Disclaimer: In Real Life is a platform for everyday people to share their experiences and voices. All articles are personal stories and do not necessarily echo In Real Life’s sentiments.
It used to be widely accepted that when you reach a certain age, you’ll marry and have children. But this is no longer the case. As Japan fights a greying population, Malaysians too have seen many of its younger generations actively choosing to remain childfree instead.
Here are 4 Malaysians who have made the choice to be childfree and their reasons for doing it:
1. Aishah, 31
Being the eldest daughter sucks. And you know what’s worse? I’m not only the eldest in my immediate family but also in my extended family. This means I’ve spent my entire life surrounded by kids. I’m also the person people call on to babysit during emergencies.
I have to admit, I’m really good with kids so people are always surprised when they hear me say that I don’t want any. But here’s the thing: I’ve spent my whole life looking after the children of other people. I don’t mind doing it, but I definitely don’t want the responsibility of caring for my own children. At least with other people’s children, I can give them back! I won’t be able to do that with my own kids!
So whenever someone brings up that I’m childfree, I find a way to imply that if I had my own children I wouldn’t be able to help looking after their children when I’m free… Really improves their attitudes!
2. John, 25
If I ever wanted a child, I’d want it to be an android or something like that.
My reasons for not wanting children of my own are pretty simple. But the first reason is that it’s too costly. Look at the cost of living nowadays! I do have a fair bit of disposable income, but I also live with my parents. Can you imagine the cost of a wedding and raising children?
Besides that, there are too many entrenched social constructs that would harm my child’s development. Like racism, for example. Or how schools encourage only one outlook on life. I would ideally want my child to be full of wonderment and curiosity – but that’s dangerous nowadays. I wouldn’t want my child to be treated differently or ostracised.
I’d also worry about stuff like pedophilia and grooming, which is definitely a huge issue in a country like Malaysia where we don’t take children’s rights seriously.
It’s too easy to have a kid. I wish we had some sort of system which meant parents have to procure licences that must be renewed for you to be a parent. The system should include examinations, practical courses, psychiatric assessments and medical examinations.
3. Tracy, 29
I just got married recently, but my husband and I have decided to go childfree. Why?
Well, first of all, I’m looking after myself. I’m quite busy nowadays tending to my inner wounded child and teenager. My parents were very busy with work when I was growing up as an only child, and I was left to my own devices a lot. Having a child means having to pay attention to them a lot and love them the way a child needs to be loved. So I’m paying attention to my inner kid, focusing on getting that healing done.
I also have ADHD and commitment issues – it feels like having a child would be a great mix for disaster! My husband’s family also has some hereditary illnesses (both physical and mental) and I guess we don’t want our messed up genes to be mixed around and then passed down.
Finally, I’m not having children because it’s my “thank you” to my parents. My parents may have been absent when I was growing up, but I don’t think it was intentional. They had to work hard and really slog to help the family – they were kind of forced to be workaholics. They may not have been able to be there the way I needed, but at the end of the day they worked very hard to put me through school and to give me a comfortable life.
So right now I’m working hard to give them a good retirement. They don’t work anymore so they have no income. I take care of all their financial and essential needs. It’s my way of paying them back for what they did for me as my parents – I wasn’t an easy child to raise either!
4. Raya, 24
Being an adult, especially in my mid-twenties, I think that I want my life to be my own. I’ve only just reached adulthood.
For starters, having a child is so expensive! Inflation has been a real problem in recent years – I mean, the fine line between eating out being more expensive than doing grocery shopping has all but disappeared!
As a kid, I was never allowed to put myself first. I basically had to consider everyone else in the family before I was ever allowed to think about how that affected me or how I would feel about it. It might seem selfish, but I think it’s way better to be “selfish” than to despise or resent a human being that I brought into the world. I also wouldn’t be able to put myself first if I had a kid.
My partner and I talked about it; we both agreed that we want to live for ourselves first. Our opinions might change once we’re financially stable, but for now we like the way life is going.
Right now, we’re like, god no we definitely don’t want kids! But maybe ask us again in 10 years?
Being childfree is such a personal choice
I notice amongst the women that I spoke to that they all had a common worry of being perceived as selfish for not wanting kids. It really drives home how normalised the routine of growing up to get married and have kids is in Malaysian society!
But in many cases, having children is not practical. Until childbirth and child rearing becomes easier on parents, we probably won’t see this change.
For more stories like this, read: It’s A Human Rights Issue, Not A Religious One – Here’s Why Malaysians Deserve Access To Safe Abortions, Malaysia’s Rich Kids – From Weekly Allowances Larger Than The Minimum Wage To Young CEOs, and I’m A Malaysian Woman In My Mid-30s Who Does NOT Want To Get Married – Here’s Why.
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