Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
In Malaysia, Chinese Malaysians who cannot speak their mother tongue are called ‘bananas’, because they’re “yellow on the outside, white on the inside.” This story is shared by a Chinese woman who was bullied for being a ‘banana’ in a local Chinese vernacular school.
“You’re not Chinese. Who wants to be friends with you?” mocked the cruel voice through the toilet door.
“Let me out! Please!” I begged.
“Go and flush yourself down the toilet bowl.”
I was in Standard 1. I had been enrolled, against my wishes, in a famous SRJK(C) school in the Klang Valley.
Early on, I had trouble making friends. One day, a group of my girl classmates invited me to go to the school toilet with them. Bursting with glee at the thought of being friends at last, I followed them… and they trapped me in a cubicle.
I pleaded to be let out, but they refused, hurling insults at me through the shut toilet door. I’m a banana. I’m not Chinese enough. I’m a failure.
Well, they were right about the banana part. And because of this, my classmates took my pocket money.
I was a target to my Chinese teachers
I speak English as a first language at home. My parents wanted me to know my cultural roots and mastering Mandarin would mean more opportunities. But my values were western, and I grew up watching English shows.
So what? you ask.
So a lot of things, to the teachers in my Chinese school.
For one, I am most comfortable speaking English. Eventually, my class teacher got fed up. So, she decided that any one of my classmates could take all my money if they caught me speaking English.
My classmates would trick me into saying English words so they could pinch my cash, and when I did not fall for it, they would take my money by force.
For years, I lost my daily pocket money like this. I could not tell my parents, as they did not believe me. In fact, they would punish me further for “lying” or “exaggerating”.
Throughout my years in Chinese school, I was never allowed to forget that I am a banana.
It was firmly embedded in my head that I was different. My teachers and classmates constantly reminded me that I was less than.
They would tell me that I was a shame to my parents, to my country, to the Chinese race. I would be better off dead. I had no future in life.
As far as I can remember, I was the only banana in my circle. I am sure there were more in my school, I just didn’t get to know them.
However, I do remember this Eurasian girl—half white, half Chinese. She had light brown hair and Caucasian features, and I remember my peers disliking her for it, calling her names. I do wonder if she received the same type of treatment as me.
I was caned daily, for speaking English in class, failing to achieve desired grades, making mistakes, and all sorts of frivolous things.
Getting canned and screamed at became such a normal part of my day.
And since the teacher couldn’t make me become a ‘better’ student, they sent me from class to class to tell them, “I am a shame to my parents. I am a lazy good-for-nothing. I am a useless girl.”
In reality, I was just a below average student. My poor performance was because English is my first language and I had trouble understanding the lessons in Chinese.
Once, in Standard 2, I desperately needed to use the bathroom.
I asked my teacher for permission to use the washroom, but she refused. Instead, she forced me to solve an equation on the board first. When I got it wrong repeatedly, she screamed at me and caned me until I wet myself in front of the whole class.
After that happened, she screamed at me again and caned me some more, then sent me outside to stand under the sun until I dried off.
Up until that point, I was consistently scoring 80 — 100 marks in maths. But after that incident, I have never been good at maths.
In addition to caning in front of the whole class, my class teacher from Standard 4 to 6 used to impress upon me how useless, worthless, lazy, and stupid I was. She also got a kick out of telling me to die so that my parents will not have to waste their money raising me.
Twice a week after school, I would go to her house for tuition class, during which she would cane me further. She would burn incense, blare chants from Buddhist sutras while yelling at me as I sat there trying to complete my exercise sheets.
“You’re a disgrace! Repent! Learn some shame!” she would scream. And when I made more mistakes, she would cane me some more.
Once, I corrected her English, and she whisked out her kitchen knife, lecturing me about respecting my elders and teachers.
Around Standard 3, I begged to be sent to a different school, but my mum convinced me that changing school would mean losing all my friends and never making new ones.
I was determined not to lose my single close friend at the time, so I obliged and stayed on.
My English teacher in Standard 5 and 6 was the only reprieve I had.
English class was the only class where I escaped the cane, because I thrived at English.
