Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
Mohd Aniq Nasmin
Life’s a long journey, with different phases everyone must go through. It starts with childhood, then school, then college. These are phases filled with fun adventures.
Then one starts working, getting married, having kids, and all of a sudden, responsibilities start piling up.
Before you know it, you’re old, with grandkids on your lap, wondering how time passed by so quickly. Such is the cycle of life.
How do some old folks maintain their relationship and marriage for decades?
We spoke to one person who did, and here’s his story.
Azrai and Aisyah have been married for over 30 years
Azrai, 66, is a former bank officer and financial consultant. He got married at 28 to a girl of his own choosing, at a time where arranged marriage is still a norm in his culture (he’s an Indian Muslim).
Azrai realises how fortunate he is to have the freedom to choose his own life partner, especially in the 70s when arranged marriages were still preferred.
However, during the dating phase, Azrai was completely clueless – he didn’t have a mentor to advise him when it came to understanding a girl.
At first she wasn’t keen on starting a relationship with him, so he wooed his girlfriend based on those romantic 70s movies – buying flowers, waiting patiently for her work shift to end before showering her with gifts.
Eventually, she was smitten by his persistence and they got married, and this is what Azrai learned.
1. Marriage is a much bigger commitment than dating
“Everything is rosey during the dating phase, but the thorns start to grow when you get married and live together,” quipped Azrai.
Azrai has had a few small fights with his wife during the courting and dating stage, but nothing too serious.
However, once they were married, he realised he could never win an argument with his wife, because even if he did, there’ll be bigger damage in their relationship in the long run.
For example, in one argument, both of them argued and tried to outdo each other about who does the most in their relationship, hoping to be the winner of who’s sacrificed the most.
“In the end, we realised we shouldn’t keep track of who sacrificed the most, as doing so will only encourage both of us to keep a scorecard and make the relationship toxic,” he shared.
The only way he managed to overcome these challenges is by communicating with his wife about the issues and problems they’re facing.
Also, a marriage requires a bigger commitment than just showering her with gifts.
This is something Azrai says he wishes he knew before.
“It’s taking care of her, being on time, prioritizing her needs above himself, as well as learning to cohabit with each other,” he said.
These challenges aren’t occasional – they’re daily struggles, and it’s some of the biggest challenges Azrai had to overcome.
To make it more difficult, the buzz and rush he had during the dating stage had now disappeared, and replaced with the routine of seeing the same face everyday.
As the relationship grew and they hit their 40s, he realised she had become more sensitive about her looks and age. This caused her to be more insecure and suspicious of Azrai’s whereabouts and his female friends.
“At the time, I thought my wife was being unreasonable about my whereabouts and my social life,” he said.
“Thinking back on those times, I could have reassured my wife by coming home early, and giving her assurances about her looks,” he said.
Although both of them remained married throughout, Azrai now feels that he could have made their relationship less cold, less indifferent, and more loving even as they approach their senior years.
2. When you marry someone, you marry their entire family
Getting down on one knee and proposing was only the first challenge Azrai has had to overcome.
“I come from an Indian Muslim family while my wife is Malay, so we’ve both had to deal with objections from our families, who preferred us to marry from the same race,” he shared.
His wife had to be extra courteous and worked harder to become a better wife and daughter-in-law to win his family over.
Azrai and his wife chose to stay with his parents for the first three years.
It wasn’t easy at the start, and his wife would cry when she was scolded by her mother-in-law for not cooking well enough, or not performing household duties which were up to the family’s expectations.
Azrai didn’t realise how demanding his family can be when he decided to marry someone of another race.
Both of them could see that his family scolded her because she wasn’t the same race with Azrai, instead of her actual mistakes.
These were trying times, and it did affect their relationship with each other. They became less loving compared to when they were dating.
Azrai wishes he understood much earlier the old adage of “when you marry someone, you marry their entire family.”
“If I had the opportunity to turn back the clock, I would have not moved in with my parents,” Azrai shared ruefully.
“I would also have been more firm in protecting my wife from being an easy target and constantly getting reprimanded by her in-laws,” he added.
3. Having a good relationship with your children requires more than just discipline
“While the kids turned out alright, all three children could have been raised the same way instead of being treated and raised differently,” Azrai mused.
The first daughter, now aged 35, was raised in a strict environment. Azrai would use physical punishment on his daughter when she misbehaved, as this is how he was raised by his parents.
When she was 12 years old, she was sent to boarding school. However, for his two other kids, they were not subjected to any physical punishment and were sent to normal day schools.
Azrai realised now that his first daughter ended up being cold towards both him and his wife, due to being away from them at such an early age.
“She must also have been unhappy to have been subjected to physical discipline, while her younger siblings weren’t subject to that,” he said with regret.
“On the other hand, my two younger children did not respect their parents as much as they should, probably because I did not show enough authority when they were small,” he chuckled.
Azrai thinks he and his wife did not communicate enough on the proper way to raise their kids, and now he feels it’s too late to change them as adults.
4. Avoid junk food and eat healthy food in a marriage
“Focus more on the “healthy foods” of the relationship, and stay away from the “junk food,” as it all adds up in the health status of the relationship,” shared Azrai.
In a long-term relationship, it’s easy to take each other for granted and lose sight of your priorities. Azrai thinks he spent too much time on “junk food,” – actions which give instant gratification but don’t benefit the relationship in the long run.
For example, some nights after work, he would watch football matches (junk food) and neglect his tired wife, when he could have relieved his wife’s tiredness by giving her foot massages (healthy food).
Azrai thinks years of “junk food” made their relationship become more like a marriage just on paper.
They ended up becoming two people who just live together, when they could have easily worked harder everyday to make it a more loving relationship.
5. “Marriage is like tending a Bougainvillea daily,” says Azrai
A marriage relationship is a lifelong commitment, and is something you need to look after on a daily basis.
Azrai advises couples to start their relationship and marriage off on the right track, by giving it the utmost priority since day one.
Living with a partner is a bigger deal than what most people expect.
You can’t take the relationship for granted, if you want to keep your relationship as happy as it was when it started.
For more articles about married life, read:
5 Ways To Know If You Have A Future With Your Partner In Malaysia
Do you have an interesting story? Email us at hello@inreallife.my
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