex with other men. There’s this weird idea that men who aren’t exclusively straight are straight up gay or more likely to cheat.
That being said, I do like women but cishet women who aren’t open-minded about such things can be so tiring. It’s not worth the effort to court them.
But queer girls? Instant favourite.
My best relationship was with a bi woman. Our sex life wasn’t really crazy, but it was good. She understood what being bi meant and we often had conversations about the differences between dating men and women.
I haven’t really dated any men though I’ve hooked up with them. It’s really easy to find men to bang no matter the time.
Is it any better than having sex with a girl? Probably not, especially if she’s a trans girl. Trans girls know how to handle dick great.
I mean it, queer girls are underrated.
It’s only easier with men because men are always DTF and have low standards.
5. Farah, mid-30s
I haven’t gotten to have sex with women but I have played around with them. It’s fun! I definitely like making out with other women.
Men can be aggressive and boring, sometimes. I find that many men think they’re better in bed than they really are. Or they care too much about their own pleasure.
So far, I think what I’ve experienced with women is pretty promising and it makes me eager to actually do the do with one someday.
I do think I’m more attracted to women because I can’t stop checking them out whenever I’m out. Women look so good – how am I supposed to look respectfully?
I have more sexual experiences with men because let’s face it: men are easy. Women are much harder to get into bed. Probably because we’re not all sex-brained like men are.
Like all preferences, whichever gender you favour in your bed is a personal decision
It’s hard to make generalisations of anyone and people tend to resent being forced into boxes and stereotypes – bisexuals especially, as they enjoy experiencing attraction beyond expressions of gender.
Perhaps there’s something to be learnt by that.
*personal details have been changed to protect identities
Know anyone with an interesting story to share? Drop us an email at hello@inreallife.my and we may feature the story!
For more stories like this, read:
I’m A Malaysian Bisexual Who Broke Up A Couple I Was Supposed To Have A Threesome With – Here’s Why
I’m A Malaysian Woman Who Loves Sex – Here’s Why It Should Be Destigmatised
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