This story is about a woman who found out that her husband of 5 years was having an affair with a male fitness trainer.
I’ve been married for just about 5 years now, with two young kids (four and one years old), a dog and a husband who is caring, loving and takes care of us. Our marriage was not without flaws, but I would never have complained about it.
We were like most young Malaysian families. I’m 33 years old and he just turned 35. Our families love each other and having kids only made us all closer together. Christmas, Chinese New Year, and every other holiday in between we spent with our large families.
This year, it felt like my world came crashing down when I found out something I wish I never found out. It was an accident and I really wish I was just ignorant to the fact.
My husband Danny (names changed) has always been a gym-freak. He lifts weights, takes part in CrossFit competitions, and is at the gym almost everyday, or at least 5 times a week.
Since the day I met him, I knew this about him. I’m also into fitness, but I prefer pilates, yoga and circuits.
We go to different gyms because we already have our favourites from years before. We never worked-out together, except once or twice when we went on a family holiday and went to the hotel gym together.
My husband’s secret
Last week, on Christmas morning, I found out that he has been having an affair with a guy from his gym. My husband was busy playing with our kids. We had family over for breakfast.
As we were going on a family vacation soon to Langkawi, my sister-in-law was asking for some details about the airbnb we will stay in. I went to find my laptop to check the reservations, but my laptop was out of battery.
I saw my husband’s tablet on the console table, so I picked it up and opened the airbnb app. It seems that he forgot to sign out of his Whatsapp.
I saw messages come in from a man named “Ricky Anytime Fitness”. The first message I saw pop on to notification was “Can’t wait to give you your Christmas gift later”.
Assuming it was a buddy from his gym, I pushed the notification away when another message popped-up. This time the message contained lewd and sexual acts that even thinking about it now makes me feel like throwing up.
I immediately clicked on the message and that’s how I found out my husband has been sleeping with this man. I found that they exchanged nude pictures, and would meet up after the gym. The message only scrolled back two weeks.
The shock I felt cannot be described in words, the closest would be that my world was crashing down on me. My whole life felt like a lie.
I spent the next 20 minutes scrolling back on his Whatsapp, including the archived chats. From what I could gather, he has been doing this since before we met. It seems like the guys he hooks up with are three or four on rotation over the last couple of months.
I found a lot of information in my twenty minutes of snooping, and the worst part was that I still had to go back out there and spend Christmas morning with our families, knowing what I knew.
Confronting my husband
That very evening, as soon as we got the kids to bed, I confronted him. I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I yelled at him asking him if he was gay and why would he marry me in the first place.
After a lot of screaming and crying on my part as he just looked down, nodded and kept apologising, I finally asked him to give me an explanation.
According to him, he felt disgusted at what he was doing. He hated being gay, but he said this was how he was born. He tried many times to change but he could never. He got married because he knew this was expected from him as the eldest son of his family.
Apparently when he was 19, his parents found out he was gay and beat the shit out of him. His guilt and shame led him to keep this part of himself a secret. By the end, he was crying and hitting himself.
While I empathise with his struggles, to me it still does not justify deceiving me and letting me think that he was a good husband.
In reality he was not only attracted to the same gender but he was also cheating on me. Forget the fact that we’re both church-going Christians and it’s a sin under our religion.
When it came to sex, my husband had never forced me or pressured me. While I admired his patience for loving me for more than my body, it turns out he loved me despite it.
We waited till marriage to get intimate, and here I thought it was because of his Christian values. We would be intimate usually when I made a move, and I’ll admit it wasn’t as often since I had kids.
What is my next step?
I’m currently so confused, with so many questions. I’m going through all the memories we shared to look for clues. How could I have been so stupid?
I’m also worried, because I’m afraid I have contracted an STD from his sexual adventures. He did mention the use of an app called Grindr, for gay men, and from what I understand he has been sexually active with men for a long time. I’m too afraid to ask how many people he has been with. It might break me. He was my first.
I know I should go get a test, but the whole thing is so new and the wound is still fresh. I haven’t told anyone of my findings as I’m afraid of judgement, pity and shame. Writing about it helps to process the gravity of the situation.
I’m not even sure what my next step is. Do I leave him? What about our kids? Do we come to an agreement of sorts? Do I forgive him? I feel like my whole life is a lie.
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