Of all my teachers, this English teacher’s face has left the most lasting impact on me, because she always looked at me sadly.
In Standard 6, she picked me to join a writing competition. It was one of the proudest and happiest moments of my young life.
That was when I decided to put in more effort into my studies. I did it to prove to everyone that I was going to rise above the rest.
When I had first enrolled, I could not string together a single sentence in Mandarin. But after 6 years, I was able to score straight A’s in UPSR, including Mandarin.
Today, I am an academic with a master’s degree. I also know 5 languages and 4 dialects, proving that I am actually good with languages.
One thing I’ve learned from my studies is that the choice of language greatly divides Chinese-educated and English-educated Malaysian Chinese.
Of course, each language has its benefits. As a banana, I have a far earlier access to a larger Western pool of academic resources.
Naturally, my perspectives will differ from Chinese-educated folks who have access to a completely different pool of resources and maybe only encounter Western perspectives at the university level.
Nonetheless, I observe that because of these differing vantage points, there is conflict between Malaysian Chinese across the language divide.
For example, Chinese-educated individuals tend to have Confucian values ingrained in them, which are collectivist in nature. Everybody has a role to play, which is also why gender roles are a norm in traditional Chinese households. The role of the children is to serve their elders, even if this means sacrificing their own sense of self, dreams, and ambitions.
On the other hand, ‘bananas’ like me are more individualistic. In other words, to the Chinese-ed, the family is the smallest unit, whereas the bananas view the individual as the smallest unit.
This would subconsciously affect one’s attitude about money, career, life partner, and so on.
My takeaway from my Chinese school experience is that a lot of Chinese people grow up in social bubbles.
Quite often, their world views are narrow, fixed on one ‘best’ way to get things done. Differences (especially back then) were not tolerated.
Throughout my six years there, the teachers and students knew only one means to education: rote memorization, straight-A results, and using physical pain to shame and push the children into “success”.
Not to forget all the propaganda: Calls to always remember your alma mater—likened to a firm but loving mother. Be grateful to her. Support her financially. Chinese people are a superior race, as evidenced by our grades.
Not to forget that this mantra was drilled into us in Chinese school: The government and other races do not like us Chinese, and they are all against Chinese education.
Chinese schools are told that they need to fund themselves, and thus the students are exploited, going door-to-door, bugging every relative and friend, begging for donations.
Failing to collect a certain amount of donations earned me more caning. I failed every single time.
No doubt there is beauty in Chinese culture, but they are only available to the insiders, not an outsider like me.
Maybe my experience was unique, and it is possible to have a perfectly enjoyable SRJK(C) experience as a banana, but that was not what happened to me.
Until today, I feel like a stranger in my own home.
The government labels me a “pendatang,” whereas my teachers and peers in school rejected me for being “not Chinese enough”.
Sometimes, I look at Chinese culture and feel like a tourist. I feel no connection to my ancestral motherland.
I watch documentaries about what is supposed to be my own culture. And I wonder what it would feel like to have a sense of belonging and pride in family history and cultural roots. Nevertheless, it’s a distant feeling, a far-fetched identity I could not claim.
It’s been 4 generations since my ancestors left China, so that is not my home. Malaysia is.
I am still processing the trauma today.
Those six years in Chinese school cemented that I will never be Chinese enough. As a result, I leaned hard into the English language.
Up till today, I have never touched any Chinese media or Chinese pop culture. I simply don’t want anything to do with Chinese culture anymore.
Maybe many many years in the future, I would unlearn my hate and bitterness, and approach Chinese culture again.
I only wish that I could experience Chinese—both the language and culture—in a gentler environment.
I sincerely hope that SRJK(C) schools are different now.
I think more students would have thrived and lived far healthier childhoods if schools could accept “being different” as new learning opportunities, rather than punishing children for being who they are.
Being a banana is who I am now, and who I was as a kid. Just because I speak English, enjoy western pop culture, or hold values associated with the west does not make me a failure in life.
It does not mean that I have failed my parents, my ancestors, nor my country. I just wish my teachers knew that.
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Read more: What it’s like going to a Chinese School in Malaysia as a Malay
What It’s Like Going To A Chinese School In Malaysia As A Malay
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