This story is shared anonymously by a M’sian woman who shares how she has been living for 12 years in an empty marriage.
How do I say this… I’m starting to feel burdened by my own husband. I no longer want him. I’ve been in this marriage for 12 years, and I’ve 4 kids with him. When we got married, it was while we were studying and the attraction was mutual.
Ever since we got married, my husband has been introverted. I would be the one who talked more, initiated plans, pretended to be happy and more.
I made the decisions for maternity matters of which hospital we should have the babies delivered, the reason for those choices, what schools they should go to, their allowances – everything. I looked for all of it and I had to make the decisions.
His only words: “Anything that’s best for you.” Sounds nice, doesn’t it? I thought so too at some point. But as my kids grew older, I started to realise the truth.
More like a co-parent than a wife
All this while, I’d feel so tired and alone, sending my children to school, picking them up, thinking what to feed them, which tuition to send them to and why there, how much the prices are… Everything was decided by me.
And him? He’d contribute the money for it, but only half divided between the two of us because our salary isn’t that great. As time went on, I started to feel detached.
I think my love and devotion only lasted the first 8 years. The rest of our marriage, I’d only feel like I was doing the bare minimum of his wife and as the mother to my kids. I don’t feel myself missing his company or wanting to engage in any silly behaviour with him.
Everything would work with close reference to our role as the parents; him as the father and me as the mother. We’d only connect for our children’s sake.
But when the kids start growing up, what’s left to connect? Slowly, we stopped connecting. It’s like we stopped caring and we were too distanced from each other to care.
His sudden change left me cold
By the 12th year of our marriage, I felt numb. I had been carrying this burden for so long that I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be loved or appreciated. Yet, I felt like I could do it all by myself.
So I started discussing with him about how I no longer wanted him and that he should leave. He didn’t want to, because he loved our children (though I didn’t see how he was showing that love for them).
He’s still living under the same roof, but his presence itself is barely here. He’s always looking at his phone, or being busy doing God knows what. There weren’t any laughs or jokes shared between us. Once our children grew up, even they felt like they didn’t need to socialise and started to become shut-ins.
No matter how much I asked for a divorce, he wouldn’t give it to me. He said he would change himself into how I want him to be. But I’ve lived 12 years like this…I had grown so detached from him that these gestures only felt awkward and insincere. How could I accept help from someone who had been absent for over a decade?
For example, before this change of heart I would handle all four children, and suddenly now he wants to help. SUDDENLY, he wants to be in the school groups. Suddenly, he wants to be involved. It’s just annoying and I don’t even feel the love anymore.
It feels like I’ve been sending out cries for help all those years, and now that I don’t need it, it’s too little, too late. He’s only trying to fix things once I’ve stopped feeling anything for him.
When I’m upset or depressed handling everything, he wasn’t there. I’ve become so numb from it. I’m incapable of loving him and I don’t even want to anymore. I’ve asked lawyers to help me with fasakh (when a woman files for divorce in Islam) but it isn’t easy. It’s not like he is abusive, he’s just negligent.
Is marriage just for the kids?
On the day of Arafah, I prayed that my husband would find another woman, someone who could take over the emotional responsibilities, so that our marriage could finally end.
I’m sick of it. Or is this just how all marriages work? A bunch of obligations and responsibilities, doing everything for the kids? Is there no such thing as love between husband and wife?
Please don’t tell me to give him a chance or anything like that. I’ve already spent 12 years in this marriage, doing everything for the family. Now, I’m at the point where I’m past asking for advice on giving him another chance. There’s no more chance left for us. Help!
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